depression relapse

i have physical symptoms from stress/anxiety. right now it’s muscle cramps, incredibly painful. they show up mostly in my back, but lately it’s spread other body parts. i use flexeril (a muscle relaxant) for it now, have been for ages. but since the cramps keep coming back because i need something. i emailed my PCP and asked for her to talk about the problems, so we’ll see. right now i’m taking too much of the flexeril and will run out too soon. she’s usually super nice though, and responds to my mails very quickly.

i’m feeling sort of, stuck, i guess. i feel empty and have no motivation…

i guess i don’t need to wonder. the last 6 months were like climbing a mountain, i climbed a little more each day until

i reached the top and fell down the mountain, i think it’s a lot to do with the surgery. i feel so bad, so guilty, because peter is doing the laundry, cool, cook dinner and breakfast, does all the errands. i think he’s getting unhappy about it. thanks to mom for the guilt!

i’ve found myself starting at the wall for a long time. i don’t even remember what i was thinking or how long i was doing it. i have lots and lots of big empty spaces of time. bizarre.

i’m a medical marijuana patient and my dispensary delivers because lots of the patients are people like me who can’t drive.or can’t leave the house, because i have agoraphobia. i got a cookie and a brownie. and some buds. the edibles are great for pain or stress.

when i went to get the money out of the bank, i realized i had to go to 7-11 to break one of the $20s. i got up the counter and didn’t have the $20 bill anymore. i guess i dropped it. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH