blogging, dog, writing

random stoned thoughts

My dog needed to go out just now. I hate it when he whines, not so much that the noise annoys me, but ¬†I dote on him, I’m obsessed with his comfort and happiness. It drives me batty. My huz tells me i’m anthropomorphizing and I know it’s true but I don’t…

This topic is boring now. lol

This is wild…
In the year 500 A.D. the GLOBAL population was 190, 062.

People had no concept of large numbers. A lot of people couldn’t count past 5. 1,000 would be unfathomable.

Food for thought. ūüĆé

Btw, I didn’t get this from wiki, I just wrote it off the top of my head. Go go history degree!

Having said that, I betcha some one will pounce on my because I got something wrong. Go go lack of confidence!

Anyway, have a good night!

anxiety, chronic pain, comics, corgi, dachshund, depression, diabetes, disabled, dog, dogs, dorgi, fibromyalgia, oakland california, pets, pictures

My angry toe.

I am having a difficult time today because my pain has been bad. I have a decent size split in my big toe. It has something to do with dry skin, but it seemed like it was much better since I was getting pedicures and doing the lotion and socks thing regularly. Now it’s open and slightly bloody. it doesn’t seem red or swollen. It’s throbbing and is super ouchy to walk on. Good thing I already use a cane!

The part that worries me is that I’m diabetic and this is a cut on my toe that hasn’t healed. I don’t have diabetic neuropathy, but if I did, I might get wounds on my feet that I wouldn’t feel until they were in really bad shape. It can lead to foot or leg amputation. You have to have regular tests, very simple, that check to make sure you have feeling on the bottoms of your feet to avoid all that. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow, just to be sure. That, and because it hurts so damn bad.

I went to the dispensary at last!!! I bought good stuff, buds and pre rolled joints (actually, cones). I smoked one of those joints when I got home. Such pain relief and relaxation, huge improvement in my mood, too. I managed keep my munchies to fruit. I smoke now and then, actually most of the time when i’m hurting this much.

I walked Mackie a bit since I was feeling better and being outside in the bright warm sun was joyous.
We played more inside. Mackie barked his happy bark several times. I answered him and we had tehe most bonding happy dance!

mackie_rolling_in_the_grass

 

I ordered a wonder woman comic as well as a volume of daredevil and a one of the most recent justice league books and the sandals that I lost one of (how the fuck can I have done that??!!),again. That’s a testament to how much I like them! They were going to be my all the time shoes.

addidas sandals

I got dropped from my car insurance after getting in two accidents on a week. I don’t think that will ever be funny.

dent in hood

The drive to Oakland, home of Harborside Health Center, was nice. It’s the only place I can go on the freeway without having a panic attack. it’s a 40 mile drive from here! I’ve done it so many and been so scared that I’ve conquered it! But I can’t get off course at all ever. lol

Have a great night!ūüźł

abstract, anxiety, art, batman, bipolar, chronic illness, chronic pain, comics, depression, dog, drawing, drugs, fibromyalgia, insomnia, mania, medical marijuana, mental illness, oakland california

still manic, still manic, still manic

i spent my day feeling too jumped up, a lot like being on meth. yes, i know a lot about being on meth. oh boy, i’ve never said that in public before. so yeah, i wish manic was like being on coke, but unfortunately it’s like being on meth.

i ate a big dinner which i am regretting because i haven’t been eating much so i feel bloated and gross. sometimes being really hungry for a couple of days makes me feel so clean inside. no, i’m not anorexic. my moods just throw me around a lot, and i’ve got that and all the meds i take and the fibromyalgia and spinal stenosis, and a nasty childhood all contribute to making me do, and feel, and act a little strange…a lot strange… ¬†i do things that don’t make sense some of the time. i got hooked on meth because i was so depressed and it made me feel so much better, that i kept using it. untold energy, no appetite, no need for sleep, elevated mood, euphoria. sounds like being manic, too. ¬†ahhh and delusions of grandeur, i hope i don’t get those, but maybe i’m not bill gates.LOL

i went to the comic book store today. alex the comic book guy was there, of course he was there, it’s his shop. hehehe actually, the only day i’m sure he is working in the shop is tuesdays, so i go about every other tuesday. he’s a cutie, deep, and really smart. not to mention he’s an incredible authority on comics! i bought two issues of batman all star, the rebirth reboot. i got an issue of jessica jones, but i really didn’t like the way it looked. bummer. i still don’t have money, so that’s all i got. i went to starbucks and only got an iced tea, but a cake pop was calling my name. but i averted my eyes and asked for no sweetener in my passion tea.

it was a gorgeous spring day, first one we’ve had this year. i actually drove around with the windows down in my car. a rare thing. i like to listen to music in the car, not wind noise. i am 100% out of mmj. i scraped up every bit, i used the kief in the bottom of the grinder. i am DRY. i hope it’s nice tomorrow because i’ll be driving up to Oakland to go to my dispensary. i call it “my dispensary” as though i owned it. it’s just mine cause it’s the one i’ve chosen to give all my business to.

i saw my psychiatrist today and she thought i might be manic partly because over the last couple days it got to be full blown and that when i had little or no marijuana. we adjusted the meds to, not take ritalin (that’s a no brainer), and to take less wellbutrin because it’s activating.

i saw a woman come home and greet her dog, who had been home alone all day, and they were both so happy to see each other. that’s the kind of thing that really makes me feel good.

Ant_Hills_by_merpagigglesnort

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

anxiety, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, disabled, dogs, fatigue, fibromyalgia, medical marijuana, Movies, stress relief

taking a hard fall

the huz and i went to Beauty and the Beast. it was all about dresses and dancing. it was visually fantastic, but that’s about all it did for me.

as i was coming in the house i tripped on the first  step into the living room i tripped and feel on my face. the mega huge soda that i refilled when we leaving the theater and went flying all over the room. i hit the floor with my hip and hand. now i have a sore wrist, a really sore hip, and a sticky floor. the floor is wood, which made the fall delightfully hard. grrr! gahhh! hopefully it was no more than some soreness. i fear this might bring on a flare (just like any kind flare up is like other kinds of flare ups, but in this case, the flare is increased pain) of my fibromyalgia symptoms.

i may spend the evening in bed or maybe one of my prescription NSAIDs. they help quite a bit. ice packs and heating pads will feel good and my pjs and of course, Mackie.

remember those adidas sandals i was stoked about? ¬†i left them together and after the cleaners ¬†came, there was only one. i hardly think they stole it. what would they do with it? lol i trust them anyway. i have looked and looked looked for it and can’t find it. sometimes they put things in odd places that i’d never think to look in or take it away with all their bags of stuff. now what, right? i suppose buy them again, but it just makes me want to scream. the huz will look. he’s good at finding things.

i guess i’ll just smoke a lot of medicine. of course that makes me worry about running out because i ¬†think i really am going to. that’s only happened once before.

so the day sucked. the evening hasn’t happened yet, it might get better.

anxiety, bipolar, disabled, feelings, fibromyalgia, Life, medicine

snapshot

i usually get coffee, about 7:30. i get my coffee at 7-11. i can make better coffee at home, but i like getting up and going somewhere. the guy working smiled and greeted me, and i him. he knows i like the hazelnut coffee, so if it’s gone or not fresh he’ll make a pot for me as soon as he sees me. ūüôā so the coffee is always really hot and fresh. sometimes, ok, i’ll admit it, most of the the i get a donut, a chocolate long, bar shaped one. it has custard inside. ahhhhh…when i’m feeling strong about losing weight i don’t get a donut. yesterday and today i didn’t get one, yay! i sit in my car and eat my donut, drink my coffee and drive around or go ¬†to a store and buy something under a dollar.

i never want to be around the house when people are getting ready. it makes me wonder what it would ¬†be like to be able to take a shower everyday.it makes me wonder what it would be like to look nice with my hair looking nice and jewelry on. it makes me want to be able to socialize with my co-workers and enjoy it.i’d love to have NO MEDICINE to take before, during, and after work.

i have a lot of things most people with jobs never have, good things. not working, can be as much a bad thing ¬†as a good. you enjoy it for about the first six months and then you start to feel bored and useless. and you have to accept you’ll never work again. i was politely asked to go on disability. that was in 2000. gaaaaaaaaaaaaah i expected to be successful, not shuffled out the door. i felt like i was fired. i never dreamed that it could happen to me.

as i was saying i was there are bad things about working and i miss having to ¬†have something to do with my life, but c’mon, i get up when i ¬†feel like it, at least by the time my huz gets up when his alarm goes off. that’s at 8. when i worked we had to be there and bright and shiny, between ¬†5:00am and 7:00am, depending on the schedule.i’ll never miss that job, except for the stock, but that’s an entirely different story.

now i ¬†only have appointments like taking my dog to get his claws clipped, or for ¬†my manicure, very very low stress.i don’t have to have short lunches where i run around and try to get errands done.i don’t have to deal with rush hour. i have a dog that’s getting older and i can take him out every two hours, i can’t imagine the poor thing shut out on our balcony having ¬†having to wait desperately for 8-9 hours. he wouldn’t get enough ¬†play or exercise.

weekends still excite me! i think TGIF! or have a good weekend or it’s gonna be great to have some time off. all my time is free time. the huz is home on the weekend.and i’m really glad about that!

mind you, that’s all great but i’m chronically ill. the only time i leave the house is that trip for coffee. i’m in pain, i have limited mobility, fatigue, ¬†on and on.

so maybe i should say, i wish i had somewhere to go in the morning, to have a point to my day and be able to do a good job. but all that hinges on my being healthy. and i’m not.

but i try to make the best of it. i still do thing  things as though i was getting ready. but on fresh clothes, brush my hair or and do zillion things to my face, make sure my nails are ok; put on psoriasis cream, put lotion on my legs and feet. and then i have to carefully clean up after myself because we share the master bathroom double sinks and the huz is a nazi about that counter. it has to be completely bare except for our electric toothbrushes and some hand soap. i had to fight just to get the hand soap on there, too. jeez.

so, it’s complicated, and i think i won’t think about it anymore! Shame on you fibromyalgia, spinal stenosis, and diabetes. there is nothing good about any of you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life, Uncategorized

complaining

i’ve been wanting to write all day but my head is in a weird place and i know i can’t organize my thoughts, i can’t come up with an ¬†interesting subject and i probably can’t write very well tonight.

so, i’m just going to have a brain dump. i dump everything that’s on my mind and you can read it if you want to. and you always have the option to like or comment. you totally don’t have to.

i made an alcohol ink painting today, 2 in fact. this time i wore gloves so the ink wouldn’t stain my fingers ¬†and ruin my manicure! one of the paintings was utterly ¬†boring, looked like there were ¬†only three colors, just sitting there, not interacting with each other. the other i worked on was bigger and it just turned out shit. i’m certainly letting you know i’m feeling grumpy! ¬†OMG I CANNOT TYPE

the huz is installing a new light fixture in the hall way to the master bath and it just goes on and on and on and on…earphone time! i’m listening to Queen. what are you listening to?

i went to the grocery store, that’s right, i went on a tiny little shopping trip. that’s more than a tiny little victory! not only do i have trouble with having the endurance to go to the store, but i used to go there a long time ago, before i was sick. people i used to know sort of recognize me and try to talk to me. i wish these overly curious people would mind their own business. i keep wanting to say they were only trying to be nice, but they’re not. if you listen to what they say and they tone they say it in, there’s always an undercurrent of feelings of disbelief. when i don’t have my cane, people give me dirty looks when i park in the handicapped spaces (i have a handicapped parking placard).

i fell asleep just then lol. i woke up having typed the letter “a” bizillion times.i haven’t been sleeping with my CPAP mask on, well for one reason my face and mouth have been hurting so much, and also cause i am finally admitting i really really don’t like that damn thing. you have to lay your head on the edge of your pillow so most of your head is sorta sideways on the mattress to keep from having the mask smashed into your face, which makes me panicky and eventually really pissed off that i can’t sleep comfortably. it’s bad enough that the rest of my body hurts, i have to strap that torture device on my face.

my huz is playing the new Zelda now, i’m doing this, and mackie is back in his hidey hole behind my desk. i can’t tell for sure, but i think he brought a bunch of paper back there for a nest. i can hear him back there sounding like he’s nesting. domestic bliss!

 

black and white, corgi, dachshund, dog, dorgi, Life, pets

mackie is having a good day! he’s chillaxing!

mackie is just letting it all hang out! lol pardon the horrible mess! mackie and i were playing tug there with a stuffed toy and it got shredded. i haven’t cleaned it up yet. pretty bad!

man, i wish i felt like that. i crept closer and closer to get the picture. it would be tragic to disturb him. but he was really out of it and i was very quiet.

when he does things like this i feel good because i know he trusts me completely and feels ¬†so safe here that he will expose his whole underside. ūüôā

 

mackie relaxed and upside down

another thing…

i wrote about my pedicure and manicure, but i never showed them here. ¬†that’s a side thingy.

i needed sandals! i hate fru fru shoes and i’m not a shopper. now that i’ve got chronic pain i simply cannot deal with uncomfortable clothes or shoes. i ¬†bought a pair of flip flops and they hurt so bad i thought i’d ¬†cry.

so i got online and started searching for comfortable sandals that didn’t look like old lady shoes. i like sports clothes, i don’t wear them, but my husband does. i’ve gotten into the Adidas stuff he has. i like the way they look, black and white stripes are my favorite. but i’m not new to Adidas. i have an old pair of dilapidated Adidas sneakers, the old skool classics . i wore them into this condition. damn i love those shoes!

old addidas

i like examples! i like taking pictures! i am a visual learner. i guess that’s why art is so enjoyable to me.

after reading a gazillion reviews on sooooooooooooooooooo many kinds of sandals i decided to go with an old favorite brand that made super comfy sneakers. ¬†i found in the reviews was an almost universal issue–the sandals ran extremely big so order a size down. they ¬†the reviews were almost silly they were so good. lol lots of people said they were the most comfortable shoes they’d ever had. that sure sounded good to me. the price was reasonable, too.

as soon as i put them on i knew those silly people reviewing them weren’t silly. they are soft, so soft. they have toe grips, indents like Birkenstock’s food bed, only ¬†made of leather. somehow the foot beds just keep your feet where they’re supposed to be. lots of sandals let your feet kinda float around and they’re really uncomfortable. i hesitated to get these because i thought the strap would be either too small or too big. nope. it’s perfect. and it has stripes! they really are incredibly comfortable. ordering a size ¬†down, which is 8 for me. fits just right! ¬†yay!

addidas sandals

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

chronic pain, corgi, dachshund, dog, dorgi, fibromyalgia, illness, pets, stress relief

playing with my dog, fibromyalgia style

one of the things that really broke my heart when i started ¬†getting sicker and sicker over the last three years was not being able to play wild and crazy with my dog, mackie, half corgi and half dachshund, weighing in at 20lbs. he’s sturdy and strong, and annoyingly persistent!

mackie-staring-at-the-camera

i always like the fact that he had that wide stance and nice strong legs, especially for a small dog. i didn’t want a small dog for a long time because i didn’t want an animal that was delicate and babyish.

mackie is spirited and hyper. he runs and jumps and sometimes barks too much, but he has a very particular happy bark and i don’t shush him when he barks like that. otherwise most barking is off-limits. he’s not afraid of anything except big rubber balls (?). we used to wrestle on the bed. it was great! he likes lots of physical contact and is game for a fight. i have nice memories of that.

i used to walk him, not super far,because i’ve had osteoarthritis in both knees for half my life, at least. but i took him out and walked him around or threw the ball for him. sometimes i let him off leash and let him wander. sniffing is his favorite thing now that he’s a bit older (12). ¬†since he knows i can’t chase him, the naughty little dog has figured out that if he runs off out of my sight, he can wander a lot further than i want him to. i have to rush around with my cane pushing me along, try to catch up with him. that only happened a couple times before he lost off leash privileges.

that was the first thing to go…off leash fun. it’s really interesting to notice that within a very short time, as my ability to walk very much declined, he picked up on it and took advantage of it. kind of depressing. my best friend was exploiting my illness! lol he’s just a dog and was just testing his limits and found he didn’t really have any outdoor limits, without being tied to me!

i felt bad for him. i wanted to let him wander and sniff for ages. i couldn’t walk him around enough for him to sniff much, so the best thing to do was to just let him sniff and i watched, sitting on my porch. i did that a long time because of my knees, but even then i didn’t need a cane and i was much more mobile so it worked better! he knew i could come get him pretty quickly.once he learned that he could get away with things he couldn’t before, i ¬†had to stop it.

my ability to throw the ball for him ¬†has declined a lot, too. i was never very good at it in the first place, but now i totally suck, so much so that i can’t do it for him anymore. it’s sad, he brings it to my feet and i can lob it about 2 feet. no more of that.

can i still play with my dog even though i have fibromyalgia? yes! (btw, why doesn’t spell check recognize “fibromyalgia?”)

i play with ¬†him indoors. Chuck It brand dog toys and treats, etc. makes indoor toys, for throwing indoors! i have a ring, the third one he’s been through, that has a soft felt core and a sort of terry cloth cover. it’s very lightweight and throws well. it might bump over something light if it hit it, but for the most part it’s harmless…especially because it doesn’t make marks on the walls. check it outhttps://www.amazon.com/1-PK-Chuckit-Indoor-Roller/dp/B00943YO6U/ref=sr_1_6?s=arts-crafts&ie=UTF8&qid=1489628059&sr=8-6&keywords=chuck+it+indoor+toys

Chuck It also makes a handle with a ball shaped scoop at the end that you throw balls with that would make it easier to play longer distance, but even that’s too much for me. so, i sit on the couch and throw that ring forever,endlessly, eternally until it’s too spitty to be tolerated!

he runs and plays. it’s not hard for me to throw it, it’s so light, and the living room isn’t huge, so it works out well unless it goes under something he can’t reach. that requires getting out the cane to push things out from under chairs and tables.

we have a lot of fun that way! i can actually tire him out (that’s quite a feat!) by throwing the Chuck It ¬†ball around the living room (he’s really good at snatching it right out of the air!). it makes life more interesting for both of us and he gets to run and play and get the exercise a active dog like him needs.

moral of the story, usually if you try, you can find a different way to do things you used to do before you were sick, but seem like you can’t do now. this was my solution . it works for me. other people will probably have lots of other solutions!