child abuse, dad, family, mental illness, writing

No More Wire Hangers 2

i have cut myself off from my maternal extended family entirely. i stopped talking to them before i stopped having a relationship with my mother. all my blood relatives there are as crazy or crazier than me. we’ve all been in mental hospitals, we’re all on long lists of meds. we all get really psychotic from time to time and we’re all full of rage because each one of us, including the adults, are victims of child abuse and are mentally ill. they are toxic and every word they say is a trigger.

i decided early on that i was not going to have children because   i want to break the evil chain that has been passed down for generations. my great grandmother came here from ireland. her last name is my middle name. she and my great grand father abused my grandfather who abused my mother and her three sisters. all four are very mentally ill and the three that have children abused their kids.

i knew from childhood that i didn’t want to have children. in the end it’s kind of ironic because i was always so super careful about not getting pregnant because i didn’t want to carry on the tradition. the ironic thing is that i had endometriosis (i had a hysterectomy and it’s gone now) so i probably couldn’t have gotten pregnant regardless. it was an epic case of better safe than sorry! i was very safe! but i couldn’t have been sorry!

thus  far it’s gone down through my cousins, the mental illness, but i don’t think any of them abuse their children, but who knows.

i had a psychiatrist to said my mother was “crazy making.” i knew he’d really hit the spot. in the previous post about child abuse, i talked about how my mother lied to me all my life, about huge important things and that she told me things that were the opposite of what they were.  she told me my father still loved her, she told me what a great relationship she and i had. i didn’t know what to think. i knew, or thought i knew, or suspected that it was a lie or a delusion on her part. i was a confused kid, bipolar coming on and even though she was mean and manipulative, she was my mom, so i believed her.

along the same lines, she preceded every criticism or rant she made about my father by saying, your father is a wonderful man and he loves you so much. i would never say anything to make you feel bad about him. then she would launch into a speech about something he had done or said wrong. she did that about a lot of people, people i loved or liked–sneakily try to turn me against whoever had made her angry.

later, as i figured out more about her  through therapy and learned more about her life from my father i began to realize that some of the people i thought i “should” hate were really nice people with nothing wrong with them. she was twisted and the way she twisted me up made me  scared about everything.

nothing i knew was solid. there was no one i could trust.  sometimes even now i stop myself from thinking about something because i can’t forget that she told me she could read my mind.

and now because of that birthday card she sent me, i am thinking about it a lot lately.

no fun.

abstract, anxiety, art, bipolar, black and white, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, drawing, fibromyalgia, glasses, mania, medical marijuana, mental illness, optometrist, pen and ink

bipolar and fibromyalgia are kicking my ass

i’m feeling glum today. down, blue, bummed, out of sorts.  i want to write and i get up and down from my desk and start to write and delete it.

so this is bipolar. i’m manic; but right this moment i’m feeling depressed. i’ll get back to feeling manic again. i spent all my money on a LOT of stuff, i just bought anything i wanted. ugh. now i’m left with a whole lot of things, a  zillion of them and no money for anything else. typical mania. i’m hardly sleeping. i ate a huge dinner last night when of my husband’s friend came over, she’s Chinese, so she cooked real Chinese food for us. it was wonderful. but other than that, i’m not eating much.

being manic is a lot better than depressed, in my opinion. if mania lasts too long it can lead to big problems. i’ve been manic for about three weeks, it’s very low grade but can flare up or fall back into depression easily.  it’s good for weight loss! mmj helps a lot, kind of evens me out, gently. it lifts my mood and dampens my constant pain. yay cannabis!

my new glasses are coming today! i’m so excited about being able to see at last. for the longest time eye doctors kept telling me that my prescription hadn’t changed, but i knew it had. finally it’s gotten so bad that the doctor was shocked there was such difference. duh! so hopefully these new glasses will be like new eyes! maybe i’ll be able to drive at night again. that would be really nice.

i am so incredibly cold. i’ve have gotten so much colder since i got fibromyalgia. right now i hurt because i’m cold. putting on lots of extra clothes doesn’t really cut it. it’s from the inside out. i want gloves. spring can be as cold as winter here i want to go get coffee, but i can’t get myself to leave the house. 😦 that’s a product of both bipolar and chronic illness. imagine never ever feeling safe, not safe in your body and not safe in the outside world. maybe it’s anxiety, which seems to go along with bipolar or depression, or on it’s own.

maybe it’s agoraphobia, i suffered from that for a few years. it got to the point that i could only be in one room of the house, the computer/art room. i stayed there all the time, except for sleeping, at night i could go to the bedroom. we even ate our meals in there. my husband was so kind and thoughtful. he takes everything in stride. we’ve had hard times, what  marriages don’t? but he’s a good one, no doubt about it!

compartmentalise

anxiety, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, disabled, dogs, fatigue, fibromyalgia, medical marijuana, Movies, stress relief

taking a hard fall

the huz and i went to Beauty and the Beast. it was all about dresses and dancing. it was visually fantastic, but that’s about all it did for me.

as i was coming in the house i tripped on the first  step into the living room i tripped and feel on my face. the mega huge soda that i refilled when we leaving the theater and went flying all over the room. i hit the floor with my hip and hand. now i have a sore wrist, a really sore hip, and a sticky floor. the floor is wood, which made the fall delightfully hard. grrr! gahhh! hopefully it was no more than some soreness. i fear this might bring on a flare (just like any kind flare up is like other kinds of flare ups, but in this case, the flare is increased pain) of my fibromyalgia symptoms.

i may spend the evening in bed or maybe one of my prescription NSAIDs. they help quite a bit. ice packs and heating pads will feel good and my pjs and of course, Mackie.

remember those adidas sandals i was stoked about?  i left them together and after the cleaners  came, there was only one. i hardly think they stole it. what would they do with it? lol i trust them anyway. i have looked and looked looked for it and can’t find it. sometimes they put things in odd places that i’d never think to look in or take it away with all their bags of stuff. now what, right? i suppose buy them again, but it just makes me want to scream. the huz will look. he’s good at finding things.

i guess i’ll just smoke a lot of medicine. of course that makes me worry about running out because i  think i really am going to. that’s only happened once before.

so the day sucked. the evening hasn’t happened yet, it might get better.

anxiety, chronic illness, chronic pain, disabled, fatigue, illness

treating disabled people with kindness, a post you should read

i read this post by The Invisible Jewlz and was really touched. i’ve been in similar situations and had the same feelings she did. if you have any interest in finding out what it’s like for people with chronic illnesses like fibromyalgia, read this!

 

To the Man Behind Me in the Express Lane at the Grocery Store, Today I decided to push myself. I ran to the store for some plain rice crackers that are easy on my stomach, since I’ve been having several bad IBS/gastritis flares. Gripping the shopping cart handles out of pure anxiety from how unwell […]

via To the Man Behind Me in the Express Lane at the Grocery Store- — The Invisible Jewlz

batman, bipolar, chronic illness, dentist, diabetes, drugs, insulin, medicine

daily drugs

the pills are morning, noon, and night. i can swallow each line of pills at once. 😀 the big bottle is prescription mouth wash that i’m using to help my gums while i go through this insane amount of dental work i’m having done. i’m fixing all the urgent/necessary work done in a couple of months. i’m so bipolar!  i went years without taking care of them and now i want to get EVERYTHING done at once.

the gray thing is an insulin pen, with a fresh needle next to it. you unwrap the needle and screw it onto the pen. you dial up how many units you want and give yourself the injection. it’s so much easier that having to take the insulin out of a vial with a syringe everytime.

the Batman band aid is for a cut on my toe. lol all that stuff is sitting on my old painting table, hence the huge mess!

 

daily drugs

abstract, abstractexpressiomism, art, artist, comics, drawing, fine art

today is the next day of my dental journey. for many years i didn’t take care of my teeth, i mean really didn’t take care of them. a lot of the time i didn’t even brush them, flossing was out of the question. i had a dentist i really didn’t like so i rarely went.

the last time i went to that dentist that they left me sitting in the chair for half an hour. my fibro and spine were super painful and all i could see ahead of me was more laying on my back with more waiting. i tried to ex plain but they totally didn’t get it, or maybe they didn’t care? i walked out and they made a huge fuss, followed me out the door and tried to talk to me asking what was wrong. i told them what was wrong was what i told 4 people already with no response. obviously they weren’t trying. the manager kept asking questions and i just said, and i really did say this, go away and leave me alone. that did the trick.

i knew i needed a lot of work done, but i didn’t want it at that office.  i found a dentist that i like much much better. i’m already getting to know my dentist. he’s done work on me         5x already. i’m having a crown today and i’m hoping he will put on some permanent crowns now, i need 3. i have so much work to do. 5 cavities. and that’s easy part! i guess this is my punishment for all those years of slacking. i’m brushing now, but i am quite sure i’m not ever going to be flossing. also i have a prescription mouthwash to use to heal the gums. it stings in my mouths when i swish it around.  i can’t eat or drink for half an hour after i take it.

i’m enthusiastic about getting all this done. it’s just when it’s an hours before the appointment, i get nervous and tend to have a panic attack. i have had twice  this morning. my appointment is at noon, just two hours. i wish these appointments were earlier, so i wouldn’t have to wait  so long. i got up at4 am because it was on my mind. i figured, fuck it, and got up.

i finished up a comic i was reading  called Monstress.  it was a good plot, leaving you wishing for lots more and the art was divine. i’m sure i’ll be reading it again.

i’ll give you a piece of art to reward you for reading this!  lol

i hope you are having a good day! tell me about your day!

-ruthie

(this is oil pastels on textured paper)

twin-whirlpools

abstract, art, artist, bipolar, dad, depression, painting, stress relief, Uncategorized

art history of me!

i think think i should write more in this blog. i know seeing pictures of my art is nice, but it’s kind of impersonal if i just post the pictures without any descriptions or explaining my technique, etc.

let’s start out with a little bit about my “art history.”

when i was 11 i found out that i was bipolar I, OCD, anxiety and panic disorder, i have eating disorder symptoms. PTSD was always there in there underneath. my mother was abusive, had almost all the symptoms. can you imagine two people (my dad left) like that, and filled with rage trying to cope.

everybody in my maternal extended family was an artist, professional or as a  hobby. my mother taught me a lot about art. art’s in my blood. so is mental illness. all those artistic people in the family are mentally ill. most of them are in treatment.

my tough childhood, and my physical illnesses caused me to move out of the city i grew up in (st. louis–horrible place.) and move to the  Bay Area to go to university–Santa Clara University. i started taking art classes, for fun, most of what i did was photography. i loved it. i started learning about composition, something i think i do well. i started to doodle.

i graduated from university at 23 and got married immediately. i was very depressed at the time. my dad knew that i was stagnating and falling deeper into my misery. he gave me money to buy painting supplies. i started out with oils, got brushes and canvases, linseed oil. the canvases i bought were huge. i had one that was $100. i knew  nothing about painting so i was just going along with my instincts.i knew immediately that i wanted to  paint abstract works. my paintings were decent, looking back.

i floated away from painting and didn’t make any art for a while.  i started to make jewelry  that i sold on etsy. i made weird jewelry, very mixed media. i even had custom beads made for me by etsy artists i made friends with. they taught me a lot, especially about photographing  jewery. all my creative energy went into making jewelry. i figured a lot out on my own. at this point i realized that it was therapy, art therapy.  i spent more money on the materials my jewelry to expensive for people  to buy and if i priced them lower i’d be losing money big time. i quit, sadly.

shortly after that my husband suggested i join deviantArt. it was so exciting! so much to see, so many people that were friendly and eager to teach out and help others. i had two accounts and disappeared for long periods of time. over the six  years learning to draw and paint. i still can’t draw very well. i can make trippy drawings with sharpies, thought. i think a lot of my paintings are pretty good. i’m always trying new things. it’s exciting every time i sit down to make a piece of artwork.

i don’t sell my art. i trade it and give it away.

now art is a huge part of my life.it is wonderful therapy.  it’s accumulating all over my house! i post it on various social media sites. not fb though. i get bad vibes from that site.

 

anyway, hope this was interesting, and i’ll  try to write if  anybody is interested. maybe i’ll do it simply for the sake of it.