anxiety, chronic illness, dessert, disabled, fibromyalgia, Japanese food, Movies

going alone

lately i’ve been having fun going to the movies alone. in the past i would have never done that. i would have expected it to make me really anxious. i buy a reserved seat on the aisle (i have to be on the aisle…so i can make a quick get away! lol). it’s a long way to the theaters from the front of the movie plex. i launched myself along to the theater. sometimes i went with the boot on, for my Achilles tendinitis and then i could really move. who would have guessed? ūüôā

i like going alone because if the movie is bugging me i can wander around and get a refill on my giant soda, or primp and preen in the bathroom. if i really hate it, i can get up and leave! i don’t do that too often, but i have a few times and it’s fab not to worry about what somebody else wants! the seats at the theater (there’s only one i will go to…it’s close, i know my way around there and there is lots of handicapped parking!) best of all are the seats. they’re like nice recliners, more comfy than my furniture at home. the seats go back and a foot rest comes up. there are cup holders for your giant soda.

today i went out to lunch alone. that was fun too. i had red bean mochi for dessert and my husband wasn’t there to look disapprovingly at me. lol i can take as long as i want and i can look at my phone the whole time, if i feel like it. i don’t have to make conversation, which is sometimes awesome, but today i just didn’t feel like talking. i got there just before the lunch rush, so i got a booth all to myself. i had ramen (real japanese ramen, not the abomination in the plastic wrapper.) they make it with five different broths, you choose one. my favorites are shoyu ramen and miso ramen. it comes with a big piece of pork and a runny egg. i ask them not to give me those. ugh. there are still green onions, weird but tasty mushrooms, fresh corn, lots of noodles and broth. the broth is so go i eat most of that before i even start on the noodles, which are usually my main reason for ordering dishes like this. it was expensive, but entirely worth it. i’m a regular there now! the sushi chef plays bob marley allll the time. i’ve never been in there when he wasn’t playing it. i love that!

i always go to coffee on my own because my huz hates starbucks and only drinks the espresso he makes. i’m not so snooty. right after i get up and get dressed (sometimes i wear my pjs, it’s early) i go to 7-11 and get hazelnut coffee. if they don’t have it brewed, or if it’s been sitting in the container too long, they make me a fresh pot when i ask. i’m really, really a regular there.

there are so many bums around ¬†there, men and women. i’m going to go bankrupt with all the money i give them. i probably shouldn’t, i mean, i don’t especially want those people around, even more so¬†when i first ¬†get up, but my heart goes out to them. i was talking this guy and he told me it had been months since he got to sleep laying down. i imagined that and was horrified. he walks with a cane, too, so i really feel his pain.

everybody is looking for bus fare. ha! they should build a bus stop and right next door, the the cigarette and liquor store, with weed dealers outside next to that. lol. they could have a sign…homeless people with a lot of change welcome here. hahahahah

so, try going places alone, you can make your own choices, independently, doing just what you want! it’s freeing and once you get over feeling weird about it, you’ll really like it, but i don’t thing many people would want to go *everywhere* alone. i sure wouldn’t. but it’s fun when your looking for freedom.

chronic illness folks, you can take as much time as you need to with out worrying about someone else wanting to go faster. you can stop and rest, you can decide it’s too much and just go home. having a handicapped placard makes it soooo much easier! i know some of you just can’t go and i’m sorry about that. i hope this post doesn’t make you feel bad!

have an awesome wednesday!!! ‚̧

 

abstract, anxiety, art, bipolar, black and white, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, drawing, fibromyalgia, glasses, mania, medical marijuana, mental illness, optometrist, pen and ink

bipolar and fibromyalgia are kicking my ass

i’m feeling glum today. down, blue, bummed, out of sorts. ¬†i want to write and i get up and down from my desk and start to write and delete it.

so this is bipolar. i’m manic; but right this moment i’m feeling depressed. i’ll get back to feeling manic again. i spent all my money on a LOT of stuff, i just bought anything i wanted. ugh. now i’m left with a whole lot of things, a ¬†zillion of them and no money for anything else. typical mania. i’m hardly sleeping. i ate a huge dinner last night when of my husband’s friend came over, she’s Chinese, so she cooked real Chinese food for us. it was wonderful. but other than that, i’m not eating much.

being manic is a lot better than depressed, in my opinion. if mania lasts too long it can lead to big problems. i’ve been manic for about three weeks, it’s very low grade but can flare up or fall back into depression easily. ¬†it’s good for weight loss! mmj helps a lot, kind of evens me out, gently. it lifts my mood and dampens my constant pain. yay cannabis!

my new glasses are coming today! i’m so excited about being able to see at last. for the longest time eye doctors kept telling me that my prescription hadn’t changed, but i knew it had. finally it’s gotten so bad that the doctor was shocked there was such difference. duh! so hopefully these new glasses will be like new eyes! maybe i’ll be able to drive at night again. that would be really nice.

i am so incredibly cold. i’ve have gotten so much colder since i got fibromyalgia. right now i hurt because i’m cold. putting on lots of extra clothes doesn’t really cut it. it’s from the inside out. i want gloves. spring can be as cold as winter here i want to go get coffee, but i can’t get myself to leave the house. ūüė¶ that’s a product of both bipolar and chronic illness. imagine never ever feeling safe, not safe in your body and not safe in the outside world. maybe it’s anxiety, which seems to go along with bipolar or depression, or on it’s own.

maybe it’s agoraphobia, i suffered from that for a few years. it got to the point that i could only be in one room of the house, the computer/art room. i stayed there all the time, except for sleeping, at night i could go to the bedroom. we even ate our meals in there. my husband was so kind and thoughtful. he takes everything in stride. we’ve had hard times, what ¬†marriages don’t? but he’s a good one, no doubt about it!

compartmentalise

anxiety, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, disabled, dogs, fatigue, fibromyalgia, medical marijuana, Movies, stress relief

taking a hard fall

the huz and i went to Beauty and the Beast. it was all about dresses and dancing. it was visually fantastic, but that’s about all it did for me.

as i was coming in the house i tripped on the first  step into the living room i tripped and feel on my face. the mega huge soda that i refilled when we leaving the theater and went flying all over the room. i hit the floor with my hip and hand. now i have a sore wrist, a really sore hip, and a sticky floor. the floor is wood, which made the fall delightfully hard. grrr! gahhh! hopefully it was no more than some soreness. i fear this might bring on a flare (just like any kind flare up is like other kinds of flare ups, but in this case, the flare is increased pain) of my fibromyalgia symptoms.

i may spend the evening in bed or maybe one of my prescription NSAIDs. they help quite a bit. ice packs and heating pads will feel good and my pjs and of course, Mackie.

remember those adidas sandals i was stoked about? ¬†i left them together and after the cleaners ¬†came, there was only one. i hardly think they stole it. what would they do with it? lol i trust them anyway. i have looked and looked looked for it and can’t find it. sometimes they put things in odd places that i’d never think to look in or take it away with all their bags of stuff. now what, right? i suppose buy them again, but it just makes me want to scream. the huz will look. he’s good at finding things.

i guess i’ll just smoke a lot of medicine. of course that makes me worry about running out because i ¬†think i really am going to. that’s only happened once before.

so the day sucked. the evening hasn’t happened yet, it might get better.

anxiety, bipolar, disabled, feelings, fibromyalgia, Life, medicine

snapshot

i usually get coffee, about 7:30. i get my coffee at 7-11. i can make better coffee at home, but i like getting up and going somewhere. the guy working smiled and greeted me, and i him. he knows i like the hazelnut coffee, so if it’s gone or not fresh he’ll make a pot for me as soon as he sees me. ūüôā so the coffee is always really hot and fresh. sometimes, ok, i’ll admit it, most of the the i get a donut, a chocolate long, bar shaped one. it has custard inside. ahhhhh…when i’m feeling strong about losing weight i don’t get a donut. yesterday and today i didn’t get one, yay! i sit in my car and eat my donut, drink my coffee and drive around or go ¬†to a store and buy something under a dollar.

i never want to be around the house when people are getting ready. it makes me wonder what it would ¬†be like to be able to take a shower everyday.it makes me wonder what it would be like to look nice with my hair looking nice and jewelry on. it makes me want to be able to socialize with my co-workers and enjoy it.i’d love to have NO MEDICINE to take before, during, and after work.

i have a lot of things most people with jobs never have, good things. not working, can be as much a bad thing ¬†as a good. you enjoy it for about the first six months and then you start to feel bored and useless. and you have to accept you’ll never work again. i was politely asked to go on disability. that was in 2000. gaaaaaaaaaaaaah i expected to be successful, not shuffled out the door. i felt like i was fired. i never dreamed that it could happen to me.

as i was saying i was there are bad things about working and i miss having to ¬†have something to do with my life, but c’mon, i get up when i ¬†feel like it, at least by the time my huz gets up when his alarm goes off. that’s at 8. when i worked we had to be there and bright and shiny, between ¬†5:00am and 7:00am, depending on the schedule.i’ll never miss that job, except for the stock, but that’s an entirely different story.

now i ¬†only have appointments like taking my dog to get his claws clipped, or for ¬†my manicure, very very low stress.i don’t have to have short lunches where i run around and try to get errands done.i don’t have to deal with rush hour. i have a dog that’s getting older and i can take him out every two hours, i can’t imagine the poor thing shut out on our balcony having ¬†having to wait desperately for 8-9 hours. he wouldn’t get enough ¬†play or exercise.

weekends still excite me! i think TGIF! or have a good weekend or it’s gonna be great to have some time off. all my time is free time. the huz is home on the weekend.and i’m really glad about that!

mind you, that’s all great but i’m chronically ill. the only time i leave the house is that trip for coffee. i’m in pain, i have limited mobility, fatigue, ¬†on and on.

so maybe i should say, i wish i had somewhere to go in the morning, to have a point to my day and be able to do a good job. but all that hinges on my being healthy. and i’m not.

but i try to make the best of it. i still do thing  things as though i was getting ready. but on fresh clothes, brush my hair or and do zillion things to my face, make sure my nails are ok; put on psoriasis cream, put lotion on my legs and feet. and then i have to carefully clean up after myself because we share the master bathroom double sinks and the huz is a nazi about that counter. it has to be completely bare except for our electric toothbrushes and some hand soap. i had to fight just to get the hand soap on there, too. jeez.

so, it’s complicated, and i think i won’t think about it anymore! Shame on you fibromyalgia, spinal stenosis, and diabetes. there is nothing good about any of you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

chronic illness, chronic pain, diagnosis, disabled, drugs, fatigue, fibromyalgia, illness, insulin, spinal stenosis

spinal stenosis, why haven’t i written about this before?

i’ve written about fibromyalgia and diabetes and psoriasis but i’ve never written about spinal stenosis. i’ve never really talked about it to anyone before. it’s a bit hard to explain, or at least it takes a little while and not nearly as many people have heard of it.

spinal stenosis causes me more pain than any of my other ailments. it’s a narrowing of the spinal column, caused by a few different things, it’s arthritis in my case. the problems occur at ¬†L4 and L5. the column narrows enough to cause the discs to bulge and pinch nerves. i also have the same problem at the sacroiliac joints.

i have a very hard time walking, i’ve talked about that a lot. people don’t believe it when i tell them about how long i can stand up and how far i can walk. more about walking in another post. i walk with a cane most of the time. sometimes i wish for a walker or that i could collapse ¬†into a wheel chair. like fibromyalgia, the spinal stenosis has flares.

when it’s bad i have to drag myself around with my cane. trying to go upstairs makes me cry. laying in bed is better than standing or walking, but it’s far from comfortable. there is intense pain in my low back. pain in my hips and butt, weird inside pain in my pelvis. that pelvic pain makes me nauseated. i felt pain like that from endometriosis, too. i should talk about that, too (endometriosis, that is). pain from internal organs is different than any other. awful. nerve pain is also different than any other. then there’s injury pain, like broken bones, and the pain from pain in muscles and ligaments is all it’s own too. ahhh and arthritis pain. argh! and stomach pain. lol, i have it all!

my legs are very weak. i trip and fall too often. it bothers me. i see stairs and i imagine falling down them ¬†and just feel terrified. every once in awhile i wipe out at home and end up on the floor. it’s no fun! standing is very difficult. if i am in the kitchen and i want to use my phone to control my stereo, instead of being able to just stand there and do it, i have to sit down just to do that. i don’t go to stores very often because i can’t trust my legs to survive it without buckling, or getting a stab of pain down my leg or in my back and making a grunty ouch noise, lol, cause sometimes i just can’t help ¬†it! leaning on things like shopping carts helps a little but not nearly enough.

the stenosis is bad enough that my huz has to do 99% of what needs doing to keep things going well in our lives and home and meals and shopping, laundry, etc. my ¬†jobs are to make his lunch before he goes to work and taking the dog out to pee (he takes doggy out to poop 2x a day) 6 or 7 times a day. he’s getting older and i want to make sure he’s comfortable. i have to make sure i take all my meds and my injection and blood sugar, take care of myself (it can be a challenge because of the fibro fatigue.. we hire people to clean.

it didn’t take too terribly long to diagnose this. an MRI shows everything they need to see. it’s cool to be able to look at the MRI pictures with the doctor and have him show me exactly where the problem is and what’s going on.

there are drugs to take to make it easier. in general you don’t take narcotic pain relievers for it because it’s chronic. i take a prescription NSAID, use hot and cold packs, do stretching (i could be a lot better about doing that on a regular basis!) and unfortunately, bed rest.

i have degenerative disc disease, which means things will just get worse.

one day at a time!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

anxiety, art, bipolar, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, dog, dorgi, fatigue, fibromyalgia, illness, music, painting, writing

a blown fuse in the stereo was the catalyst…

we have a stereo in the living room that my husband built. it’s beautiful, both in looks and sound.¬†IMG_20151104_161920192

(thank heavens that bloody elliptical machine is gone. we sold it on craigs list.)

i love hanging out in there because the stereo sounds so good. sometimes during the day when everybody else is at work, i crank it and listen to something that gives me the shivers like “black bird fly” and “because” (beatles) or mozart’s requiem or some bad ass soundgarden, whatever. the volume can be frightening because if it goes all the way up (only happened about four times in a decade) it makes me crazy. the only way i can function enough is to grab the cord and unplug it. i have PTSD ¬†from my mother screaming in my face for years, so loud noises just rip me up.

right now there is a tiny fuse blown in the amplifier that my husband can fix. he figured out the problem with all kinds of tools and meters. i love having a man who understands electronics intimately! the problem is it’s a very specialized part, not the kind of thing you can get at Radio Shack (the one near me is finally going out of business). he ordered it from an obscure site that will take 10 days to get the damn thing. i’m used to Amazon Prime, free two day shipping!

so. no music for 10 days, at least not in the downstairs without headphones. breakfast, no music, lunch, no music, dinner, no music. i don’t like head phones that much, they make me feel too warm. i don’t like earbuds cause they hurt my ears (they must be deformed mutant ears) and the in ear kind won’t stay in. it’s those mutant ears….

that means i am driven up stairs. that’s not so bad because we have what we call the red room, which, big surprise, is painted a nice clear red. that’s the office art room. it used to be anyway. when i was feeling much worse than i do now, while they were trying to diagnose me, i couldn’t come upstairs much because it was such an ordeal, so painful. thanks fibromyalgia and your chronic pain!!! my huz moved most of the art stuff downstairs ¬†and i hung out in the living room on the couch and did what art i could. when i felt good/better i could sit at the dining room table and paint. i can make it into my happy place.

IMG_20170310_104635704

doesn’t that look fun!?

i’m way off topic! but who cares? it’s self expression and i should do whatever i feel like when i’m writing my blog, right?

there is a fab stereo in the red room and an other awesome one in the bed room, the purple room. the huz built both of those, too. building stereos, both the wood working and the electronics, is one of his hobbies. he’s a software engineer by day.

when i’m feeling crappy, which is 90% of the time, i can lay in bed and use my devices (that sounds rude lol), read a comic book, or draw in my sketchbook. inevitably i go to sleep. i think the pain just wears me out. plus fatigue is a biggie in terms of fibromyalgia symptoms. luckily the bed raises up at the top (like a craftmatic adjustable bed, remember those stupid commercials? doh!) so i’m pretty much sitting up and am more likely to stay awake, which is the goal.

i almost always have the puppeh in bed with me. he LOVES being in bed.

sleepy_mackie

my PC is in the red room. i didn’t use it at all for a couple of years. i was downstairs with my devices. the WordPress app is horrible, just awful. it won’t even show notifications, it just sits and spins it’s wheels. that’s a lot of why i didn’t write in this blog for months and months. i couldn’t use the PC which is the only decent way to work on the blog. (i can still read other people’s blogs on the devices, shwew!) the other thing was that i was so overwhelmed and in so much pain and so depressed that the idea of writing anything was repugnant. now that things are a little better, i don’t mind writing, i’ve come to really enjoy it. i i used to write a lot. i still keep a journal.

the blown fuse on the stereo downstairs is helping write my blog!

totally off topic! i’m listening to the eagles harmonize acapella. that would be a good thing for cranking on the living room stereo.

oh, and welcome to my house! tee hee! ūüôā

i hope you’re having an outstanding day! i plan to! ‚̧

 

 

 

 

 

chronic pain, corgi, dachshund, dog, dorgi, fibromyalgia, illness, pets, stress relief

playing with my dog, fibromyalgia style

one of the things that really broke my heart when i started ¬†getting sicker and sicker over the last three years was not being able to play wild and crazy with my dog, mackie, half corgi and half dachshund, weighing in at 20lbs. he’s sturdy and strong, and annoyingly persistent!

mackie-staring-at-the-camera

i always like the fact that he had that wide stance and nice strong legs, especially for a small dog. i didn’t want a small dog for a long time because i didn’t want an animal that was delicate and babyish.

mackie is spirited and hyper. he runs and jumps and sometimes barks too much, but he has a very particular happy bark and i don’t shush him when he barks like that. otherwise most barking is off-limits. he’s not afraid of anything except big rubber balls (?). we used to wrestle on the bed. it was great! he likes lots of physical contact and is game for a fight. i have nice memories of that.

i used to walk him, not super far,because i’ve had osteoarthritis in both knees for half my life, at least. but i took him out and walked him around or threw the ball for him. sometimes i let him off leash and let him wander. sniffing is his favorite thing now that he’s a bit older (12). ¬†since he knows i can’t chase him, the naughty little dog has figured out that if he runs off out of my sight, he can wander a lot further than i want him to. i have to rush around with my cane pushing me along, try to catch up with him. that only happened a couple times before he lost off leash privileges.

that was the first thing to go…off leash fun. it’s really interesting to notice that within a very short time, as my ability to walk very much declined, he picked up on it and took advantage of it. kind of depressing. my best friend was exploiting my illness! lol he’s just a dog and was just testing his limits and found he didn’t really have any outdoor limits, without being tied to me!

i felt bad for him. i wanted to let him wander and sniff for ages. i couldn’t walk him around enough for him to sniff much, so the best thing to do was to just let him sniff and i watched, sitting on my porch. i did that a long time because of my knees, but even then i didn’t need a cane and i was much more mobile so it worked better! he knew i could come get him pretty quickly.once he learned that he could get away with things he couldn’t before, i ¬†had to stop it.

my ability to throw the ball for him ¬†has declined a lot, too. i was never very good at it in the first place, but now i totally suck, so much so that i can’t do it for him anymore. it’s sad, he brings it to my feet and i can lob it about 2 feet. no more of that.

can i still play with my dog even though i have fibromyalgia? yes! (btw, why doesn’t spell check recognize “fibromyalgia?”)

i play with ¬†him indoors. Chuck It brand dog toys and treats, etc. makes indoor toys, for throwing indoors! i have a ring, the third one he’s been through, that has a soft felt core and a sort of terry cloth cover. it’s very lightweight and throws well. it might bump over something light if it hit it, but for the most part it’s harmless…especially because it doesn’t make marks on the walls. check it outhttps://www.amazon.com/1-PK-Chuckit-Indoor-Roller/dp/B00943YO6U/ref=sr_1_6?s=arts-crafts&ie=UTF8&qid=1489628059&sr=8-6&keywords=chuck+it+indoor+toys

Chuck It also makes a handle with a ball shaped scoop at the end that you throw balls with that would make it easier to play longer distance, but even that’s too much for me. so, i sit on the couch and throw that ring forever,endlessly, eternally until it’s too spitty to be tolerated!

he runs and plays. it’s not hard for me to throw it, it’s so light, and the living room isn’t huge, so it works out well unless it goes under something he can’t reach. that requires getting out the cane to push things out from under chairs and tables.

we have a lot of fun that way! i can actually tire him out (that’s quite a feat!) by throwing the Chuck It ¬†ball around the living room (he’s really good at snatching it right out of the air!). it makes life more interesting for both of us and he gets to run and play and get the exercise a active dog like him needs.

moral of the story, usually if you try, you can find a different way to do things you used to do before you were sick, but seem like you can’t do now. this was my solution . it works for me. other people will probably have lots of other solutions!