anxiety, bipolar, comics, depression, diabetes

Social anxiety and more

It’s time for a chatty blog about my life and thoughts. This sounds funny but I’m trying to reach myself to type with both of my thumbs. if I was 30 years younger I would be very good at it!  

I’m having a lot of trouble with my health insurance. They say my psychiatrist is out of network, though they,’ve counted her as in network for over a decade. so they are charging me full price for a whole lot of visits. They say I owe $3,500! The doctor is having her assistant work on it and my husband has done a lot of work on it and so have i.

I see my therapist tomorrow. Yay!

I have been in an especially large amount of pain. My medical marijuana has been extremely helpful, it always is!

These days I’ve been smoking pre rolled joints. It’s an expensive way to take my medicine. I’m taking the capsules sometimes; depending how how I feel.

I used to hate smoking, because of my mother who smoked 2-3 packs a day for 50 years. I didn’t smoke pot until I met my husband who wasn’t a stoner, (it makes laugh to think of it) but smoked a lot of weed. That was the beginning of my stoned life. It was 1994.

Losing weight is still on a plateau, but that’s ok because I’m maintaining at my best weight. My fingers got small enough for me to wear my wedding ring set. yay!

 

Depression depression depression.

Pain pain pain

Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety

 

I got new phone, thanks dad! I bought the LG 6G, unlocked. it’s_ lovely. My old one died the very same day.

I suspect I’ll be up late tonight. I wanna watch Deadpool. This afternoon I sort of watched it…I saw the very beginning and the very end. I slept through pretty much all of it. Doh! I’m glad I didn’t see it in the theater! I’m going to give it another chance tonight.

I haven’t been to the comic book store in a couple of months. I used go every Tuesday to talk to the owner who works there sometimes. We became friends because I often came into the store, buying lots and lots of comics for a couple years. He suggested so many great books for me to read and introduced me to his favorite author, who soon became my favorite, too. Scott Snyder has written books that are favorites of both of ours.

I stopped going there because once I went there when I was very depressed and was barely holding it together. A couple tears escaped and I walked out without saying goodbye. I promised myself that I wouldn’t go see him anymore. I guess I felt ashamed. I was punishing both of us because of my mental illness. He knew about it and was very understanding.

I let myself go there today, partly because I really wanted to see him and I just want to hang out in the store. All those comics, perfectly organized. It was also was because after I thought my decision to never go back was kind of over the top and silly, I guess.

Maybe it wasn’t so silly after all. Today he was glad to see me and didn’t asked where I’d been. It was thoughtful. But my social anxiety kicked in and instead of being able to see him and have a nice talk, I froze. I couldn’t say a thing. I bought something and left. I cried on the way home.

It makes me cringe. I feel like a coward ditching one of my real life friends, someone really that was so good to talk to is ironic that it’s ending because I can’t talk. I’m going to try not to go there anymore. Or should I go back and be honest? I dunno. It really made me feel shitty since I was hoping it would cheer me up.

I went to group today. It was good, which is a strange thing to say since 2 people decided they would check themselves into a mental hospital.

My diabetes still isn’t under control, which is causing me a great of stress. I’m not eating g badly. I just have trouble taking my shots, I forget and sometimes i just don’t take it. I’m not sure why.

A lot of things in my life are areas that I’m not sure about and that sucks.

Ending on a lighter note, for years u thought it would be awesome if you could go to the store and but a pack of joints. In this case the dispensary is the store but with that in mind,my fantasy came true!

Good morning!

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abstract, abstractexpressiomism, art, Art for sale, colorful, fine art, inks, modern art, painting

“Blanket Over the Sky”

I want to remind everyone that I’m selling my art now. I’m offering small paintings, on paper for $15-$20 ish. Shipping for the USA *and* international is free.

This painting is $20. It’s 8.5×11″ it’s alcohol ink on transparent yupo. (basically it’s ink on shiny paper). The colors are much brighter in person. Let me know if you’re interested in the comments or at

very.crazy.ruthie @ gmail.com

Enjoy!

blanket over the sky

 

 

Entertainment, Movies, writing

going to the movies

I have mentioned many times how often i go to the movies, and mostly alone. I’ll see practically anything, just to go to the theater.

I have a handicapped parking placard so i get to park right in front. I use my cane because it’s kind of a long way from the lobby to the theaters. I always get the same seat. C15. i have to be on the aisle. The theater i go to is the only one i’ll patronize. The seats are like huge soft recliners that sometimes makes me sleepy when i’m seeing a film just to be at the movies. I kind of like seeing films like that so when i have to get up to go to the bathroom,  it doesn’t matter much. I have to pee 2 or 3 times during a movie.

That’s because i get a giant soda and suck it down fast, then refill it. They have those Coke machines that have every possible kind of coca cola product. I usually get ginger ale with a fruit flavor in it. Sometimes i have diet minute maid pink lemonade with sprite zero. Once in awhile i’ll get popcorn, but you get so much and then i eat it all even if i don’t really want to. Gah!

I love sitting in the dark. The films are very loud and that makes me feel free sometimes. The seat i mentioned that i always get is pretty close to the screen, that way it’s always free, no one else is  ever around there. I can kick back and be hidden in the cold, dark theater. Unless i’m a dodo and forget to wear a long sleeve shirt or a flannel. If i remember to dress warmly the cold is nice. I love air conditioning! I have it on at my house now!

When i come out of a movies when it’s over, i feel like i’ve come from a vacation. I refill my massive soda and head out to my super hot car.

Yay! I saw the new planet of the apes movie yesterday. I went with my husband. I think he’s really happy that i like going to the movies again. (there was a very long period of time, years and years, that i didn’t ever want to go to the movies.) He loves them too, just not quite as much as me!

Have a lovely sunday! Relax or play! Sleep or swim! Eat or go for a walk! Read or watch a movie! Pet your furbaby. That’s key. 😀