blogging, chronic illness, comics, depression, diabetes, disabled, drugs, fibromyalgia, h.r. giger, illness, medicine, Movies, spinal stenosis

update on the state of my mind

i heard an audioslave song, one of my favorites, on a grunge station and i choked up, got tears in my eyes. i keep wondering what chris cornell was thinking during that time between the show, alone in his hotel room, to hanging himself. what pushed him over the edge? all these years i’ve seen interviews with  him and he always seemed so thoughtful and intelligent. i have depression too (i’m bipolar), so i can imagine those feelings pretty clearly. i understand being able to play a show without anyone knowing that you’re feeling like you just can’t make it anymore. (not that i’ve ever played a rock show in front of thousands, but i have had to put an “i’m normal and happy” face when i had to. he had to a lot.  i know you can hide even the worst feelings.  i feel for him so bad. i wish i could have talked to him in that time between the show and his suicide. i don’t know if i could have helped at all, but it seems like if there had been someone there, who got how he felt, it might have gone differently. although, someone who wants to die enough to actually do it, will do it sometime, no matter what you do. i just wish and wish and wish it hadn’t happened. i try to hear it in his voice, when he sings, and i think i might.

i’ve had a lot of pain these past few days. it’s my back i think. that and my knees. the injections in my knees have worn off. you’re usually supposed to get the injections twice a year. you get them in your knee joint (or in this case knees).  you take them in three set sets, both knees each week for three consecutive weeks.

the last time i got them was a year and a half ago. i was having problems with my legs because of my spinal stenosis. at first they thought it was diabetic (yup, got that too) neuropathy, but then decided my symptoms didn’t fit. i was also seeing many doctors on the way to being diagnosed with fibromyalgia. in the middle of all of this, i got two sets of the arthritis injections (the medicine is called Synvisc) and each time my legs became incredibly painful. i figured it was the shots, since it happened each time i got them. i refused the third set (but it still worked for all that time!).  the pain was insane. the second time i ended up screaming and going to the hospital in an ambulance. the EMT gave me iv fentanyl . the pain was still intense, but it made me stop screaming. at the hospital they gave me a couple of shot of dilaudid and that did the trick. they sent me home and the pain went down a lot, but was still feeling too bad to function. it was like that for several days. i don’t know how i got up the stairs but i didn’t go down for 3 days. the staircase was impossible. sitting down on the toilet made me cry out from having to bend my legs.

so! it’s time for synvisc again and i’m fucking terrified. but the knee pain it too bad to live with forever, or even much longer now. i have to try sometime! eep. gasp. panic.

i’m doing something that might be smart, or it might be stupid as hell. i’m getting the one shot synvisc injection. you get all three sets in one injection. it’s 3x as much medicine as i’ve been getting spread over three weeks. the doctor says things like, there will be a great deal of pressure. and the nurse says, the reason not very many people get the synvisc one is because of the pain.

the medicine is thick and the surgeon puts a hypodermic needle that seems like it’s a foot long into the center of your knee joint. it hurts. a lot. but i could deal with it, i’ve been through a lot of pain over the years, so i was ok. but i’m scared about this one. will it be three times worse? i can’t imagine that. the only anesthetic they use is lidocane on the skin where the needle goes in. it doesn’t do shit and it hurts like hell when she puts it on, burning cold. beyond that, and more importantly, than that is the aftermath. will it be 3x worse? i can’t imagine that either.

i decided have the one time shot so that i wouldn’t have to go through the pain afterwards 3x. fear fear fear.  i have a lot of trouble with mental pain, but physical pain is usually something i feel very brave about. but this time is scary.

my tablet died. i finished orange is the new black and it was sooooooo super good. i can’t wait for the upcoming season. my new show is breaking bad. i missed it when it was so popular and i hear so many people say they loved it, i have to watch it. i want to watch better call saul, too, so i thought i’d better watch breaking bad first. i’m reading a superman comic called “secret identity.” it’s a little different than a superman comic we’re all familiar with. it starts with a kid whose parents’ last name was kent. they thought it would be a laugh riot to name him clark.  he’s the laughing stock of the town. but things change. i’ve only read the first couple of issues within the trade paperback. but already he’s developing superpowers that he keeps as a closely guarded secret, hence the title.

i saw Aliens: Covenant yesterday. a lot of the movies at my favorite theater play before noon. all of the movies before noon are half price! so i saw it at 11:30am. it wasn’t very  good. but that’s not to say i didn’t enjoy it. there were some jump out of your seat moments,  and some interesting new additions, but a lot of it was the same thing i’ve seen in all the aliens movies. people see pods and get right over them and look in, well surprise! an alien jumps out and plasters itself to their face. that never happens in an aliens movie! there were running down tunnels or hallways that are sealed and the person running gets locked in with the monster.  that’s an old aliens favorite. it was fun to watch, especially if you’re a die hard aliens fan, like me. one of the things that bothers me the most is that there isn’t any Giger art. i know why, he always battled makers of aliens, maybe ridley scott, or who knows else, used his art for almost nothing and i think they even used things of his after he left the job because they were screwing him over. (this might be quite flawed, but i saw a documentary about giger and that’s what i remember.) i know he was very bitter about it. in this film there were a couple of piles of drawings that you see that look or are giger’s work, but there are vast areas of things like columns with nothing on them when i can imagine them covered with carved giger art.

that’s about it for now, but i think that’s more than enough!

bye!

 

child abuse, dad, family, mental illness, writing

No More Wire Hangers 2

i have cut myself off from my maternal extended family entirely. i stopped talking to them before i stopped having a relationship with my mother. all my blood relatives there are as crazy or crazier than me. we’ve all been in mental hospitals, we’re all on long lists of meds. we all get really psychotic from time to time and we’re all full of rage because each one of us, including the adults, are victims of child abuse and are mentally ill. they are toxic and every word they say is a trigger.

i decided early on that i was not going to have children because   i want to break the evil chain that has been passed down for generations. my great grandmother came here from ireland. her last name is my middle name. she and my great grand father abused my grandfather who abused my mother and her three sisters. all four are very mentally ill and the three that have children abused their kids.

i knew from childhood that i didn’t want to have children. in the end it’s kind of ironic because i was always so super careful about not getting pregnant because i didn’t want to carry on the tradition. the ironic thing is that i had endometriosis (i had a hysterectomy and it’s gone now) so i probably couldn’t have gotten pregnant regardless. it was an epic case of better safe than sorry! i was very safe! but i couldn’t have been sorry!

thus  far it’s gone down through my cousins, the mental illness, but i don’t think any of them abuse their children, but who knows.

i had a psychiatrist to said my mother was “crazy making.” i knew he’d really hit the spot. in the previous post about child abuse, i talked about how my mother lied to me all my life, about huge important things and that she told me things that were the opposite of what they were.  she told me my father still loved her, she told me what a great relationship she and i had. i didn’t know what to think. i knew, or thought i knew, or suspected that it was a lie or a delusion on her part. i was a confused kid, bipolar coming on and even though she was mean and manipulative, she was my mom, so i believed her.

along the same lines, she preceded every criticism or rant she made about my father by saying, your father is a wonderful man and he loves you so much. i would never say anything to make you feel bad about him. then she would launch into a speech about something he had done or said wrong. she did that about a lot of people, people i loved or liked–sneakily try to turn me against whoever had made her angry.

later, as i figured out more about her  through therapy and learned more about her life from my father i began to realize that some of the people i thought i “should” hate were really nice people with nothing wrong with them. she was twisted and the way she twisted me up made me  scared about everything.

nothing i knew was solid. there was no one i could trust.  sometimes even now i stop myself from thinking about something because i can’t forget that she told me she could read my mind.

and now because of that birthday card she sent me, i am thinking about it a lot lately.

no fun.

abstract, anxiety, art, bipolar, black and white, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, drawing, fibromyalgia, glasses, mania, medical marijuana, mental illness, optometrist, pen and ink

bipolar and fibromyalgia are kicking my ass

i’m feeling glum today. down, blue, bummed, out of sorts.  i want to write and i get up and down from my desk and start to write and delete it.

so this is bipolar. i’m manic; but right this moment i’m feeling depressed. i’ll get back to feeling manic again. i spent all my money on a LOT of stuff, i just bought anything i wanted. ugh. now i’m left with a whole lot of things, a  zillion of them and no money for anything else. typical mania. i’m hardly sleeping. i ate a huge dinner last night when of my husband’s friend came over, she’s Chinese, so she cooked real Chinese food for us. it was wonderful. but other than that, i’m not eating much.

being manic is a lot better than depressed, in my opinion. if mania lasts too long it can lead to big problems. i’ve been manic for about three weeks, it’s very low grade but can flare up or fall back into depression easily.  it’s good for weight loss! mmj helps a lot, kind of evens me out, gently. it lifts my mood and dampens my constant pain. yay cannabis!

my new glasses are coming today! i’m so excited about being able to see at last. for the longest time eye doctors kept telling me that my prescription hadn’t changed, but i knew it had. finally it’s gotten so bad that the doctor was shocked there was such difference. duh! so hopefully these new glasses will be like new eyes! maybe i’ll be able to drive at night again. that would be really nice.

i am so incredibly cold. i’ve have gotten so much colder since i got fibromyalgia. right now i hurt because i’m cold. putting on lots of extra clothes doesn’t really cut it. it’s from the inside out. i want gloves. spring can be as cold as winter here i want to go get coffee, but i can’t get myself to leave the house. 😦 that’s a product of both bipolar and chronic illness. imagine never ever feeling safe, not safe in your body and not safe in the outside world. maybe it’s anxiety, which seems to go along with bipolar or depression, or on it’s own.

maybe it’s agoraphobia, i suffered from that for a few years. it got to the point that i could only be in one room of the house, the computer/art room. i stayed there all the time, except for sleeping, at night i could go to the bedroom. we even ate our meals in there. my husband was so kind and thoughtful. he takes everything in stride. we’ve had hard times, what  marriages don’t? but he’s a good one, no doubt about it!

compartmentalise

batman, bipolar, chronic illness, dentist, diabetes, drugs, insulin, medicine

daily drugs

the pills are morning, noon, and night. i can swallow each line of pills at once. 😀 the big bottle is prescription mouth wash that i’m using to help my gums while i go through this insane amount of dental work i’m having done. i’m fixing all the urgent/necessary work done in a couple of months. i’m so bipolar!  i went years without taking care of them and now i want to get EVERYTHING done at once.

the gray thing is an insulin pen, with a fresh needle next to it. you unwrap the needle and screw it onto the pen. you dial up how many units you want and give yourself the injection. it’s so much easier that having to take the insulin out of a vial with a syringe everytime.

the Batman band aid is for a cut on my toe. lol all that stuff is sitting on my old painting table, hence the huge mess!

 

daily drugs

anxiety, bipolar, chronic illness, chronic pain, comics, depression, disabled, fatigue, fibromyalgia, Uncategorized, weather

Fibromyalgia Life

i have fibromyalgia. it has an insane number of symptoms. i’m not here to educate you about fibro, i just want to tell you about my experience.

yesterday i was so sick. i had a toothache, totally not related to fibro, i’m having a lot of dental work done right now, but the pain from that and from the pain in my joints and muscles and skin. those are all from fibro.  they all contributed to making me feel like i had the flu. i might as well have.

i had the chills and a fever. the chills are just awful. i rapidly switch from boiling hot to freezing. i kept having to wash my face because i was pouring sweat, both hot and cold. i was shaking and shaking. i got dehydrated because i was distracted from drinking water and eating food.

i was nauseated and exhausted. my  husband comforted me and my online friends gave me support.

this lasted from about 10am to midnight. mostly i was  wrapped  in a long sleeve shirt, a thick hoody and a big down comforter, and pillows! i threw it all off when i got hot. i sat in my nest on the couch and smoked medical marijuana which helped a lot. it made me more comfortable, mainly relaxing my muscles which were so tense from the chills.

i took my temperature and i had a low grade fever. i had a headache that was starting to turn  into a migraine. luckily it didn’t. my joints hurt a lot because i have arthritis but also because it started raining again in Northern California. Ouch! and swelling!  my poor ankles.

i managed to eat dinner because the warm food felt so good on my teeth, i guess because it was warm and of course cold air or water, ice cream, whatever, make them hurt like hell.i ate salmon and rice. it was good! Food is so good when you haven’t eaten for 12 hours!

today i woke up  to my normal pain level (about 5ish to 6ish). i got up and got ready. i felt like i was going to collapse. fatigue!  i’ve started taking the ritalin my psychiatrist wants me to take so i don’t sleep all day everyday. that’s partly from the depression and also an escape from my daily pain. so here i am writing my second post today!

hopefully i’ll have some energy to read comic books and if i could get past my art block and my tv block, things would be a lot easier. sleeping all day so frequently, you get get to feeling like your life is just slipping away. i don’t want to give into that, so i take the ritatalin even though i don’t want to, i want to sleep all day!  i’m awake and doing something productive. i’m listening to the groovy rock by The Small Faces.

expect more posts!

anxiety, art, art block, artist, chronic illness, chronic pain, comics, depression, disabled, fatigue, feelings, illness, Life

art block and life with chronic illness

i have an art block! these are always scary because as soon as it happens you worry that you ‘ll never paint or draw again. my days are so fickle, between the pain, which is different every day and my moods (i am bipolar)swinging.. thanks fibromyaia and thanks to my stupid spine not to mention my  ! since it’s nerve pain, accentuated by one’s emotions and stress levels, how much sleep you get, your anxiety, everything you can think of can cause a flare (an increased amount of pain and other symptoms of fibro, lasting for a few minutes to a few days. some days aren’t too bad and others are miserable.i’m sad to say my diabetes is out of control; i’m doing my best to  get it down, but i can’t seem to do it. i’m trying and i won’t give up.

the art block really sucks because i rely upon art therapy as part of what i need everyday. i see the art supplies and i feel a panicky need to get going on  painting. i sit down at the table  with all my painting supplies around me.

it’s useless. total fail. i get up from the table and got to the living room to read comics. i have a lot of new ones, so it’s pretty exciting. i went to the comic book store 3x this week!  i’ve been buying single issues rather than trade paperbacks, which are collect quite a few issues and are considered graphic novels. i’m trying to figure out what series i want to follow. there are so many different batman series going on and they’re all based on the batman story, tons of variations.

i’m so tired, i’m going back to bed. 😦 fatigue. so much more than  being tired. it feels like your limbs are lead and you have to sleep or you will have a panic attack.

abstract, art, artist, bipolar, dad, depression, painting, stress relief, Uncategorized

art history of me!

i think think i should write more in this blog. i know seeing pictures of my art is nice, but it’s kind of impersonal if i just post the pictures without any descriptions or explaining my technique, etc.

let’s start out with a little bit about my “art history.”

when i was 11 i found out that i was bipolar I, OCD, anxiety and panic disorder, i have eating disorder symptoms. PTSD was always there in there underneath. my mother was abusive, had almost all the symptoms. can you imagine two people (my dad left) like that, and filled with rage trying to cope.

everybody in my maternal extended family was an artist, professional or as a  hobby. my mother taught me a lot about art. art’s in my blood. so is mental illness. all those artistic people in the family are mentally ill. most of them are in treatment.

my tough childhood, and my physical illnesses caused me to move out of the city i grew up in (st. louis–horrible place.) and move to the  Bay Area to go to university–Santa Clara University. i started taking art classes, for fun, most of what i did was photography. i loved it. i started learning about composition, something i think i do well. i started to doodle.

i graduated from university at 23 and got married immediately. i was very depressed at the time. my dad knew that i was stagnating and falling deeper into my misery. he gave me money to buy painting supplies. i started out with oils, got brushes and canvases, linseed oil. the canvases i bought were huge. i had one that was $100. i knew  nothing about painting so i was just going along with my instincts.i knew immediately that i wanted to  paint abstract works. my paintings were decent, looking back.

i floated away from painting and didn’t make any art for a while.  i started to make jewelry  that i sold on etsy. i made weird jewelry, very mixed media. i even had custom beads made for me by etsy artists i made friends with. they taught me a lot, especially about photographing  jewery. all my creative energy went into making jewelry. i figured a lot out on my own. at this point i realized that it was therapy, art therapy.  i spent more money on the materials my jewelry to expensive for people  to buy and if i priced them lower i’d be losing money big time. i quit, sadly.

shortly after that my husband suggested i join deviantArt. it was so exciting! so much to see, so many people that were friendly and eager to teach out and help others. i had two accounts and disappeared for long periods of time. over the six  years learning to draw and paint. i still can’t draw very well. i can make trippy drawings with sharpies, thought. i think a lot of my paintings are pretty good. i’m always trying new things. it’s exciting every time i sit down to make a piece of artwork.

i don’t sell my art. i trade it and give it away.

now art is a huge part of my life.it is wonderful therapy.  it’s accumulating all over my house! i post it on various social media sites. not fb though. i get bad vibes from that site.

 

anyway, hope this was interesting, and i’ll  try to write if  anybody is interested. maybe i’ll do it simply for the sake of it.