i made this tonight. it’s a watercolor painting that made me think of a war torn sky, or my imagination’s version of that!
this is the third day in a row that i was able to create something each day. that’s usually what i do. i’s been two weeks since i had surgery on my hand. i only painted twice during that time. for me, that’s weird and generally upsetting. then came these few days. yay!
i painted an abstract watercolor. i wanted it to have the feeling of a peacock.
i think this is my best work of 2015 so far!i i’ve been using this same technique with high flow acrylics, but watercolors have more subtle colors that blend without looking muddy and they dry (especially since i use so much water) with much more interesting textures.
what does this make you think of?
never send your kids to summer camp. they made me go. it rained, there were ticks, wolf spiders and melted ice cream. my first panic attack. jumping off the diving board, or not. fourth of july, archery. i wasn’t strong enough. i pulled and got nothing. there were other summers, like the one when the horse i couldn’t ride stood on my foot. all of that, for nothing. isn’t that the way it usually happens?
can you see in the dark? i couldn’t, and i still can’t. careening from bed to broken nose. the psychiatrist was apologetic, we agreed that she should be. another day another tiny plastic kidney shaped vomit receptacle. this time it was my turn to apologize. clown pants in the waiting room, i didn’t care.
i still don’t (care) and i never will. it only makes me care a hundred times more about the rest. i didn’t get any rest for the last four decades.it makes me wonder why no one ever knew. i didn’t, and i guess that was enough.
it was a crappy car with a french name, more than second best but less than brand new. i drove it halfway across the nation with no speedometer. i forgot what happened when i got there, but i was being judged. writing in closets with heat pouring off an old fashioned radiator, i examined my motives and concluded it was modern dance.
today is question day. one to the left and three on the aisle. polyester industrial fabric is filling the room. suffocating the women and children. piles of jewelry and gold teeth,watches, glasses, thrown in a piles. piles of piles.. ghosts abound. i go down that aisle again, but this time someone tripped me. i couldn’t catch myself and we all know that led to a broken face. they reassure you til you know for sure that it’s dangerous.
i found paradise on an airplane. the mile low club.i saw the tear in her stocking and wondered why she was still wearing them. we flew right over macy’s. the last time i was there i stocked up on stockings. they were so tight, that i couldn’t even swallow the mouthful of beer. i spat it out and i realized it was in her hair before she did. she was wearing it down,right down her back. it made think of black butterflies, fluttering in the stale air.
midnight mass on christmas eve is always crowded. i bent and kissed the bishop’s ring i saw the way everyone looked at me and realized my behavior was unacceptable, shocking even. sometimes when people get angry they say things are unacceptable. what a futile thing do say. there is no such thing. there is no too much, no too little, no limit. you think no pain will go on until you can’t stand it but you can. you have to stand it until you’re dead.
people don’t understand. they don’t know what it is to need. i just need one more pill and i’ll feel the way i want to. that’s need. mostly need is waiting. need teaches you how to wait, but not wait quietly. waiting strung up tight. i told her she was anal. haha. she sputtered in anger. turned red. i surprised myself by having to try not to smile.
i try not to smile, but if i do i stretch my lips into a half circle, with my lips pressed together, tight. i still have that appalling scar on the tip of my nose. we were at the zoo and the monkeys made me scared. i felt like i was going to faint. i felt that once in gym class. i don’t know if i really did or not. i always wish things were worse.