anxiety, bipolar, blogging, chronic pain, depression, disabled, fibromyalgia, marijuana, medical marijuana, mental illness, Movies, spinal stenosis

A tin of mini joints! yay mmj!

I went to “my” dispensary, Harborside Health Center, in Oakland, CA this morning and the 45 minute drive from where I live (Fremont) was really easy. Sometimes it’s awful.  I drive up 880N on the east San Francisco Bay area going up to the Bay Bridge to “the City.” The freeway leads to a zillion other places, too.

The drive can be a bitch. I wouldn’t go near it during rush hour! But it can develop big problems at any time. I think all of this is like any other big city and it’s surroundings.

The freeway (what do you call it? Highway? Motorway? Autobahn?) I pretty scary in places there are very narrow lanes, and lots of places that have no shoulder, some epically bad merges, and more trucks than you can shake a stick at! For a long time it terrified me to drive up there. Now I know it inside out. I actually enjoy it. It clears my head. It’s also probably the most exciting place I ever go!

Today I bought a lot of mini joints.

tin of mini joints 2

Big joints or cones or blunts are just too much for me and since it’s medicine, I don’t share it with anyone. nobody wants to light up something you were smoking before and put out. Yuck! I came across these mini joints are perfect for me or anyone wants to smoke a joint by themselves. The cute tin is great for carrying them somewhere else you need to take your medicine. They’re also a really good deal. They’re 1/4g. The tins cost $40 and hold 12 mini joints.

So! Time to talk about movies. Last weekend my huz and I went to see Valerian. The eye candy was gorgeous. It was very creative and the best special effects I’ve seen in a long time. The girl who plays Loreline is Thea from Arrow. That was a surprise. I like her character on Arrow, so I liked her right away. She’s hotter than hot and loves to show it off. I was very surprised that Valerian was male! For some reason I thought he was a girl. Doh!

I’m only talking about surface things because it’s still me and I won’t give you any spoilers.

Atomic Blonde is out now. I adore Charlize Theron and slick action films are hardly deep, but they’re fun to watch. I have a feeling I’ll be going to that alone next week!

This weekend we are celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary! One of the things we’re going to do to celebrate is to see Dunkirk. It got great reviews and it’s my very favorite subjects! (I have a b.a. in British history.

Tonight, as a beginning of our celebration, my husband brought me a s’mores sundae. It had real toasted marshmallows on top, they were even kind of burnt, as they should be! We’re going to have a special dinner, but I dunno what. We don’t exchange gifts, he has everything he could ever want, I just got a new phone from my dad, I don’t really need anything. We share the money so what’s the point? We do fun stuff instead!

On the upcoming Tuesday I scheduled 3 doctor’s appointments! Is that mind-blowing or what?? Who has that many doctor’s appointments?? I had to postpone one and I’m going to the other two because they are both psychiatric. I’m seeing my therapist and going to group. The third appointment was in the same department, but it was just getting started with a doctor who runs an acupuncture and meditation group. I can’t wait to start that, though!

I will be seeing my psychiatrist sometime next week, too! Can you tell I’m feeling crazier than crazy? I’m trying to keep myself out of the hospital.

On that jolly note I shall say gooodnight, at least for the moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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abstract, art, art therapy, bipolar, black and white, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, disabled, fibromyalgia, illness, insomnia, mania, mental illness, pen and ink, psychedelic, spinal stenosis

“3 am”

3am

A couple of nights ago a panic attack woke up at 3 am. Í think i had the attack because I was in a lot of pain and that made my mind flip out. I got up because I was wide awake and anxious as hell. 

I sat at the dining room table from 3 am until 8 am when it was finished. 

This is just line art so it doesn’t look that exciting, but I enjoyed it so much that I am making another one that is larger and has a lot of filling in and highlighting. Stay tuned!
Sleep well WordPressers!

anxiety, bipolar, blogging, chronic illness, depression, fibromyalgia, illness, mental illness, spinal stenosis, weightloss

3 reasons for me to feel good today

There are three reasons for me to be in good spirits today. Yay!

It’s National Fried Chicken Day!!I LOVE fried chicken! The second) good news will be ruined unless I only eat a little bit o. But oh I really want plates of it! 

What a bummer that other countries aren’t having national fried chicken day. If anyone hasn’t had American style fried chicken, come have dinner at my house. My husband is frying enough chicken for thousands!

The other news is pretty exciting!

As of this morning I have lost 57 pounds! (26kg)

I’m still losing I don’t have a goal, even though they say you should. if someone asked my advice even *I* would say it was a good idea. Right now I don’t I’m trying to pretend it’s not happening. That can help me do well and to stress less. I really don’t get it. I eat very lightly but I just don’t feel tempted. I don’t think about food most of the time. Maybe my depressive episode is to thank for it. Yay for depression. Ugh.

I want to go in an imaginary world where I can lock myself into my bedroom and have a pillow fight with myself. It would be zero gravity, so almost no pain! I need my beloved soda stream! My dog, water, comicbooks, alllll the pillows and blankets we have,and …LOTS of other stuff!

My huzzy does everything that needs to be done. I’m struggling to stop feeling guilty; last night after dinner I played with my phone while trying not to watch him clean up the dinner *he* cooked.

Everybody who reads my blog a lot (thank you lovely people) knows that I’m disabled. I have fibromyalgia and spinal stenosis, I walk with a cane. I have a lot of chronic pain, so there’s no way I can help with anything. I want to so much. I want to do things, like very simple stuff like putting the dishes in the dishwasher, but I can’t. I can’t stand up very long and bending over is not an option.

I want you to know, fuzzy huzzy, that you are the best husband a girl could have! Our 24th anniversary is at the end of July. Pretty impressive, I think!💞🌹

The huz takes excellent care of me. He’s a fab cook and he really enjoys that. But who enjoys going to the grocery store  and the farmer’s market to, go to the post office and such. Thank goodness we’re able to have a cleaning service come in.

He never complains, he’s never late, he doesn’t neglect things that need be done. He’s not perfect, but he’s the best choice i ever made. 💘💒

It’s hot and i didn’t notice again. Lol it’s 90F (34c)!  Lol!  I think i’m going to walk down the stairs very very carefully! Have a good evening, all.

art, art therapy, artist, drawing, Handmade jewelry, modern art, painting, stress relief, surreal, writing

art is therapy (illustrated)

Art has been a powerful form of therapy for me. i’ll show you!

 

conjoined alien twins return

This was one of my first acrylic paintings. I wanted to create something surreal. almost all my experience with art was abstract. It came to me naturally. surreal was a lot harder!

the lizard print is from when I was in high school, one of the toughest times in my life. My parents were in the middle of an ugly divorce and my bipolar was  undiagnosed and out of control. I was drinking heavily.

My four years of art class was a haven. We got to use the 2 big art rooms and supplies on lunch or after school. The teacher, Sister Claire was wonderful.

this is a lino print i made in one of her classes. she taught us to cut mattes too, i did a good job, but this photo doesn’t make it look that way!

“lino lizard” 1989

lino lizard-crop

I didn’t paint a lot until 2009. It was a very difficult time in my life.. I felt hopeless and shut down. I found art as a form of therapy. I knew I was creative and i’ve appreciated modern art as long as I can remember.

I didn’t know what to do about it. Then I read about prismacolor pencils online. I bought a ream of card stock and a set of them. I used up the whole ream and half of the pencils.

“pachyderm” an early colored pencil drawing

pachyderm_by_merpagigglesnort

I drew all day, most days and I felt better, as time went on. I joined deviantart and started to learn. I asked everyone everything.

I worked on learning to paint and draw. It was practice and obsession. It was incredible. The world seemed open again. I tried as many mediums as could.

I made friends with artists on social media sites. We discussed artists we liked, techniques, inspiration and motivation.  We validate each other and give and get positive feedback.

As I said, my art epiphany happen in 2009. It wasn’t the only time I painted. Both times my muse was my depression.

In 1995 I was asked to take a leave of absence from a job at E*Trade Securities that I hated, because of my bipolar disorder issues, I wasn’t able to act appropriately in a corporate environment. I cried at work, I missed way too many days, got angry when I was micromanaged, on and on. It was much too uptight, high stress, and just wasn’t what I wanted for myself.

After getting pushed out of my job i became extremely depressed. I was angry and scared. I felt ashamed. Thank goodness I had my husband to save me.

My dear father wanted to help. He gave me money to buy art supplies because he, my husband, and my psychiatrist thought it would be therapeutic. it was. 

I went wild! It was feeling the thrill of buying art supplies for the first time. I chose large format canvases, oil paints, linseed oil, turpentine, brushes, drop cloths. I was really excited again. I started painting. Some of it was really enjoyable. I didn’t like making all of them because they woke up feelings I needed to feel but didn’t want to. Therapy! Catharsis!

“comet cleanser” an oil painting i did in 1995. you can see the catharsis!

comet_cleanser_by_merpagigglesnort

Unfortunately, I only did that for a year. After that I made notebooks I filled with pen and ink drawings and oil pastels. i have no idea what happened to them, which is really too bad.

at one point I drew on a big pad of newsprint with sticks of charcoal. I put the pad on my old easel. I did lots of scribbling, making marks, (and making a mess!), practicing graceful curves suggesting the human body. Making big strokes and lines, drawing freely made me *feel* free.

I made and sold artisan jewelry for a couple of years after that. it kept my creative juices flowing and was a lot of fun. During this time I also did some oil painting.

one of my necklaces. i sold it to someone in australia!

tribal_choker2_by_merpagigglesnort-1

 

one of my oil paintings done during the time i was making jewelry, before i got serious about painting.downpour_by_merpagigglesnort

Now I paint with many kind of paints and inks.  I make psychedelic drawings with markers and fine liners. 

drawings:

 

paintings:

 

 

It’s still going on. I’ve learned so much! That cliche about the more you learn, the more you realize how little you know is definitely true in this case. I think it will get more and more interesting as I carry on my art journey. It is still, and always will be, a large part of the therapy I need for my mental and physical ailments.

“woman on the wind” water color

woman dancing on the wind

 

anxiety, chronic illness, chronic pain, disabled, drugs, health, illness, medical marijuana, surgery

epidural steroid injection

on thursday i am going to have my sixth epidural  steroid injection. the injection helps control the pain from the problems in my back. i have spinal stenosis which is a narrowing of the spinal column which causes some if the discs to get squashed (like my technical term?) and pinch nerves.

i have problems at L4 and L5 as well as the sacroiliac joint. my pain doctor performs the procedure.

they say “procedure” but to me it seems a lot like surgery! i have to fast, stop taking NSAIDS several days before, etc.  i go to the surgery center and change into a hospital gown, a icky  papery shower cap sort of thing to gather up my hair. they give you cool socks with treads on the bottom. i love them. i’ve quite a collection now.

two nurses come in and put you under a blanket from a warmer, oh jeez that feels good. no matter how hot it outside, it’s freezing cold in the surgery center, plus it’s just reassuring to have a warm blanket over you. they put in an iv and ask me a million questions. even though i’ve done this many times, i still feel a little scared each time.

the nurses are so very very nice. when the doctor finishes her previous case she comes in and talks to me and then they roll me into the OR which is incredibly cold. i have to roll over onto the operating table and lay on my tummy. there is a head rest, like they use during massages. they start giving me fentynal and versed–conscious sedation. you are high as a kite, so it’s almost fun. lol

i hate laying there for 45 minutes with basically nothing on, my butt just hanging out, uncovered. joy. luckily the drugs make you not care too much because i find it extremely discomforting to be nude in a room full of people. there are lots of nurses. the doctor wears a lead apron because they use a giant x-ray  machine that is mounted  on the ceiling and tilts around as they need it to. that’s how they know exactly where  to inject the cortisone…pretty important since they’re putting it in my spine. the injections hurt some going in, but after that it’s not too bad.

when they’re done i get back on the gurney, more embarrassment because the hospital gown is totally open and practically flapping around as you move. then everybody gets to see everything!  i’m sure they don’t give a shit, seen it a million times. but i do! once you’re on the gurney they immediately drown you in warm blankets. the feeling is so good, like the drugs, it’s almost worth it just for that. lol

in the recovery room they put ice packs on your back, keep you awhile for making sure your vitals are good and you’re not going to have a bad reaction or flip out or whatever.

omg i have to pee once i get out of the operating room, so that’s a priority! another time i had this surgery, the surgeon was an hour an half late so i feel asleep. i woke up  and they were rolling me into the OR and i had to pee bad, i mean really really bad. but we were practically there so i couldn’t say anything. it was horrible!  i was pretty sure i would wet myself on the table. that’s not so good for a sterile environment. thank goodness the drugs made it so i didn’t feel like i had to pee. when i got out of surgery, i didn’t have to pee badly, go figure!

you don’t stay in the recovery long and your ride comes and takes you home. you have to have someone stay with you for 24 hours. then the back pain kicks in. it’s pretty unfun for a few days. i’ve got quite a bit of various medical marijuana edibles for that time.

after that, you wait. sometimes the injections work and sometimes they don’t. it’s a crap shoot. last one keep my pain low for about 9 months! most of the others did nothing. but i’ll try anything time after and after.  the pain is very motivating.

so now i get to worry about it until 8am on thursday. 😦

i’ll be ok though, i always am. 🙂

anxiety, bipolar, chronic illness, comics, fatigue, fibromyalgia

the lie or the cold shoulder

today when i went to get my coffee the clerk asked how my day was going. i couldn’t help but answer with the truth i told him i was really really tired. he asked why and i told him, i have this disease and it makes me tired. how long have you been sick? it was clear he thought it was a cold or flu. i was embarrassed that i said it to a total stranger.  i just mumbled that i had a disease that was forever. there! i said it in public, even if i did mutter it!

it’s so hard to deal with situations like this. one option would have been to just say, oh i’m fine, thanks. that’s what i say when i’m nervous, or i’m actually doing really badly. i hate it. why does everyone have to ask. sometimes if it’s an internet person that i only know a little i say, do you want to know the truth or do you just want to hear i’m fine? i suppose that’s kind of rude, but that’s exactly how i feel. if you must ask how i am, be prepared for a lot of complaining or the cold shoulder.

sometimes i wish i didn’t have an invisible illness, that i had something you could see, or at least something people know about, but who knows anything about fibromyalgia? spinal stenosis is even worse. even fewer  people know what the hell that is. it’s not as invisible as fibro. i limp and walk with a cane. but the pain in my back and those awful flu-like symptoms of fibromyalgia don’t show, not does the awful nerve pain in my legs, not to mention the arthritis in my knees which doesn’t really affect my walking, it just hurts a lot.

i really wanted to explain fatigue to the guy i bought coffee from. of course he’d never get it, and in truth, i’d never actually say it, but it’s tempting. fatigue motherfucker, try it sometime! sometimes when i’m getting into to bed, for a nap,  or for the night, i have to sort out the covers, arrange the dog. get myself comfortable, etc. part way through all that, i’m hit with a flare of fatigue. i just fall back on the bed, none of those things done, i was just overwhelmed by frightening tiredness. sometimes i want to cry when i feel like that, but i’m too fatigued to even do that. i just laying bed for a little while and slip into sleep very easily.

i want to look fuss with my tablet and maybe even watch some Arrow, but my arms hurt too badly to hold it up. i have to sit at a table to do it. sitting up at a table or desk is hardly  comfortable with my ouchy back and hips.

i’m almost desperate to communicate. my sweet  husband is a very quiet introvert, he really doesn’t like hearing about things like my chatter when i’m nervous, or manic like right now. he’s not like my best friend; we don’t sit around and discuss problems or advice or support. his favorite thing right now is Planet Money podcasts. i shouldn’t complain, but sometimes i wish for a warmer, fuzzier partner.

i read the the first volume of Wonder Woman in the rebirth series (DC). it was really good. in terms of the art, most of it was great, showing her as the Amazon she is, tall, ready to fight at anytime. her costume is a little more stable, lol, it doesn’t look like her boobs are about to fall out at any moment and you wonder, how can she fight with a metal bustier on? she has a regular human lover! she’s been with Superman in the past, but this is intriguing and new.  the thing that i liked in every drawing of her was her hair. they (there are different issues by different artists contained in the volume i was reading.) all drew her with gorgeous flying and floating and curling hair in a great wavy, black and massive mane. i wish my hair looked like that! 🙂

abstract, anxiety, art, batman, bipolar, chronic illness, chronic pain, comics, depression, dog, drawing, drugs, fibromyalgia, insomnia, mania, medical marijuana, mental illness, oakland california

still manic, still manic, still manic

i spent my day feeling too jumped up, a lot like being on meth. yes, i know a lot about being on meth. oh boy, i’ve never said that in public before. so yeah, i wish manic was like being on coke, but unfortunately it’s like being on meth.

i ate a big dinner which i am regretting because i haven’t been eating much so i feel bloated and gross. sometimes being really hungry for a couple of days makes me feel so clean inside. no, i’m not anorexic. my moods just throw me around a lot, and i’ve got that and all the meds i take and the fibromyalgia and spinal stenosis, and a nasty childhood all contribute to making me do, and feel, and act a little strange…a lot strange…  i do things that don’t make sense some of the time. i got hooked on meth because i was so depressed and it made me feel so much better, that i kept using it. untold energy, no appetite, no need for sleep, elevated mood, euphoria. sounds like being manic, too.  ahhh and delusions of grandeur, i hope i don’t get those, but maybe i’m not bill gates.LOL

i went to the comic book store today. alex the comic book guy was there, of course he was there, it’s his shop. hehehe actually, the only day i’m sure he is working in the shop is tuesdays, so i go about every other tuesday. he’s a cutie, deep, and really smart. not to mention he’s an incredible authority on comics! i bought two issues of batman all star, the rebirth reboot. i got an issue of jessica jones, but i really didn’t like the way it looked. bummer. i still don’t have money, so that’s all i got. i went to starbucks and only got an iced tea, but a cake pop was calling my name. but i averted my eyes and asked for no sweetener in my passion tea.

it was a gorgeous spring day, first one we’ve had this year. i actually drove around with the windows down in my car. a rare thing. i like to listen to music in the car, not wind noise. i am 100% out of mmj. i scraped up every bit, i used the kief in the bottom of the grinder. i am DRY. i hope it’s nice tomorrow because i’ll be driving up to Oakland to go to my dispensary. i call it “my dispensary” as though i owned it. it’s just mine cause it’s the one i’ve chosen to give all my business to.

i saw my psychiatrist today and she thought i might be manic partly because over the last couple days it got to be full blown and that when i had little or no marijuana. we adjusted the meds to, not take ritalin (that’s a no brainer), and to take less wellbutrin because it’s activating.

i saw a woman come home and greet her dog, who had been home alone all day, and they were both so happy to see each other. that’s the kind of thing that really makes me feel good.

Ant_Hills_by_merpagigglesnort