anxiety, bipolar, depression, writing

Tid-bit of Trauma from the past

the homeowner’s association sent two men to look at the leak in the roof. i was the only one home and having strangers in the house, even when my husband was home, scared the crap out of me. rain was predicted for the following day so we HAD to have them take care of the problem right away.

by the time they got there i was already a panicky mess. they pulled up in the driveway and got out of a really ratty station wagon. i had expected a truck with a roofer’s logo and workmen in uniforms with their names embroidered over the pocket.

i ran down the stairs with a lump in my throat and let them in. they started going upstairs after muttering something. i started to hyperventilate. they carried a ladder in, opened the door to the attic, which was in the ceiling, and climbed up.

i dashed into the computer room and shut my eyes repeating “it’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok…” over and over under my breath. when i opened my eyes, a couple of minutes later, the ladder was gone!!!! the attic door was shut. their car was still in the driveway.

i heard them walking around above me, in the attic. i felt like i’d been punched in the gut. i grabbed my phone and called my huz. when he answered i was already babbling, sobbing high-pitched hysteria. he tried to calm me down, but it was hopeless. i begged him to come home. he agreed and i went and curled up in the bedroom closet.

when he finally got home he found me there with my hands over my ears. he told me they’d been on the roof all the time i thought they were in the attic. he sent them on their way and hugged me tight.


writing with nothing to write about

today I feel like writing, but I don’t have anything new or exciting to say, though. maybe i’ll just write random shit about a subject I like a lot…food!

I’m really picky, like, beyond normal picky. I think it has something with my OCD. i’ll like something one day and hate it the next. things like the size and shape of food are considered when i decide what i can eat. this is very challenging to my poor husband, who does all the cooking. I know he gets frustrated by this. so do I. I want to be able to eat predictably. it would make both of our lives easier!

I like eating with spoons, not forks. never forks! forks are for squares! who wants to stab their food when you can just shovel?? fingers are often even better! rip rather than cut. gnaw. nom nom nom!

when I was 5 months old I threw my bottle across the room and that was that! I haven’t had a straight up glass of milk since then. it’s pretty harmless seeming thing, especially the fat free stuff that I use on my cereal. when I eat cereal, I drain the milk off the spoon and eat the cereal that got wet from it. I have a hate hate relationship with dairy products. the one exception is ice cream. I can’t stop thinking that all dairy stuff is rotten. yogurt, of course, is the worst.

I eat pizza without cheese which is just kind of sad. everything falls off and it feels very dry. I miss decent, real pizza, but I’d never be able to eat the cheese. I can see things that look like they would be good, like Greek yogurt or grilled cheese, but I wouldn’t even be able smell them without choking.

I like carbs!! it’s sad but true. I like bread more than chocolate! I feel like a meal is not a real meal without a carb. when we have eggs and bacon, I feel like it’s sorely lacking without toast. we eat chili Cincinnati style (my husband grew up there). the chili goes over spaghetti with toppings like cheese or onions. that’s how it should be! carbs with everything! I know that’s not healthy, and I don’t eat that way all the time, but I loves me some carbs!

I looove fruit! I like apples, nectarines, all sorts of berries,very ripe bananas, kiwi fruit, avocados, tomatoes, grapes, pineapples, melon, mangoes, papya pears, etc.. sometimes cut up fruit with vanilla ice cream can be the best dessert ever! I worry about rottenness and thing like worms inside. cut up is safest.

nuts! I love nuts! the only kind of nuts I don’t like are those without salt!! cashews are my favorites, perfect texture. when I was a kid we always had a big wooden bowl of nuts with a nutcracker and small metal picks, at Christmas time . Brazil nuts are by far the hardest kind to get the shell off.

(switching gears…)

I had a difficult week, mainly because of hip pain. I’m getting to experience many new and exciting sensations of pain. lol! It’s like what people say about Inuit people or Finnish people having a bizzillion words for snow in their vocabularies. i, and probably all chronic pain sufferers, have a zillion different ways to describe pain.

earlier in the week I painted quite a few ATCs. I’m feeling an urge to do something bigger. just talking about painting makes me feel excited ! I tried it 3 times already today, but I’ll give it another go.

time to try to paint!!!!! (wish me luck!)


morning light

i woke up too early this morning, before 6! i could tell from the light coming in the bedroom doorway that it was early, but not stupid early. (does that sound california? i suspect a lot of what i say does.) i can tell by the color of the light what time it is. it’s not super specific, but i can get a good idea. the earlier it is, the weaker, paler, and more blue the light is. the later it is, the stronger, more bright, and more yellow it is.  today it was thin and washed out, but at least the sun was up! as soon as i woke up, despite the light, i was sure i wanted to get up; who knows why! i often feel like i ought to be in bed or that  i’m “in trouble” for being up so early if i wake up earlier than i think i should be getting up. today that wasn’t the case.

after i come downstairs i drink a lot of fizzy water. it’s almost 8am and i’ve had a liter and a half already! no wonder i have to pee constantly!

fatigue is kicking my ass today. my bra hurts (damn those under wire nightmares) and the tag on my shirt is irritating my neck. all my skin feels really sensitive. i can feel a little bit of my hair  brushing my face and it’s driving me nuts. it makes me feel panicky and angry. i’m listening to Rage Against the Machine because of that.

my pain level is fairly low, although my back was super sore before i sat with the heating pad on it for half an hour or so. now it’s more relaxed.

i hope the rest of the day is better!

i think it will because i’ve eaten (a banana, it was really good) and taken my meds, it’s time for coffee!


stress! good stuff! bad stuff!

stressful day!

i went to PT for my hand again and brought the therapist a painting i’d done. wow, she really didn’t get it! i was so uncomfortable. it reminded  me that the general public doesn’t get abstract art.  there were a lot of swirly bits in it and she thought they were letters spelling out something. *sigh* i thought i was giving her something special. meh.

i’m still waiting to hear from the doctor about the MRI results! his office closes at 4 today, so only another 1.5 hours for them to call. i left another message. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i feel super panicky! it’s my spine, dammit, i need to know!

after the disappointing physical therapy appointment i wanted to treat myself (without buying food!) so i went to a fab piercing and tattoo studio that has an incredible selection of organic jewelry. i talked to the owner about the various kinds of earrings he had (there are 100s!) (these are for stretched ears) and i decided on some. i went in there with a pocket full of cash and walked out with half of it still there! he charged me, per pair, the price i thought each earring would be!!!! he’s pierced me before and is a really cool guy. i bought a second pair since they were so much cheaper than i thought they would be!

i generally don’t like being touched, not just by strangers, but by anyone. hugs freak me out. however, i’ve found that i can give a good handshake and not feel bad. i’m proud of my handshaking abilities! hehe i stick my hand out for a shake in lots of situations, i think people might be weirded out about it. i think it’s kind of a strange thing for a woman to do. i have a very warm firm grip and i think i might be squashing people’s hands. lol  i like the piercer/tattoo artist because he has a killer handshake! he’s really big, in every direction, lol, so he’s very strong. excellent shaker!

mad props to Marcello at Wonderland piercing and tattooing studio!

i haven’t had any jewelry in my ears for over a year, so i figured they must have shrunk waaaaay down. but no! they are still big enough for 0g rings. i have to stretch them a little more for the white earrings, but i’ll do it slowly and carefully, unlike my usual attempt to do everything immediately and end up with painful yucky holes.  the green ones fit nicely, so i’ll wear them for now.

the green earrings are glass and the white ones are bone.

new earrings

gotta complain a little more! the sciatica makes me feel like there’s lightening running down my leg. gahhhhh

hope everybody is having a good (or at least decent) day! i’m trying…. 😀


going to the opera!

i’m so tired.

we’re going to the opera  today, a matinee. we’re seeing Mozart’s  The Magic Flute. it’s a late birthday gift for my   husband. i haven’t been to any kind of cultural arty event in years. i’m jpretty excited! but i worry about panic attacks and pain.

we leave in 1/2 an hour. oh god, i’m taking a couple of extra pain killers. i hope sitting in the uncomfortable seats won’t hurt too much, but i think it will. i’ll just have to do it for my husband. he deserves to do something fun.

wish me luck! hell, it might even be fun!


BIG drawing WIP

i started the drawing! it took a little while to make the design. then i drew it in pencil and inked it. i chose the colors and now for the hard part. the sharpie is just to get an idea of how big the paper is. (dimensions… 22″x30″)  thus far it’s been going really well. i hope i don’t get sick of it before i can finish it. i’m pretty into it, though. 🙂

here’s the description of the project… checkered drawing line art WIP

our water heater is busted. i had to turn the water off. i am freaking out horribly. my husband called a plumber but he hasn’t called back yet. i had to cancel the cleaning woman. they usually come on fridays. she was very nice about it. i know it totally messes up their day.



taking care of my health

i slept so well on our new bed last night! it’s such a change; a couple of years ago i was manic and sleeping about two hours at night, maybe one or two during the day. day after day after day. i had such cold lonely mornings before the sun came up, know that my husband and dog were soundly asleep. ANYWAY now i rarely wake up earlier than 7 (going to bed at midnight). i’m grateful for it.

my husband told me the truth i didn’t want to hear, i got mad, i panicked, and then i decided to open up my mind a little bit. i’ve had all these aches and pains, bursitis, arthritis blah blah blah. i kept going to the doctor and they didn’t find anything. my husband made me realize that since i sit at my desk all day everyday, hunched over a keyboard or painting 10 hours a day was ruining my body. i kept myself from getting any better by going  down the stairs very slowly and carefully. i did everything like i was made of glass because i hurt so much.  i rarely left the house. ha! i rarely left the room i make art in.

he said, it’s all on you, you’re the only one that can turn it around. i huddled in bed on monday, crying.

then he suggested a plan of what i could do. stretching. my muscles are tight and gnarled up. so, yesterday i watched a couple yoga videos on youtube and stuff about stretching if you’re sore. it was hard to start at first but when i realized it helped a bit, i started doing stretches frequently. i can tell how short and tight the muscles are, but wow it feels good to be able to move around more! i get up from my desk and walk around the house every 15 minutes or so. it’s like my body is thawing out.

this makes me see that my depression is still going strong. has been all this time. i guess i knew that. maybe this will help. i’ll still suffer chronic pain, but it doesn’t have to be crippling.

i worry that this will only last a couple of days, i hope it’s not mania. all i want to do is relax. i don’t even know what it’s like to relax. people always say they spent the weekend “relaxing at home” or whatever. i don’t relax even after i’ve taken my klonopin, not in my sleep, not after a long session of crying.

i can’t do a yoga class because it’s too hard to leave the house, let alone be around a bunch of people. but i think i can learn a lot at home.

i’m tempted to go the chiropractor because part of the treatment is a sports massage. omg it hurts but that’s definitely the closest i’ve gotten to relaxing!

it’s scary to take responsibility for keeping your body well.


gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what a crappy friday!

what a shitty day i’ve had today!

i went to the orthopedic surgeon to get an injection in my hip for the bursitis. woo woo. it wasn’t too bad. it was about the same as the knees and a lot easier than in the fingers. it sucked, but it wasn’t scary. my silly doctor winked at me. wtf? she’s younger than me, i’m sure. what a dork. lol

when i came home i collapsed on the couch and stayed most of the day because my hip hurt so much. i usually have a lot of trouble with the needle trauma after injections into joints and have a really painful couple of days before it starts working. i hung out on the couch doodling in my journal.

i decided to treat myself and get delivery chinese food. when i was ordering it, i realized that my debit card wasn’t in my wallet. i looked everywhere, even went back to the doctor’s office limp limp limping. no luck. i think i remember when i might have dropped it and that was in the clinic. i had to cancel the mofo card.  what a lot of stress!

what is am i supposed to do during the FIVE  to TEN business days until the new one gets  here?!

gasp, maybe i’ll have to go to the actual bank and get cash? i haven’t been in a bank in years.

so now i have a painful hip and no money. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh