abstract, art, art block, black and white, drawing, food, Japanese food, pen and ink

I painted today!

It was fun! I haven’t wanted to do it much for ages. Even this morning I got a lump in my throat because i felt so strongly that I didn’t want to create anything. I wanted to want to. Art blocks are so scary, what if I never want to paint again???

But this afternoon I was bored and painting almost sounded good. I rushed to the table and got out acrylics and my last small canvas, 12″x12″ I made something colorful, textured and detailed. There are more details to add, which is good. yay! It was great.😋

It’s Friday night. Ramen night, real Japanese ramen. Exquisite broth, a few different kinds. The noodles are lovely and there are nice veggies. We are going to try a new place, new to us, lol. Huzzy will be home soon! Almost time for yummy food!

doodle_with_creatures_by_ruthcouldbe-d5jsjwx

Doodle.

abstract, anxiety, art, bipolar, black and white, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, drawing, fibromyalgia, glasses, mania, medical marijuana, mental illness, optometrist, pen and ink

bipolar and fibromyalgia are kicking my ass

i’m feeling glum today. down, blue, bummed, out of sorts.  i want to write and i get up and down from my desk and start to write and delete it.

so this is bipolar. i’m manic; but right this moment i’m feeling depressed. i’ll get back to feeling manic again. i spent all my money on a LOT of stuff, i just bought anything i wanted. ugh. now i’m left with a whole lot of things, a  zillion of them and no money for anything else. typical mania. i’m hardly sleeping. i ate a huge dinner last night when of my husband’s friend came over, she’s Chinese, so she cooked real Chinese food for us. it was wonderful. but other than that, i’m not eating much.

being manic is a lot better than depressed, in my opinion. if mania lasts too long it can lead to big problems. i’ve been manic for about three weeks, it’s very low grade but can flare up or fall back into depression easily.  it’s good for weight loss! mmj helps a lot, kind of evens me out, gently. it lifts my mood and dampens my constant pain. yay cannabis!

my new glasses are coming today! i’m so excited about being able to see at last. for the longest time eye doctors kept telling me that my prescription hadn’t changed, but i knew it had. finally it’s gotten so bad that the doctor was shocked there was such difference. duh! so hopefully these new glasses will be like new eyes! maybe i’ll be able to drive at night again. that would be really nice.

i am so incredibly cold. i’ve have gotten so much colder since i got fibromyalgia. right now i hurt because i’m cold. putting on lots of extra clothes doesn’t really cut it. it’s from the inside out. i want gloves. spring can be as cold as winter here i want to go get coffee, but i can’t get myself to leave the house. 😦 that’s a product of both bipolar and chronic illness. imagine never ever feeling safe, not safe in your body and not safe in the outside world. maybe it’s anxiety, which seems to go along with bipolar or depression, or on it’s own.

maybe it’s agoraphobia, i suffered from that for a few years. it got to the point that i could only be in one room of the house, the computer/art room. i stayed there all the time, except for sleeping, at night i could go to the bedroom. we even ate our meals in there. my husband was so kind and thoughtful. he takes everything in stride. we’ve had hard times, what  marriages don’t? but he’s a good one, no doubt about it!

compartmentalise