anxiety, art, bipolar, chronic illness, chronic pain, comics, depression, fatigue, fibromyalgia, illness, medical marijuana, medicine, mental illness, Movies, spinal stenosis, writing

the state of my mind this week 2

i think it’s been longer than a week since i wrote about the state of my mind. as usual, no one mood can last for long. bipolar is a bitch. if there’s a theme, like in this case, it was the procedure, i moaned and groaned , as you who read this blog will know..

i stayed up most of the night before the because i was so anxious. the middle of the night is the worst.

i woke peter up an hour before he had to take me to the doctor for the injections. i thought he should hang out with me because i was so worried. good grief! who wants to hang out with someone in that state! peter took good care of me the all through the aftermath.. he brought me everything i needed, cooked foods i love and often came down from where he was gaming, and later was sleeping, to it visit me on the couch.

for this set of injections i decided to use the newish Synvisk One. the reaction to injections is the kind of pain i’ve been going through. since it is too horrible to go through it 3 weeks (it takes quite a while to recover from one) i was so worried the pain would be the with 6ml, the whole dose from the small shots, at once. would it it be 3 worse? would the recover be 3x as badly. i couldn’t imagine that.

the shots were bad, though not 3x as bad! the needle getting to the joint with the needle was the same, really effing bad. the difference was that there was so much medicine and it was so thick she had to push it slowly into the center of the joint. she got me talking about me losing a lot of weight which is a great way to distract me. i did a lot of deep breathing while i was waiting because there were two giant needles full of something that looked solid.

long story short, all of that went ok. huzzy took me home and i ate a 200mg THC medical marijuana edible. it did exactly what i wanted to happen. i was asleep all day, until the huz woke me up for dinner, but i didn’t eat (unless you call eating another pot snack) and was in and out til bedtime. i slept on the couch for two days because getting upstairs to the bedroom was impossible.and i needed to be able to be near music and tv , art supplies and comic books and medical marijuana thing i could possibly want, down stairs!

i continued with the edibles. the pain was so powerful that i never got remotely high. i took some cannabis oil, a oral dose, and then i smoked a joint. i got through it without screaming or going to the hospital or making my husband want to divorce me! i took more edibles and then some capsules that act like an edible. that’s pretty amazing! the large doses of edibles, etc, kept the pain low enough to avoid the fentenyl and dilaudid i got at the hospital. the last three times scared badly. this time when the pain was at it’s worst i cried out loud and held my husbands hand hard.

i got these shots for years and never had much pain, some, but nothing like
this time. the last 2 times the terrible pain happened again but i had no idea why. later i asked the surgeon and she was very cavalier about it, and said different people had them like i was before the medicine started making me want to die during the recovery period.

before i scheduled these injections, one in each knee, i wanted to find out more, like if i got something nobody else got, or is there a quickfix?
i checked out a couple of arthritis forums. when i looked for “Synvisk side effects” bingo! there were pages of people saying they got my same horrible reactions i did. many of the people who posted said a few days of helll, then no arthris pain for a year.

i think i’m doing pretty well today, because…..!!!!!!

!!!!!!!…….because i got to see Wonder Woman. i’ve been waiting and waiting. it kicked ass! the heroine was fantastic. so were the other actors and actresses. this one was well done enough that it was easy to lose all track of reality. it depends entirely on the director to make this work. they did it right this time. diana is the kind of warrior who cares so much so that ….oops i almost gave something away! better stop there!

i’ve been very into painting with watercolors. i paint a couple times a day and a doodle all the time. i’m wearing gloves to preserve my manicure. vanity!
of a gel medicine that acts as a cushion between the bones where cartilage used to be (it’s gone or part way gone when you have pain).

for this set of injections i decided to use the newish Synvisk One. the reaction to it is too horrible to go through it 3 weeks (it takes quite a while to recover from one) i was so worried the pain would be the with 6ml, the whole dose from the small shots, at once. would it it be 3 worse? would the recover be 3x as badly. i couldn’t imagine that. the shot

the shots were bad, though not 3x as bad! the needle getting to the joint with the needle was the same, really effing bad. the difference was that there was so much medicine and it was so thick she had to push it slowly into the center of the joint. she got me talking about me losing a lot of weight which is a great way to distract me. i did a lot of deep breathing while i was waiting because there were two giant needles full of something that looked solid.

long story short, all of that went ok. huzzy took me home and i ate a 200mg mmj edible. it did exactly what i wanted to happen. i was asleep all day, until the huz woke me up for dinner, but i didn’t eat (unless you call eating another pot snack and was in and out til bedtime. i slept on the couch for two days because getting upstairs to the bedroom was impossible. needed to be able to be near music and tv , art supplies and comic books and medical marijuana thing i could possibly want.

i continued with the edibles. the pain was so powerful that i never got remotely high. i took some cannabis oil, a oral dose, and then i smoked a joint. i got through it without screaming or going to the hospital or making my husband want to divorce me! i took more edibles and then some capsules that act like an edible. that’s pretty amazingz! the large doses of edibles, etc, kept the pain low enough to avoid the fentenyl and dilaudid the hospital. but i really needed it, i was scared.

i got these shots for years and never had much pain, some, but nothing like this, the last 2 times it happened i had no idea why. later i asked the surgeon and she was very cavalier about it, and said different people had them like i was before the medicine started making me want to die during the recovery period. i think i’m doing pretty well today, because…..!!!!!!

!!!!!!!…….because i got to see Wonder Woman. i’ve been waiting and waiting. it kicked ass! the heroine was fantastic. so were the other actors and actresses. this one was well done enough that it was easy to lose all track of reality. that’s one of my personally are movies and tv that are unreal, meant to be unreal, but everything else is realistic. it depends entirely on the director to make this work. they did it right this time. diana is the kind of warrior who cares so much so that ….oops i almost gave something away! better stop there!

blogging, chronic illness, comics, depression, diabetes, disabled, drugs, fibromyalgia, h.r. giger, illness, medicine, Movies, spinal stenosis

update on the state of my mind

i heard an audioslave song, one of my favorites, on a grunge station and i choked up, got tears in my eyes. i keep wondering what chris cornell was thinking during that time between the show, alone in his hotel room, to hanging himself. what pushed him over the edge? all these years i’ve seen interviews with  him and he always seemed so thoughtful and intelligent. i have depression too (i’m bipolar), so i can imagine those feelings pretty clearly. i understand being able to play a show without anyone knowing that you’re feeling like you just can’t make it anymore. (not that i’ve ever played a rock show in front of thousands, but i have had to put an “i’m normal and happy” face when i had to. he had to a lot.  i know you can hide even the worst feelings.  i feel for him so bad. i wish i could have talked to him in that time between the show and his suicide. i don’t know if i could have helped at all, but it seems like if there had been someone there, who got how he felt, it might have gone differently. although, someone who wants to die enough to actually do it, will do it sometime, no matter what you do. i just wish and wish and wish it hadn’t happened. i try to hear it in his voice, when he sings, and i think i might.

i’ve had a lot of pain these past few days. it’s my back i think. that and my knees. the injections in my knees have worn off. you’re usually supposed to get the injections twice a year. you get them in your knee joint (or in this case knees).  you take them in three set sets, both knees each week for three consecutive weeks.

the last time i got them was a year and a half ago. i was having problems with my legs because of my spinal stenosis. at first they thought it was diabetic (yup, got that too) neuropathy, but then decided my symptoms didn’t fit. i was also seeing many doctors on the way to being diagnosed with fibromyalgia. in the middle of all of this, i got two sets of the arthritis injections (the medicine is called Synvisc) and each time my legs became incredibly painful. i figured it was the shots, since it happened each time i got them. i refused the third set (but it still worked for all that time!).  the pain was insane. the second time i ended up screaming and going to the hospital in an ambulance. the EMT gave me iv fentanyl . the pain was still intense, but it made me stop screaming. at the hospital they gave me a couple of shot of dilaudid and that did the trick. they sent me home and the pain went down a lot, but was still feeling too bad to function. it was like that for several days. i don’t know how i got up the stairs but i didn’t go down for 3 days. the staircase was impossible. sitting down on the toilet made me cry out from having to bend my legs.

so! it’s time for synvisc again and i’m fucking terrified. but the knee pain it too bad to live with forever, or even much longer now. i have to try sometime! eep. gasp. panic.

i’m doing something that might be smart, or it might be stupid as hell. i’m getting the one shot synvisc injection. you get all three sets in one injection. it’s 3x as much medicine as i’ve been getting spread over three weeks. the doctor says things like, there will be a great deal of pressure. and the nurse says, the reason not very many people get the synvisc one is because of the pain.

the medicine is thick and the surgeon puts a hypodermic needle that seems like it’s a foot long into the center of your knee joint. it hurts. a lot. but i could deal with it, i’ve been through a lot of pain over the years, so i was ok. but i’m scared about this one. will it be three times worse? i can’t imagine that. the only anesthetic they use is lidocane on the skin where the needle goes in. it doesn’t do shit and it hurts like hell when she puts it on, burning cold. beyond that, and more importantly, than that is the aftermath. will it be 3x worse? i can’t imagine that either.

i decided have the one time shot so that i wouldn’t have to go through the pain afterwards 3x. fear fear fear.  i have a lot of trouble with mental pain, but physical pain is usually something i feel very brave about. but this time is scary.

my tablet died. i finished orange is the new black and it was sooooooo super good. i can’t wait for the upcoming season. my new show is breaking bad. i missed it when it was so popular and i hear so many people say they loved it, i have to watch it. i want to watch better call saul, too, so i thought i’d better watch breaking bad first. i’m reading a superman comic called “secret identity.” it’s a little different than a superman comic we’re all familiar with. it starts with a kid whose parents’ last name was kent. they thought it would be a laugh riot to name him clark.  he’s the laughing stock of the town. but things change. i’ve only read the first couple of issues within the trade paperback. but already he’s developing superpowers that he keeps as a closely guarded secret, hence the title.

i saw Aliens: Covenant yesterday. a lot of the movies at my favorite theater play before noon. all of the movies before noon are half price! so i saw it at 11:30am. it wasn’t very  good. but that’s not to say i didn’t enjoy it. there were some jump out of your seat moments,  and some interesting new additions, but a lot of it was the same thing i’ve seen in all the aliens movies. people see pods and get right over them and look in, well surprise! an alien jumps out and plasters itself to their face. that never happens in an aliens movie! there were running down tunnels or hallways that are sealed and the person running gets locked in with the monster.  that’s an old aliens favorite. it was fun to watch, especially if you’re a die hard aliens fan, like me. one of the things that bothers me the most is that there isn’t any Giger art. i know why, he always battled makers of aliens, maybe ridley scott, or who knows else, used his art for almost nothing and i think they even used things of his after he left the job because they were screwing him over. (this might be quite flawed, but i saw a documentary about giger and that’s what i remember.) i know he was very bitter about it. in this film there were a couple of piles of drawings that you see that look or are giger’s work, but there are vast areas of things like columns with nothing on them when i can imagine them covered with carved giger art.

that’s about it for now, but i think that’s more than enough!

bye!

 

anxiety, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, disabled, dogs, fatigue, fibromyalgia, medical marijuana, Movies, stress relief

taking a hard fall

the huz and i went to Beauty and the Beast. it was all about dresses and dancing. it was visually fantastic, but that’s about all it did for me.

as i was coming in the house i tripped on the first  step into the living room i tripped and feel on my face. the mega huge soda that i refilled when we leaving the theater and went flying all over the room. i hit the floor with my hip and hand. now i have a sore wrist, a really sore hip, and a sticky floor. the floor is wood, which made the fall delightfully hard. grrr! gahhh! hopefully it was no more than some soreness. i fear this might bring on a flare (just like any kind flare up is like other kinds of flare ups, but in this case, the flare is increased pain) of my fibromyalgia symptoms.

i may spend the evening in bed or maybe one of my prescription NSAIDs. they help quite a bit. ice packs and heating pads will feel good and my pjs and of course, Mackie.

remember those adidas sandals i was stoked about?  i left them together and after the cleaners  came, there was only one. i hardly think they stole it. what would they do with it? lol i trust them anyway. i have looked and looked looked for it and can’t find it. sometimes they put things in odd places that i’d never think to look in or take it away with all their bags of stuff. now what, right? i suppose buy them again, but it just makes me want to scream. the huz will look. he’s good at finding things.

i guess i’ll just smoke a lot of medicine. of course that makes me worry about running out because i  think i really am going to. that’s only happened once before.

so the day sucked. the evening hasn’t happened yet, it might get better.

chronic illness, diabetes, disabled, fatigue, fibromyalgia, stress relief

self care for the chronically ill

as you know i am chronically ill and i n chronic pain, and  because of that there are lot of things that are harder to do as it is for people who are healthy. i get tired easily, things like standing and bending over, are really painful. i spend a lot of time sleeping and resting because i don’t feel good. because of fatigue it seems impossible to take care of your body.

for a very long time i didn’t do much of any self care. my body was getting dried and ashy.because my diabetes, my feet were awful. the skin on my face needs a lot of  help. my hands were stained with paint and other art supplies. i have psoriasis in visible spots like my elbows. it’s gross and itches and hurts. i have cream for it that works really well by i wasn’t put it on there and all the other places i have the skin problems. i change tense here because things are under control, some haven’t started yet, some are i n process, etc.

i saw my rheumatologist yesterday, for my three month check in. we were talking and he told me how well i was doing. he made a list on the computer and turned the monitor towards me. he typed all the daily self care things i had to do, it was a lot. really a whole lot. the only thing i wasn’t doing was exercise. heh. t he doctor is a gem. he’s cute, too!

i got a pedicure! i ordered some products, which inspires me to practice self care. i got salt hand scrub. kiwi sugar cube scrub for the body in the show. lip exfoliation. mask (two kinds), cinnamon tooth paste (i hate mint and this is the only flavor i  i’ve been able to find that wasn’t mint), facial moisturizer, body lotion, under anti aging creme, and gentle facial cleanser.  (i didn’t buy that all at once!) it’s really fun to buy new products and start a skin care routine. i learned a lot from reading @flzmrtnz ‘s blog post about her skin care routine. check it out  https://flzmrtnz.wordpress.com/2017/03/03/my-skincare-routine-tips/

the rheumatologist was kind of blown away by the amount of weight i’d lost since the last time i saw him, 3 months ago. it’s 40lbs! i keep having to buying new clothes. i just buy jeans once in awhile. lol. now *that’s* self care. i used to binge and i stopped and i just stopped eating so much!

exercise would be self care, but i hurt too much. i try take my dog on little bitty walks. my pain doctor told me to join a gym. i almost laughed. she she sees that i walk with a cane! she also took me off my prescription NSAID, which is awful because it’s so much painful without it. the rheumatologist gave me a different prescription NSAID and i’m feeling better already.

thanks for reading! if you have any questions about any of this, let me know, i’m happy to talk about my illnesses and anything related.

 

anxiety, chronic pain, comics, diagnosis, disabled, Uncategorized

trials and tribulations

i wish i was more active on here. i rarely use my pc and i think wordpress has given up on their mobile app. so, i can’t do much on here. at the moment i feel shitty but i have time to kill, like time i really need to kill and i got a notification that my site was having a lot of activity. whatever! so, those two things led me upstairs to the PC.

i now have Achilles’s tendonitis and i have to wear the dreaded boot…

punisher-boot

as you can see there are two patches with the Punisher (a comic book character) patches. he’s one of my favorites. it’s the strangest, i mean strange, thing ever! my husband shops for little electronic components on AliExpress (chinese version of amazon, super cheap and super unreliable.). we get little tiny packages from china all the time. we got one, right after i got the boot, and these patches arrived in one of those packages. it’s one of my favorite characters and i just so happened to have something to put two velcro patches on. we just keep saying, but but what? how? wtf???? so i call it the punisher boot. i have two punisher t-shirts, so i’m super stylin’ now.

the ankle was sore for six months and i thought it was just pain from my fibromyalgia so i didn’t go to the doctor until walking was almost too much, even with my cane. the podiatrist said there was a big lump on the tendon and my ankle was very swollen. i have to wear the boot “indefinitely.”i have to go t0 12 sessions of physical therapy.

i also have a sinus infection! i had two of the most epically  bad nights last week. i felt like i was having extreme cold and hot flashes. i was panicking because it was so painful when cold(that’s because of the fibromyalgia) and then i was intensely uncomfortable when i was too hot. it was worse than nights with stomach flu or coughing all night.

i had a hysterectomy years ago and have been on hormone replacement therapy, so usually hot flashes aren’t too bad and i’ve never had cold flashes except when i get very low blood sugar (i’m diabetic), but i kept checking my sugars and they were fine. i was convinced it was crazy hormones.

finally i went to urgent care and after a two hour wait i saw a doctor who said that it was a sign that i was getting a bad infection. since my nose and eyes were runny and i’d had a couple of bad headaches she said it was a sinus infection. she gave me antibiotics which worked wonders! no more hellish nights and they caught the infection  almost immediately. i had a stuffy nose and sore lungs for two days and now i’m fine! i’ve got a lot more antibiotics and you can bet i’m going to finish them.

this isn’t what i expected to write, but i guess i didn’t know what i was going to write! it works best for me to just jump in.

diagnosis, disabled, illness, Uncategorized, writing

journey to a diagnosis, part 1

two years ago i started a journey that i’m still on. it began with a pain my  left hip. i went to my GP and she said the problem was bursitis and that my  orthopedic surgeon. should give me a cortisone shot. when i when i went the surgeon she said it wasn’t bursitis and so she wouldn’t give me the shot. i was starting to get frustrated because as it went on, the pain in my leg (it was starting to spread)  was really getting to be a problem in moving around.i started wearing compression bandages on anything that hurt. i still do that. i also wear ankle braces and compression socks. i wear compression gloves for the pain in my hands.

my hands hurt because i had four surgeries on them, some a bit unusual, for i had trigger finger in all ten fingers. highly unusual. the doctor said it was genetic (my father had it in one finger as did his brother and one of his sisters. the other reason is because i’m diabetic. the surgeries were years ago but my hands will never be the same. they swell regulary and hurt like hell. i think the surgeon was  too quick to to do the huge surgeries. but whatcha gonna do? i put ice on them all the time.g

the orthopedic surgeon sent me back to my GP who then said it was sciatica. i almost cried. she then sent me to a pain doctor. i was glad because i thought i knew what it was. was.the GP sent me to a  pain doctor. he told me to have an  MRI to see if anything is going on with my spine. he found that i have spinal stenosis. L4 and L5 were pinching the nerves, which caused the pain in my leg and my low back . my pelvis and hips hurt deep inside. they found that i had arthritis in my pelvis as we in several  parts of my spine, not to mention the severe arthritis that i have in my knees. the knees get synvisk injections 2 times a year. they help a lot.

the pain doctor prescribed medicine that would help. the pain was spreading to my whole body.he gave me a big dose of gabbapentin, cymbalta, a strong NSAID called Sulindac and norco. they helped a lot,  but not nearly enough. he decided a procedure would help. i had an epidural steroid injection in  L5.

the clinic i go to for all my doctor, built a surgery center right next to the clinic. my procedure was only a couple of months after they’d opened. it was lovely! they put me in a room for prepping me for the procedure. the nurses were so nice. there  were three of them fussing over me. it actually  was really nice. i felt well taken care of. after kind of a  long wait they wheeled me into the operating room. i layed on my stomach on the operating table. it was a conscious sedation but you could have fooled me because i was close to being unconscious. they were giving me iv versed and fentanyl. that part  was  great! lol i could feel the doctor giving me little local anesthetic around the area he was going to go in with the needle. i didn’t feel much of anything other than my legs my legs went kind of numb and jumpy. when he finished i was taken to post op where i was given after care   instructions and got dressed. it didn’t help at all.

i’ll going to stop here because it’s a very long story. i meant for these sections of the story into approximately 500 words. i went over quite a bit this time!

stay tuned for the second installment!!

corgi, dachshund, dog, pets, Uncategorized

Sick Puppy

My best friend, Mackie, the dorgi is sick. (A dorgi is a breed which is 1/2 corgi and 1/2 dachshund. CUTE!!!)

I noticed a lump on the side of his snoot about 2 weeks ago. I was going to take him to the vet, but the lump got much smaller and he was acting as usual.I was really worried because it came back. That was Saturday.

He really was feeling bad, it was obvious.

wp-1474897083766.jpgthe doctor said that the lump was an abscess and he has some broken teeth! Poor Mackie!

He’s having surgery on Friday. The vet said his mouth would just be achey. Ha! He was subdued, sluggish. He was obviously in pain. He rested his snoot on soft things like pillows, blankets, the couch. In the picture above the beige blanket has a heating pad underneath it. I think it eased the pain. It works for my pain.

He seems so-so today. When I came back from getting coffee, he was awake and going nuts for his breakfast. That was a good sign. I let him eat his kibbles , he chewed on one side.

I’m going to call the vet for pain meds.

Hopefully that will help and I can relax.i’m so stressed! My fur baby is hurting!

EDIT: I got antibiotics and NSAID pills. I stuffed the pills into a strawberry and he ate them right up. I think he’s feeling more relaxed. Yay!