anxiety, bipolar, comics, depression, diabetes

Social anxiety and more

It’s time for a chatty blog about my life and thoughts. This sounds funny but I’m trying to reach myself to type with both of my thumbs. if I was 30 years younger I would be very good at it!  

I’m having a lot of trouble with my health insurance. They say my psychiatrist is out of network, though they,’ve counted her as in network for over a decade. so they are charging me full price for a whole lot of visits. They say I owe $3,500! The doctor is having her assistant work on it and my husband has done a lot of work on it and so have i.

I see my therapist tomorrow. Yay!

I have been in an especially large amount of pain. My medical marijuana has been extremely helpful, it always is!

These days I’ve been smoking pre rolled joints. It’s an expensive way to take my medicine. I’m taking the capsules sometimes; depending how how I feel.

I used to hate smoking, because of my mother who smoked 2-3 packs a day for 50 years. I didn’t smoke pot until I met my husband who wasn’t a stoner, (it makes laugh to think of it) but smoked a lot of weed. That was the beginning of my stoned life. It was 1994.

Losing weight is still on a plateau, but that’s ok because I’m maintaining at my best weight. My fingers got small enough for me to wear my wedding ring set. yay!

 

Depression depression depression.

Pain pain pain

Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety

 

I got new phone, thanks dad! I bought the LG 6G, unlocked. it’s_ lovely. My old one died the very same day.

I suspect I’ll be up late tonight. I wanna watch Deadpool. This afternoon I sort of watched it…I saw the very beginning and the very end. I slept through pretty much all of it. Doh! I’m glad I didn’t see it in the theater! I’m going to give it another chance tonight.

I haven’t been to the comic book store in a couple of months. I used go every Tuesday to talk to the owner who works there sometimes. We became friends because I often came into the store, buying lots and lots of comics for a couple years. He suggested so many great books for me to read and introduced me to his favorite author, who soon became my favorite, too. Scott Snyder has written books that are favorites of both of ours.

I stopped going there because once I went there when I was very depressed and was barely holding it together. A couple tears escaped and I walked out without saying goodbye. I promised myself that I wouldn’t go see him anymore. I guess I felt ashamed. I was punishing both of us because of my mental illness. He knew about it and was very understanding.

I let myself go there today, partly because I really wanted to see him and I just want to hang out in the store. All those comics, perfectly organized. It was also was because after I thought my decision to never go back was kind of over the top and silly, I guess.

Maybe it wasn’t so silly after all. Today he was glad to see me and didn’t asked where I’d been. It was thoughtful. But my social anxiety kicked in and instead of being able to see him and have a nice talk, I froze. I couldn’t say a thing. I bought something and left. I cried on the way home.

It makes me cringe. I feel like a coward ditching one of my real life friends, someone really that was so good to talk to is ironic that it’s ending because I can’t talk. I’m going to try not to go there anymore. Or should I go back and be honest? I dunno. It really made me feel shitty since I was hoping it would cheer me up.

I went to group today. It was good, which is a strange thing to say since 2 people decided they would check themselves into a mental hospital.

My diabetes still isn’t under control, which is causing me a great of stress. I’m not eating g badly. I just have trouble taking my shots, I forget and sometimes i just don’t take it. I’m not sure why.

A lot of things in my life are areas that I’m not sure about and that sucks.

Ending on a lighter note, for years u thought it would be awesome if you could go to the store and but a pack of joints. In this case the dispensary is the store but with that in mind,my fantasy came true!

Good morning!

20170717_093448

 

 

blogging, chronic illness, comics, depression, diabetes, disabled, drugs, fibromyalgia, h.r. giger, illness, medicine, Movies, spinal stenosis

update on the state of my mind

i heard an audioslave song, one of my favorites, on a grunge station and i choked up, got tears in my eyes. i keep wondering what chris cornell was thinking during that time between the show, alone in his hotel room, to hanging himself. what pushed him over the edge? all these years i’ve seen interviews with  him and he always seemed so thoughtful and intelligent. i have depression too (i’m bipolar), so i can imagine those feelings pretty clearly. i understand being able to play a show without anyone knowing that you’re feeling like you just can’t make it anymore. (not that i’ve ever played a rock show in front of thousands, but i have had to put an “i’m normal and happy” face when i had to. he had to a lot.  i know you can hide even the worst feelings.  i feel for him so bad. i wish i could have talked to him in that time between the show and his suicide. i don’t know if i could have helped at all, but it seems like if there had been someone there, who got how he felt, it might have gone differently. although, someone who wants to die enough to actually do it, will do it sometime, no matter what you do. i just wish and wish and wish it hadn’t happened. i try to hear it in his voice, when he sings, and i think i might.

i’ve had a lot of pain these past few days. it’s my back i think. that and my knees. the injections in my knees have worn off. you’re usually supposed to get the injections twice a year. you get them in your knee joint (or in this case knees).  you take them in three set sets, both knees each week for three consecutive weeks.

the last time i got them was a year and a half ago. i was having problems with my legs because of my spinal stenosis. at first they thought it was diabetic (yup, got that too) neuropathy, but then decided my symptoms didn’t fit. i was also seeing many doctors on the way to being diagnosed with fibromyalgia. in the middle of all of this, i got two sets of the arthritis injections (the medicine is called Synvisc) and each time my legs became incredibly painful. i figured it was the shots, since it happened each time i got them. i refused the third set (but it still worked for all that time!).  the pain was insane. the second time i ended up screaming and going to the hospital in an ambulance. the EMT gave me iv fentanyl . the pain was still intense, but it made me stop screaming. at the hospital they gave me a couple of shot of dilaudid and that did the trick. they sent me home and the pain went down a lot, but was still feeling too bad to function. it was like that for several days. i don’t know how i got up the stairs but i didn’t go down for 3 days. the staircase was impossible. sitting down on the toilet made me cry out from having to bend my legs.

so! it’s time for synvisc again and i’m fucking terrified. but the knee pain it too bad to live with forever, or even much longer now. i have to try sometime! eep. gasp. panic.

i’m doing something that might be smart, or it might be stupid as hell. i’m getting the one shot synvisc injection. you get all three sets in one injection. it’s 3x as much medicine as i’ve been getting spread over three weeks. the doctor says things like, there will be a great deal of pressure. and the nurse says, the reason not very many people get the synvisc one is because of the pain.

the medicine is thick and the surgeon puts a hypodermic needle that seems like it’s a foot long into the center of your knee joint. it hurts. a lot. but i could deal with it, i’ve been through a lot of pain over the years, so i was ok. but i’m scared about this one. will it be three times worse? i can’t imagine that. the only anesthetic they use is lidocane on the skin where the needle goes in. it doesn’t do shit and it hurts like hell when she puts it on, burning cold. beyond that, and more importantly, than that is the aftermath. will it be 3x worse? i can’t imagine that either.

i decided have the one time shot so that i wouldn’t have to go through the pain afterwards 3x. fear fear fear.  i have a lot of trouble with mental pain, but physical pain is usually something i feel very brave about. but this time is scary.

my tablet died. i finished orange is the new black and it was sooooooo super good. i can’t wait for the upcoming season. my new show is breaking bad. i missed it when it was so popular and i hear so many people say they loved it, i have to watch it. i want to watch better call saul, too, so i thought i’d better watch breaking bad first. i’m reading a superman comic called “secret identity.” it’s a little different than a superman comic we’re all familiar with. it starts with a kid whose parents’ last name was kent. they thought it would be a laugh riot to name him clark.  he’s the laughing stock of the town. but things change. i’ve only read the first couple of issues within the trade paperback. but already he’s developing superpowers that he keeps as a closely guarded secret, hence the title.

i saw Aliens: Covenant yesterday. a lot of the movies at my favorite theater play before noon. all of the movies before noon are half price! so i saw it at 11:30am. it wasn’t very  good. but that’s not to say i didn’t enjoy it. there were some jump out of your seat moments,  and some interesting new additions, but a lot of it was the same thing i’ve seen in all the aliens movies. people see pods and get right over them and look in, well surprise! an alien jumps out and plasters itself to their face. that never happens in an aliens movie! there were running down tunnels or hallways that are sealed and the person running gets locked in with the monster.  that’s an old aliens favorite. it was fun to watch, especially if you’re a die hard aliens fan, like me. one of the things that bothers me the most is that there isn’t any Giger art. i know why, he always battled makers of aliens, maybe ridley scott, or who knows else, used his art for almost nothing and i think they even used things of his after he left the job because they were screwing him over. (this might be quite flawed, but i saw a documentary about giger and that’s what i remember.) i know he was very bitter about it. in this film there were a couple of piles of drawings that you see that look or are giger’s work, but there are vast areas of things like columns with nothing on them when i can imagine them covered with carved giger art.

that’s about it for now, but i think that’s more than enough!

bye!

 

bipolar, child abuse, depression, mental illness, writing

no more wire hangers!

day before yesterday, i got a card in the mail from my mother. it shook me to the bone. i haven’t had any communication in with her in 10 years, my choice. she was abusive, cruel,  a chronic liar, bipolar (not something to judge about, it’s just that i am too, and a combo of a bipolar parent raising a bipolar child is a disaster), OCD (same as bipolar no judgement on OCD, i have it too), a child of an abuser, alcoholic (me too), full of rage that came out all the time, and just plain mean.

as an adult i realized a lot of what i believed my whole life were lies. my mother told me that my dad still loved her (they divorced when i was 15) and that he told her he wanted he told me he hated her and felt like an abused spouse, and said they could have worked it out. what was i supposed to think of that??

then my father told me that my mother cheated consistently throughout their marriage and threw it in his face. i have always loved my father and wanted to be just like him when i grew up. when i found about that, i grieved for my father’s suffering. he’s a quiet, gentle man (he swears a lot though.  lol) how could i have not known? i lived with them both in a pretty suburban neighborhood. you could see the playground at my grade school from our house.  i thought we were the perfect family, honestly! i disassociated virtually everything about my mother, my father was great when he was around. our house was nice, my father was a university history professor and my mother taught at a high school.

i was confused my whole childhood and early adult years because neither my father nor i came clean about our life with her. she treated me nicely in front of him and they had raging fights that they hid from me.  she often said to me, we have such a great relationship, don’t we?! by the time of the divorce i knew things were seriously fucked up, i just didn’t know any of the specifics. when she said our relation ship was awesome i had to answer yes with glee or she would grab me by the shirt front, hold me up to her face and say, i know what you’re thinking, you think i’m a bitch, don’t you, don’t you? i had to agree with everything she said or boom, rage, screaming in my face. i still have have the feeling she can read my mind, even though i knew it’s not true.

i’m going to stop for now, i’m not staying on topic or putting things and order or whatever i should have done.

back to the card for a moment. her hand writing is beautiful, unmistakable.  i hadn’t looked at the return address and when i opened the card i saw the writing and the words, repair our relationship and threw it away immediately. i thought i was going to be sick. 10 years i’ve been trying to pretend she wasn’t alive and then i get this bullshit. i see my psychiatrist on Tuesday, so we can work through it.

this has been hard to write and i have so much more to say, but i’ll put it in chunks so i can handle it and so you don’t have to read a huge block of text!

i don’t think many people blog openly about child abuse, and i’ve never talked much about it to anyone  but my husband, my shrink, and my dad. i’ve told a few people that i hate her and didn’t explain. so here it is, at least some of it.

child abuse is something you never get over and for me,  it ruined a lot of my life.

anxiety, bipolar, depression, writing

Tid-bit of Trauma from the past

the homeowner’s association sent two men to look at the leak in the roof. i was the only one home and having strangers in the house, even when my husband was home, scared the crap out of me. rain was predicted for the following day so we HAD to have them take care of the problem right away.

by the time they got there i was already a panicky mess. they pulled up in the driveway and got out of a really ratty station wagon. i had expected a truck with a roofer’s logo and workmen in uniforms with their names embroidered over the pocket.

i ran down the stairs with a lump in my throat and let them in. they started going upstairs after muttering something. i started to hyperventilate. they carried a ladder in, opened the door to the attic, which was in the ceiling, and climbed up.

i dashed into the computer room and shut my eyes repeating “it’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok…” over and over under my breath. when i opened my eyes, a couple of minutes later, the ladder was gone!!!! the attic door was shut. their car was still in the driveway.

i heard them walking around above me, in the attic. i felt like i’d been punched in the gut. i grabbed my phone and called my huz. when he answered i was already babbling, sobbing high-pitched hysteria. he tried to calm me down, but it was hopeless. i begged him to come home. he agreed and i went and curled up in the bedroom closet.

when he finally got home he found me there with my hands over my ears. he told me they’d been on the roof all the time i thought they were in the attic. he sent them on their way and hugged me tight.

abstract, abstractexpressiomism, art, artist, comics, drawing, fine art

today is the next day of my dental journey. for many years i didn’t take care of my teeth, i mean really didn’t take care of them. a lot of the time i didn’t even brush them, flossing was out of the question. i had a dentist i really didn’t like so i rarely went.

the last time i went to that dentist that they left me sitting in the chair for half an hour. my fibro and spine were super painful and all i could see ahead of me was more laying on my back with more waiting. i tried to ex plain but they totally didn’t get it, or maybe they didn’t care? i walked out and they made a huge fuss, followed me out the door and tried to talk to me asking what was wrong. i told them what was wrong was what i told 4 people already with no response. obviously they weren’t trying. the manager kept asking questions and i just said, and i really did say this, go away and leave me alone. that did the trick.

i knew i needed a lot of work done, but i didn’t want it at that office.  i found a dentist that i like much much better. i’m already getting to know my dentist. he’s done work on me         5x already. i’m having a crown today and i’m hoping he will put on some permanent crowns now, i need 3. i have so much work to do. 5 cavities. and that’s easy part! i guess this is my punishment for all those years of slacking. i’m brushing now, but i am quite sure i’m not ever going to be flossing. also i have a prescription mouthwash to use to heal the gums. it stings in my mouths when i swish it around.  i can’t eat or drink for half an hour after i take it.

i’m enthusiastic about getting all this done. it’s just when it’s an hours before the appointment, i get nervous and tend to have a panic attack. i have had twice  this morning. my appointment is at noon, just two hours. i wish these appointments were earlier, so i wouldn’t have to wait  so long. i got up at4 am because it was on my mind. i figured, fuck it, and got up.

i finished up a comic i was reading  called Monstress.  it was a good plot, leaving you wishing for lots more and the art was divine. i’m sure i’ll be reading it again.

i’ll give you a piece of art to reward you for reading this!  lol

i hope you are having a good day! tell me about your day!

-ruthie

(this is oil pastels on textured paper)

twin-whirlpools

abstract, abstractexpressiomism, anxiety, art, artist, chronic pain, disabled, Life, painting, stress relief, Uncategorized

damn that app!

there are so many posts i would have written if i’d been using my computer (like i am now) rather than the app on my phone or tablet. obviously there’s the typing issue. i can type pretty quickly on a real keyboard, but on a touch pad… it’s the same for everyone. more than that though, there are so many things that are broken or simply never worked in the first place, it’s extremely difficult to navigate and about as opaque as can be.

i usually am in bed or on the couch because of my fibromyalgia and spine problems. i’ve written some about some of that, but nothing about the fibro and nothing about the illnesses at all in months. a lot of things happened and i learned things, am still learning things, and finding way to deal with my new-ish (it’s been leading up to here for about 2 years)issues. that’s mainly what i wanted to talk about over these months, but i couldn’t face typing all that out on a touch keyboard. being in places like bed that are so unstructured, even with a lap desk, and a bluetooth keyboard, really doesn’t work for me. i’ve tried just about everything.  nothing compares to a PC at a big desk and a good desk chair. i’ve got that, and i’m lucky, i know.

i haven’t used this desk first because my pain was such that being on the couch was the most comfortable place to be for a very long time. the main things i do are internet, art, and sleep (and complain). i moved all my art stuff and general desk stuff downstairs (and there is a LOT of it) downstairs. i was living down there almost entirely.

i came upstairs, these last few weeks, but i have to be in bed most of the time, the pain is bad enough that even the couch is too painful to be on for long. the bed and this desk are upstairs. so i spend most of my time in bed, during bad spots, like what most of the days have been like, lately. since the computer room, where i am now (aka the red room…yes, the walls are painted dark red….)

workspace_2013_by_crazyruthie

{as i was writing i remembered this photo. that’s what it was like in 2013 before all this pain started.}

…..is on the same floor as the bedroom i come in here to do computer things or draw or just sit in the desk chair which, i forgot, has a special lumbar support feature, so it makes my back quite happy.

i’m veering off topic, not that i was on topic before, cause the only topic was supposed to be about why i hated the app and i finished that up in the first paragraph. i just kept going! and so i guess i can say anything! i’m not very good at doing things in order.

so back to where i work, spend my time, get whatever or nothing done, etc.

this is where i work now looks like..

 

{aren’t those circles hilarious?}

basically i’m using half the dining room table. i clear it all off sometimes, like the top pic or stick everything in one corner and try to take up as little room as possible, like the bottom pic. (those are my japanese watercolors, i wrote most of a post about them a couple months ago. if you want to read about them i’ll  show you.)

you want to see more workspace photos, you say? no problem, i answer!

 

i have an appointment with my new dentist today. i wasn’t going to see him until 2017 because i used up all our dental insurance for the year with 2 root canals at $1500 a pop. one of the temporary crowns got damaged and it didn’t hurt, so i was going to wait to get  it fixed. well, now it hurts and i’m not doing thanksgiving without being able to chew properly! i had a big disaster at my last dentist, they couldn’t understand my new, disabled person, needs and so i got mad and found a new dentist! so, i’ll be meeting him in 2.5 hours. i’m scared to death cause i have no idea what it will be like there, but it’s a big practice and i have a feeling they’ll be a lot more professional and they’ll have a much more modern office. still…  i’m also really worried about how much i’m hurting now, because it’s very hard just to get around the house. boy oh boy i better not get lost!!!!!!!

bye for now!

Uncategorized

i’m on my own now….

i went to see my doctor, Dr Lu, a specialist in physical medicine, who has been treating my spinal stenosis. i was afraid that this would be the end of the help he could give me, but i was hoping against hope that it wasn’t true. wrong!

he referred me to a spine surgeon, which i am going to skip because there is no way i am having surgery on this until it lasts a lot longer and gets a lot worse. i think he was grasping at straws. he ordered knee xrays! i kept trying to tell him that i’ve had arthritis in my knees for many years and my orthopedic surgeon treats them with injections. so, another xray is really NOT useful.

the only good thing he did is order a TENS unit for me, that my insurance will pay for.

it seems i am left with taking my meds, resting, and using things at home that treat symptoms. things like, ice, heat, compression, diet, and patience.

he didn’t even thing it was necessary to make another appointment. as my husband said the doctor meant, you’re on your own now. i think he knew that this would be the case, but didn’t want to keep me from being hopeful.

i was incredibly anxious about this appointment, this morning was awful. this is the outcome i didn’t want. i want to scream, somebody help me! but what’s the point.

hopefully i’ll be able to get used to this idea, and just move on, doing my best. maybe it will go into remissions sometimes? i know there are good days and bad days.  live in the moment, in the moment, in the moment!

but if you do that, where does your time go? it just floats away. this makes me want to ask myself big giant questions like, who does this make me since i’m so different from i was before spinal stenosis? the ever popular  question, why me? the thing in the forefront of my mind when will it end? will it ever end? is there anything else i should be doing? is there anyone who can help me? where do i stand? is my life ruined? was my life much better than i thought before this? is there anything i could have done to prevent this? should i get a second opinion? on and on…

i don’t know anything and i feel a lot. where to go from here?