abstract, abstractexpressiomism, art, artist, fine art, painting, Uncategorized

“rain of paint”

i realized these posts are kind of dull, or at least duller than they could be, with just the image of the art and no writing talking about what it meant or how it was meant or my  thoughts about it, etc. i hope people are interested in this!

this painting is on a  16″x 20″ canvas. that’s one of my favorite size canvases. right now i’m mainly working on that size and 12″x 12″ canvases. i prefer square canvases to rectangle ones..

i spent a long time making the “background” which was really supposed  to the finished painting. there were so many layers and colors and different kinds of brush strokes. i liked it a lot. i don’t know wtf got into me, but i sort of feel like i ruined a good painting that i spent ages on by putting white runny paint on it. i am considering starting over and doing a similar one in a similar way  and not dump a “rain of paint” all over it. oh well, it’s possible it enhances the painting. what do you think?

the intended atmosphere and explanation will apply to the painting without the white paint. i’m really sorry i didn’t take a picture before t his. anyway! the painting has a zillion colors in it. there are lots of colors and lots of colors i mixed, either on the canvas  or on a palette. i used palette knives and brushes.

the atmosphere was supposed to be fairly complex. it’s a bit chaotic and many colored. i felt very intense when i was painting this and i wanted viewers feel that way, too. i have so much going on in my life i feel like there is the sort of mixed up, like the colors are here. that’s part of what i feel.

i guess the white paint rain on the painting  was an act of rebellion against the time i spent trying to make something other people would find attractive and approve i. i don’t have much confidence in what i create. i think i’m scared of showing that.i don’t think the paintings i worry about are bad paintings, most of the worry comes from how the work will be received. i hate that i feel that way, but what creator doesn’t worry about what other people think about what they do. i suppose a “real” artist might not, someone like Picasso or Monet or Dali. (i probably don’t know how they felt, but that’s the way i imagine it).

what do you think about the addition of the drippy what paint? what feelings or atmospheres are you getting from the work?

…..i just fell asleep while writing this! thanks drugs! almost all the 20 something pills i take a day have the side effect of making you drowsy. ironically i get up at 5am because i can’t sleep any later. my body is plotting against me!

does anyone else watch “Arrow?” it’s another superhero show on Netflix. it’s a bit slow to get into it, but i’m on season 1 episode 15 and i watch at least one episode a day. now it’s got lots of interesting mysteries, the characters are getting fleshed out and the plot is moving more quickly.

i’d love to hear your thoughts! (about any of this!)

a rain of paint

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me and my pain are going to the dentist!

i’m afraid there won’t be any art discussions today.

i’m feeling really really bad and i need to write or something before i freak out.

the pain from my pinched nerve is really bad, maybe an 8. that’s bad enough, but i have to go to the dentist in about 2 hours. i’ve been wrestling in my mind, should i call them and bail, or should i just bail, or should i force myself to go cause it could be a high pain day anytime i was supposed to go to the dentist. i’m going to try to be a dental bad ass.

i’ve been sitting here all day, on the couch, with mackie and art stuff, comic books, my tablet, my music and i’m still on the verge of losing it. what will it be like when i have to sit in the same position for 20 or 30 minutes?? i don’t want to cry. i’ve cried there before and i do not want a repeat performance.

it’s really hot outside, something in the 90s. that will make it worse. going out into the heat makes me really panicky. i haven’t gotten my handicapped parking placard in the mail from the DMV yet, so i’ll have to park and walk. it’s not far to a healthy person, but for me, it’s going to be tiring and stressful.

i don’t want to leave home. there are so many things outside my house that i don’t want anything to do with! the pain in my legs and butt and hips is like electricity. and lots of other things like pressure and heat.

fatigue is getting me down.

i don’t know what to do with myself. all i can think of is the time ticking away until i have to leave to get there. i tell myself that i can have a treat after, but i imagine i’ll be so worn out and stressed that ill just want to collapse at home.

isn’t being at home a wonderful thing?

i need ice packs STAT.

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stress! good stuff! bad stuff!

stressful day!

i went to PT for my hand again and brought the therapist a painting i’d done. wow, she really didn’t get it! i was so uncomfortable. it reminded  me that the general public doesn’t get abstract art.  there were a lot of swirly bits in it and she thought they were letters spelling out something. *sigh* i thought i was giving her something special. meh.

i’m still waiting to hear from the doctor about the MRI results! his office closes at 4 today, so only another 1.5 hours for them to call. i left another message. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i feel super panicky! it’s my spine, dammit, i need to know!

after the disappointing physical therapy appointment i wanted to treat myself (without buying food!) so i went to a fab piercing and tattoo studio that has an incredible selection of organic jewelry. i talked to the owner about the various kinds of earrings he had (there are 100s!) (these are for stretched ears) and i decided on some. i went in there with a pocket full of cash and walked out with half of it still there! he charged me, per pair, the price i thought each earring would be!!!! he’s pierced me before and is a really cool guy. i bought a second pair since they were so much cheaper than i thought they would be!

i generally don’t like being touched, not just by strangers, but by anyone. hugs freak me out. however, i’ve found that i can give a good handshake and not feel bad. i’m proud of my handshaking abilities! hehe i stick my hand out for a shake in lots of situations, i think people might be weirded out about it. i think it’s kind of a strange thing for a woman to do. i have a very warm firm grip and i think i might be squashing people’s hands. lol  i like the piercer/tattoo artist because he has a killer handshake! he’s really big, in every direction, lol, so he’s very strong. excellent shaker!

mad props to Marcello at Wonderland piercing and tattooing studio!

i haven’t had any jewelry in my ears for over a year, so i figured they must have shrunk waaaaay down. but no! they are still big enough for 0g rings. i have to stretch them a little more for the white earrings, but i’ll do it slowly and carefully, unlike my usual attempt to do everything immediately and end up with painful yucky holes.  the green ones fit nicely, so i’ll wear them for now.

the green earrings are glass and the white ones are bone.

new earrings

gotta complain a little more! the sciatica makes me feel like there’s lightening running down my leg. gahhhhh

hope everybody is having a good (or at least decent) day! i’m trying…. 😀

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taking care of my health

i slept so well on our new bed last night! it’s such a change; a couple of years ago i was manic and sleeping about two hours at night, maybe one or two during the day. day after day after day. i had such cold lonely mornings before the sun came up, know that my husband and dog were soundly asleep. ANYWAY now i rarely wake up earlier than 7 (going to bed at midnight). i’m grateful for it.

my husband told me the truth i didn’t want to hear, i got mad, i panicked, and then i decided to open up my mind a little bit. i’ve had all these aches and pains, bursitis, arthritis blah blah blah. i kept going to the doctor and they didn’t find anything. my husband made me realize that since i sit at my desk all day everyday, hunched over a keyboard or painting 10 hours a day was ruining my body. i kept myself from getting any better by going  down the stairs very slowly and carefully. i did everything like i was made of glass because i hurt so much.  i rarely left the house. ha! i rarely left the room i make art in.

he said, it’s all on you, you’re the only one that can turn it around. i huddled in bed on monday, crying.

then he suggested a plan of what i could do. stretching. my muscles are tight and gnarled up. so, yesterday i watched a couple yoga videos on youtube and stuff about stretching if you’re sore. it was hard to start at first but when i realized it helped a bit, i started doing stretches frequently. i can tell how short and tight the muscles are, but wow it feels good to be able to move around more! i get up from my desk and walk around the house every 15 minutes or so. it’s like my body is thawing out.

this makes me see that my depression is still going strong. has been all this time. i guess i knew that. maybe this will help. i’ll still suffer chronic pain, but it doesn’t have to be crippling.

i worry that this will only last a couple of days, i hope it’s not mania. all i want to do is relax. i don’t even know what it’s like to relax. people always say they spent the weekend “relaxing at home” or whatever. i don’t relax even after i’ve taken my klonopin, not in my sleep, not after a long session of crying.

i can’t do a yoga class because it’s too hard to leave the house, let alone be around a bunch of people. but i think i can learn a lot at home.

i’m tempted to go the chiropractor because part of the treatment is a sports massage. omg it hurts but that’s definitely the closest i’ve gotten to relaxing!

it’s scary to take responsibility for keeping your body well.

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gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what a crappy friday!

what a shitty day i’ve had today!

i went to the orthopedic surgeon to get an injection in my hip for the bursitis. woo woo. it wasn’t too bad. it was about the same as the knees and a lot easier than in the fingers. it sucked, but it wasn’t scary. my silly doctor winked at me. wtf? she’s younger than me, i’m sure. what a dork. lol

when i came home i collapsed on the couch and stayed most of the day because my hip hurt so much. i usually have a lot of trouble with the needle trauma after injections into joints and have a really painful couple of days before it starts working. i hung out on the couch doodling in my journal.

i decided to treat myself and get delivery chinese food. when i was ordering it, i realized that my debit card wasn’t in my wallet. i looked everywhere, even went back to the doctor’s office limp limp limping. no luck. i think i remember when i might have dropped it and that was in the clinic. i had to cancel the mofo card.  what a lot of stress!

what is am i supposed to do during the FIVE  to TEN business days until the new one gets  here?!

gasp, maybe i’ll have to go to the actual bank and get cash? i haven’t been in a bank in years.

so now i have a painful hip and no money. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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bursitis or worse?

today is not going to be a good day. that’s a terrible way to start off the day, it’s a terrible way to approach anything. i’m feeling depressed and scared, though, so it seems like i’m beaten before i even wake up. getting out of bed is awful. when i put my feet touch the floor the pain starts. when i put my weight on them my caves hurt so bad that i have to grab the wall not to fall down. when i take a step my hip hurts so much i can hardly start walking. bending while getting dress is horrible. reaching down to tie my shoes hurts. sitting in a chair hurts.

you get the point. i made another doctor’s appointment for today. it doesn’t seem like bursitis could cause this kind of pain. the painkillers help, but they don’t make me feel like i can stand the pain. i’m scared. i have to hear what a doctor has to say. i don’t know if this has any basis in reality, but my first thought is rheumatoid arthritis. i had a good friend who had it and her pain was at this level all the damn time!

i painted something decent today, i think. it will be dry pretty soon and you can all see for yourselves. 🙂

if time permits, i’m going to make a card for my sister in law. her birthday is this weekend. she has aspergers and is very low functioning. she’s also a paranoid schizophrenic. i don’t have much contact with my inlaws and my husband really doesn’t like being around his dad.  she’s  sweet, but is the kind of person that makes others feel nervous around; she acts very differently from the social norm. she always sends birthday cards and tiny christmas gifts. we usually forget her until after her birthday. sometimes we send her amazon gift cards.

this year i decided she deserves more, more effort and more love. i’m painting some watercolor backgrounds to draw on for her. i did a few , so we’ll see.  i have a lot of gel pens, metallics and iridescent, wild colors, etc.  i think she’d really appreciate something drawn with those. i also bought some neon envelopes and i’ve got some rubber stamps. i’m going to make her something she’ll really like, and see that i put time in on it. yay!

i have to see my psychiatrist today, too. that’s not such a big deal, i guess. i don’t want to go, but who does? that’s at 11:30 and the appointment with the other doctor is 1pm. fun fun. luckily they’re in the same clinic.  wish me luck!