chronic pain spreads

welcome  to chronic pain central!

i’ve been dealing with chronic pain for 20 years. lately when i get out of bed in the morning i can barely walk, i ache all the time. i thought it was because my blood sugar isn’t so great (though it’s much much better than before) or anxiety. it finally got bad enough that i made an appointment with my PCP and saw her today. she had me lay on the exam table and moved my body around. she pushed my hip back a bit and omg i yelled! pain went shooting, like a blast of lightening, from my hip to my ankle.

she says i have bursitis in my hip. she gave me A LOT of painkillers, good ones, too. you know you’re not doing well when they shove narcotic pain medicine  at you. i’m supposed to take  4 a day now.

she prescribed some topical gel that acts as an anti-inflammatory since i’m already taking tylenol and even ibuprofen if my stomach is feeling strong.

i had a feeling that the pain was too bad to be something unimportant. i started to get scared, wondering if i had rheumatoid arthritis.

the treatment options are pretty much the same as for my knees…stretch, perform certain exercises, ice it, try not to move it too much, take the pain meds. sometimes surgery is recommended.

i don’t think it’s really hit me yet, but it will seem so awful that i have a new pain that won’t go away.

i want to ask the stupidest question there is is…why me? why do i keep getting new things wrong with me?  it’s hard not to wallow in it.

physical therapy

my left hand, the one that i had surgery on in january, has been getting worse over the last week. it’s very swollen, stiff, and painful now.

i saw the doctor this afternoon and she said the only way to get it to improve is with physical therapy.apparently, the woman she’s sending me to has no mercy. lol.  i’m nervous since my doctor prescribed norco to take throughout the four weeks of PT. it must be bad if she did that!

i’ve got an ice pack on it and i took a pill a couple of hours ago. it’s helping a little.it’s so hard to ignore the pain or to find anything that really distracts me.  i want to paint, but i feel so uninspired.

from this perspective, a month seems like a very long time.

boo hoo

i’m sitting here wondering why nobody read my last post and trying to tell myself that i’m not getting a migraine because i know i am. i unwrapped the bandage on my hand (this is not me writing well written story, it’s me feeling sorry for myself) and none of the stitches have dissolved. i spent half the day irritated and in pain because my surgeon and my husband tell me it needs to be uncovered. i keep telling them that it hurts waaaay waaay to much for that. i put the damn thing back on again and it feels much better. i fucking hate it when other people tell me how i should treat my own body!

my mood has been crashing around my poor mind like the proverbial bull in a china shop. my emtions are just barely under the surface. when i asked andrew why he thinks people act so uncomfortable around me and he said it was because i seem like i’m about to burst into tears or start getting angry at any moment. he’s probably right, i mean, that’s how i feel.

i’m tired and there’s laundry to put away and a kitchen to clean.

i need catharsis but i feel so cold and angry that i can’t cry. when i talk my own voice makes me upset. idk what kind of upset, just upset. i can focus my eyes. that happens when i’m really depressed. i need to take a shower but it makes me scared to be naked and unable to leave because there’s shampoo in my hair.

i’m egging myself on now. ugh.

i’m not going to proof read this. i just don’t give a fuck.

going to the airport

back when i could still travel, andrew and i decided to go to ireland. it was our first trip there. we were both into irish history and art, so we decided to go. we even splurged to stay in a castle owned by the Guiness family. it was a dream trip. i couldn’t wait to go.

the morning we were leaving i was wired, felling stiff as a board, consumed by anxiety. i felt guilty because i might be ruining it for andrew, who loved to travel. he’s the most mellow person i’ve ever met. traveling was a breeze to him,so he was able to be there for me. i guess that’s why we work so well together. opposites attracting, and all…

i sat on the sofa in the dark at 5 am, surrounded by everything (hopefully) that i couldn’t do without. that took up 3 suit cases and two carry on bags. (we were only going for a week!) my right arm developed a terrible muscle cramp that just would not relax. it was so painful i cried. andrew reminded me over and over that it was anxiety that was causing the pain. i shivered there, clutching his hand and crying.

ireland was wonderful, the castle was wonderful, but i wonder, was it worth it?

btw, does anyone else get physical symptoms from anxiety? (i do a lot.)