anxiety, bipolar, chronic illness, depression, fibromyalgia, health, illness, mental illness, Movies, tv


When I was a kid my parents had me write in a journal what I watched on TV and how long I spent watching. I was only allowed 8 hours per week, including Saturday morning cartoons!

I didn’t know what my classmates were talking about when they got excited about shows they watched every night. I was amazed when they talked about watching TV all day on Saturdays.

My parents were both teachers and were left wing idealists. So I was raised differently from my friends. We never had any junk food around, I wasn’t allowed to eat sugar cereal and I had to drink diet soda. All these things don’t seem like that much, but together, especially the way kids latch onto anything they see as different, like me. Not only was I weird because I had very little experience with pop culture, but I really liked the learning part of school too! god forbid a kid cares about what is being taught​!

My whole life, as an adult, and even when I was in university, I didn’t watch much TV and rarely went to the movies. If someone turned on a TV I’d leave the room (I did watch Twin Peaks and Ren and Stimpy and a bit of MTV. That was when they showed music videos and bizarre, wonderful things like Liquid TV)

Even my favorite shows weren’t imporant to me. I could pass a few weeks and not watch anything.

For many years I didn’t even own a tv. When my husband insisted on buying a big tv I had a fit! I made him put it in the computer room. He liked to play console games on it, too. That seemed like a reasonable use of a tv.

My huz and I had many little conflicts about him wanting us to watch things together and I didn’t. I didn’t want him to watch anything at, but I was very insecure and had to be in the same room as my husband. Poor guy! I followed him around crying.

Having a tablet and Netflix made it all change. I could watch things alone, and I didn’t have to compromise on what to watch. Netflix original shows provided excellent content that actually kept my interest.

now I watch a couple of hours a day and I go to the movies at least once a week. Considering how bored I get, being stuck at home with my illnesses keeping me from doing things most people do, watching stuff is a bit of a life saver. It makes time pass more quickly.

I ‘ve had to tell myself that watching TV isn’t morally wrong!

abstract, art, drawing

Line art, feel free to color

Hi! This is some abstract line art for coloring! Anybody can use it, but please credit me for my part…the line art. I don’t even know if you can download stuff from here. If it’s not or you want the full-size file email me:

very.crazy..ruthie @ (no spaces.)

I have lots more of this stuff if anyone is interested in coloring pages. I might post more of it.


half circle line art

abstract, art, bipolar, depression, drawing, mania, medical marijuana, psychedelic, trippy

My furious toe.

Some shit head from the ASPCA called me to ask for $$$$, I thought they were hitting members up for money. He kept telling me facts. I asked if he knew I was a member ALREADY. no? then STOP trying to convince me to join! Since he kept reading his script as fast as he could. I said stop talking! But he kept going so I hung up. I never talk to people I don’t know unless they’re something like workmen, doctor’s offices, the pharmacy etc. I was totally stoned, so I had a weird chat with the silly man who did care if i was a monkey or a bot, or someone who actually financially supported the cause he didn’t give a damn about.

I was so stoned because my angry toe is furious. The doctor I saw about it, the split in my toe that won’t heal, was worried because it hurts so much and because i’m diabetic. She prescribed antibiotics. she told me to put antibiotic ointment on it and leave it uncovered. Ha! She should try walking around with a painful open wound just hanging out, waiting to get bumped and I dunno, the problem is dry skin, it’s not like I need to work to keep it open and dry! Right now it’s hurting worse than my back is.

STILL manic!

Thank goodness for pot! Extra NSAIDs , ice, and medical mj make it bearable. I feel disconnected from my toe. lol yay!  I’m listening to a radio station playing ’80s goth music. My youth! At that time punk and goth weren’t so far apart, at least here in the U.S. It’s strange to hear this music in this context. It makes me think of drinking beer in rooms full of inscence smoke and groups of angsty teenagers listening to Bauhaus and the Cure, Ministry, Skinny Puppy, Joy Division.

I didn’t  paint or even doodle a line or two today. Not good.

I went grocery shopping! Omg they packed the bags heavy and the store was huge. At least it wasn’t busy. All that walking on the furious toe and the painful everything else made me wonder if it had been a good idea. when I got home I started spending the afternoon and evening with a giant flare.

Ummm…..Something good today? I read a lot of a Daredevil comic. I didn’t like the crappy paper,and it had a drawing style that I wasn’t into at first, but I like the writing and now the art, too. It’s set in the same time and place as the show and the Kingpin is the bad guy, but the story is very very different. It’s more bleak and cruel. I’m about 2\3 of the way through.

I slept well last night! I went to bed at the same time as huz and dog, wore the CPAP mask. I slept until 6am. But being careful like that didn’t make things go better today. That’s a grim thought. I ate badly today. Ugh.  Let’s hope tomorrow is better.






anxiety, art, bipolar, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, dog, dorgi, fatigue, fibromyalgia, illness, music, painting, writing

a blown fuse in the stereo was the catalyst…

we have a stereo in the living room that my husband built. it’s beautiful, both in looks and sound. IMG_20151104_161920192

(thank heavens that bloody elliptical machine is gone. we sold it on craigs list.)

i love hanging out in there because the stereo sounds so good. sometimes during the day when everybody else is at work, i crank it and listen to something that gives me the shivers like “black bird fly” and “because” (beatles) or mozart’s requiem or some bad ass soundgarden, whatever. the volume can be frightening because if it goes all the way up (only happened about four times in a decade) it makes me crazy. the only way i can function enough is to grab the cord and unplug it. i have PTSD  from my mother screaming in my face for years, so loud noises just rip me up.

right now there is a tiny fuse blown in the amplifier that my husband can fix. he figured out the problem with all kinds of tools and meters. i love having a man who understands electronics intimately! the problem is it’s a very specialized part, not the kind of thing you can get at Radio Shack (the one near me is finally going out of business). he ordered it from an obscure site that will take 10 days to get the damn thing. i’m used to Amazon Prime, free two day shipping!

so. no music for 10 days, at least not in the downstairs without headphones. breakfast, no music, lunch, no music, dinner, no music. i don’t like head phones that much, they make me feel too warm. i don’t like earbuds cause they hurt my ears (they must be deformed mutant ears) and the in ear kind won’t stay in. it’s those mutant ears….

that means i am driven up stairs. that’s not so bad because we have what we call the red room, which, big surprise, is painted a nice clear red. that’s the office art room. it used to be anyway. when i was feeling much worse than i do now, while they were trying to diagnose me, i couldn’t come upstairs much because it was such an ordeal, so painful. thanks fibromyalgia and your chronic pain!!! my huz moved most of the art stuff downstairs  and i hung out in the living room on the couch and did what art i could. when i felt good/better i could sit at the dining room table and paint. i can make it into my happy place.


doesn’t that look fun!?

i’m way off topic! but who cares? it’s self expression and i should do whatever i feel like when i’m writing my blog, right?

there is a fab stereo in the red room and an other awesome one in the bed room, the purple room. the huz built both of those, too. building stereos, both the wood working and the electronics, is one of his hobbies. he’s a software engineer by day.

when i’m feeling crappy, which is 90% of the time, i can lay in bed and use my devices (that sounds rude lol), read a comic book, or draw in my sketchbook. inevitably i go to sleep. i think the pain just wears me out. plus fatigue is a biggie in terms of fibromyalgia symptoms. luckily the bed raises up at the top (like a craftmatic adjustable bed, remember those stupid commercials? doh!) so i’m pretty much sitting up and am more likely to stay awake, which is the goal.

i almost always have the puppeh in bed with me. he LOVES being in bed.


my PC is in the red room. i didn’t use it at all for a couple of years. i was downstairs with my devices. the WordPress app is horrible, just awful. it won’t even show notifications, it just sits and spins it’s wheels. that’s a lot of why i didn’t write in this blog for months and months. i couldn’t use the PC which is the only decent way to work on the blog. (i can still read other people’s blogs on the devices, shwew!) the other thing was that i was so overwhelmed and in so much pain and so depressed that the idea of writing anything was repugnant. now that things are a little better, i don’t mind writing, i’ve come to really enjoy it. i i used to write a lot. i still keep a journal.

the blown fuse on the stereo downstairs is helping write my blog!

totally off topic! i’m listening to the eagles harmonize acapella. that would be a good thing for cranking on the living room stereo.

oh, and welcome to my house! tee hee! 🙂

i hope you’re having an outstanding day! i plan to! ❤






abstract, abstractexpressiomism, acrylics, art, artist, dogs, fine art, jazz, painting, pets, stress relief, writing

evening music, a dog, and art.

you choose music for coming home and pull the drapes shut so you’re alone. you put on the Girl from Ipeanema by stan getz  and joao gilberto  with gilberto’s wife astrid singing. it’s a jazz and bossa nova mixed for mellow, groovy, sophisticated evening music.

before you collapse on the soft leather sofa you fill a tall glass with soda water and lots of ice. when ease onto the sofa, you see the dog is there, of course. after greeting him enthusiastically, you  picked him up and scoot him over so you can fit between the pillows and the dog. he crawls into your lap. you keep your fur baby so close and cuddly. his fur is so soft, but the best part is kissing his sleek shiny  head. he smells like clean warm dog. so nice.

you  stretch out and finally start to relax.

the last thing  you see before you start snoozing on your couch with your dog is this painting.



art, artist, music, Uncategorized


When I was a kid, the Police were my favorite band and sting was my true love! Lol! I would have been very surprised to find out that decades later, I think he’s an asshole and I don’t even look out for his albums. I still follow Steward Copeland, who, in retrospect, was the best musician in the band and a really cool guy. Poor Andy Summers sort of fell off the radar, my radar anyway.

Back to sting. I read, and who knows if this is true, that he wore a black and yellow striped sweater which led to the nick name. Since then, even though I became disenchanted with sting, I love black and yellow together. The painting below came from my attraction to the color combination.


The painting is on a 12″x12″ stretched canvas. I used acrylic paint in these colors… Mars black, graphite gray, cadimum yellow deep, yellow ochre, and Naples yellow.

I hope you like it! Comments and constructive criticism are more than welcome!

Who was your favorite band when you were young? If you painted your feelings about them, what would it look like?