anxiety, bipolar, blogging, chronic pain, depression, disabled, fibromyalgia, marijuana, medical marijuana, mental illness, Movies, spinal stenosis

A tin of mini joints! yay mmj!

I went to “my” dispensary, Harborside Health Center, in Oakland, CA this morning and the 45 minute drive from where I live (Fremont) was really easy. Sometimes it’s awful.  I drive up 880N on the east San Francisco Bay area going up to the Bay Bridge to “the City.” The freeway leads to a zillion other places, too.

The drive can be a bitch. I wouldn’t go near it during rush hour! But it can develop big problems at any time. I think all of this is like any other big city and it’s surroundings.

The freeway (what do you call it? Highway? Motorway? Autobahn?) I pretty scary in places there are very narrow lanes, and lots of places that have no shoulder, some epically bad merges, and more trucks than you can shake a stick at! For a long time it terrified me to drive up there. Now I know it inside out. I actually enjoy it. It clears my head. It’s also probably the most exciting place I ever go!

Today I bought a lot of mini joints.

tin of mini joints 2

Big joints or cones or blunts are just too much for me and since it’s medicine, I don’t share it with anyone. nobody wants to light up something you were smoking before and put out. Yuck! I came across these mini joints are perfect for me or anyone wants to smoke a joint by themselves. The cute tin is great for carrying them somewhere else you need to take your medicine. They’re also a really good deal. They’re 1/4g. The tins cost $40 and hold 12 mini joints.

So! Time to talk about movies. Last weekend my huz and I went to see Valerian. The eye candy was gorgeous. It was very creative and the best special effects I’ve seen in a long time. The girl who plays Loreline is Thea from Arrow. That was a surprise. I like her character on Arrow, so I liked her right away. She’s hotter than hot and loves to show it off. I was very surprised that Valerian was male! For some reason I thought he was a girl. Doh!

I’m only talking about surface things because it’s still me and I won’t give you any spoilers.

Atomic Blonde is out now. I adore Charlize Theron and slick action films are hardly deep, but they’re fun to watch. I have a feeling I’ll be going to that alone next week!

This weekend we are celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary! One of the things we’re going to do to celebrate is to see Dunkirk. It got great reviews and it’s my very favorite subjects! (I have a b.a. in British history.

Tonight, as a beginning of our celebration, my husband brought me a s’mores sundae. It had real toasted marshmallows on top, they were even kind of burnt, as they should be! We’re going to have a special dinner, but I dunno what. We don’t exchange gifts, he has everything he could ever want, I just got a new phone from my dad, I don’t really need anything. We share the money so what’s the point? We do fun stuff instead!

On the upcoming Tuesday I scheduled 3 doctor’s appointments! Is that mind-blowing or what?? Who has that many doctor’s appointments?? I had to postpone one and I’m going to the other two because they are both psychiatric. I’m seeing my therapist and going to group. The third appointment was in the same department, but it was just getting started with a doctor who runs an acupuncture and meditation group. I can’t wait to start that, though!

I will be seeing my psychiatrist sometime next week, too! Can you tell I’m feeling crazier than crazy? I’m trying to keep myself out of the hospital.

On that jolly note I shall say gooodnight, at least for the moment.








anxiety, bipolar, blogging, chronic illness, depression, fibromyalgia, illness, mental illness, spinal stenosis, weightloss

3 reasons for me to feel good today

There are three reasons for me to be in good spirits today. Yay!

It’s National Fried Chicken Day!!I LOVE fried chicken! The second) good news will be ruined unless I only eat a little bit o. But oh I really want plates of it! 

What a bummer that other countries aren’t having national fried chicken day. If anyone hasn’t had American style fried chicken, come have dinner at my house. My husband is frying enough chicken for thousands!

The other news is pretty exciting!

As of this morning I have lost 57 pounds! (26kg)

I’m still losing I don’t have a goal, even though they say you should. if someone asked my advice even *I* would say it was a good idea. Right now I don’t I’m trying to pretend it’s not happening. That can help me do well and to stress less. I really don’t get it. I eat very lightly but I just don’t feel tempted. I don’t think about food most of the time. Maybe my depressive episode is to thank for it. Yay for depression. Ugh.

I want to go in an imaginary world where I can lock myself into my bedroom and have a pillow fight with myself. It would be zero gravity, so almost no pain! I need my beloved soda stream! My dog, water, comicbooks, alllll the pillows and blankets we have,and …LOTS of other stuff!

My huzzy does everything that needs to be done. I’m struggling to stop feeling guilty; last night after dinner I played with my phone while trying not to watch him clean up the dinner *he* cooked.

Everybody who reads my blog a lot (thank you lovely people) knows that I’m disabled. I have fibromyalgia and spinal stenosis, I walk with a cane. I have a lot of chronic pain, so there’s no way I can help with anything. I want to so much. I want to do things, like very simple stuff like putting the dishes in the dishwasher, but I can’t. I can’t stand up very long and bending over is not an option.

I want you to know, fuzzy huzzy, that you are the best husband a girl could have! Our 24th anniversary is at the end of July. Pretty impressive, I think!💞🌹

The huz takes excellent care of me. He’s a fab cook and he really enjoys that. But who enjoys going to the grocery store  and the farmer’s market to, go to the post office and such. Thank goodness we’re able to have a cleaning service come in.

He never complains, he’s never late, he doesn’t neglect things that need be done. He’s not perfect, but he’s the best choice i ever made. 💘💒

It’s hot and i didn’t notice again. Lol it’s 90F (34c)!  Lol!  I think i’m going to walk down the stairs very very carefully! Have a good evening, all.

art, comics, Entertainment, feelings, goodnight, insomnia, Life, Uncategorized

“Tablet Time”

Today I am having incredibly hard time concentrating. I work on a acrylic painting, i fool around with alcohol inks on Yupo.i started to write in my journal 5 times! I edit some photos.

The cleaning people ring the doorbell! Gasp!!! They always text me first! I guess they forgot. You should have seen the look on their faces when they saw the look on my face! My eyes bugged out, I literally gasped and put my hand over my mouth. They were laughing so hard, it was obvious that I was shocked to see them! I let them in and they did their thing (they do a really good job!).they come every other Friday, so it’s easy to get confused.

In a little while one of my favorite places called, Treasure Island Comics. They had the comic I ordered last week came in. It’s called “The Maxx.” Anybody remember Liquid Television on MTV? it was back in the day, mid 80’s, when they actually played videos! That was when having cable TV was fairly rare and very exciting. I was in high school then. My friends and I all gathered at our buddy, Joanie’s house (they had cable!) to watch Live Aid.

As you can tell, I go from one random subject to another. Anyway, I went there and got home. the cleaning people were still there, so I started writing this. I’m listening to Dire Straits on earphones. Ahhhh….Mark Knofler’s guitar!!!

Now, on to tablet time. My husband is an introvert and I am an extrovert. So I feel like I don’t get enough attention and he he feels overwhelmed by my intensity. I’m alone all day and since he’s an engineer, his job is more intense than I am! Our evenings are usually nice but sometimes it can be tense occasionally.

Tablet time is a way for us to spend, really personal, quality time together. I look forward to it everyday.we get ready for bed and play with our tablets. A lot of the time it’s just relaxed conversation, something I crave all the time. We share things we find online, discuss our respective books, on and on.

After a while we decide to go to sleep. I feel chill and relaxed. Lucky for me,i fall asleep almost instantly. Unfortunately, I wake up at 4am or 5am most days. Tablet time starts at midnight. I don’t get much sleep. it doesn’t bother me much.

Have an awesome weekend! Any plans? I’m going to read my new comicbook, surely I will work on art projects, and go the movies! 😘






have a splendid day!

i scribbled this down in my journal when i was thinking about it…

i was thinking of going back to bed and crying myself to sleep. i was going to decide the day was horrible and write the whole thing off.

then i remembered my husband saying “have a splendid day!” as he was leaving for work. he always does that. he tells me to have some sort of incredibly over the top way to tell me to have a good day. he says, have an epic day! or have the best day you’ve ever had! or have a really fun day!

i usually grumble because i know i’m going to have a shitty day and he ought to know that and should comfort me.

just now i started thinking about it the way he says those and how special it was that he did that. he was trying to make me feel better, to make me laugh, to give me a boost, to tell me he loves me. no matter how bitchy i am he keeps doing it.

so today i’m going to have a splendid day!


hooray for digital communication!

andrew and i have been married 20 years, as of july last year. i don’t work. simply can’t do it. i don’t have any real life friends. i’m agoraphobic, you know, all that bipolar shit.

we were going through this horrible argument every fucking day…he works all day, goes to they gym, cooks dinner and then spends the rest of the night playing video games on voice chat. i’d sit in the room, watching the game over his shoulder. when i get upset i just cannot stop talking so i’d interrupt and start bugging him over and over, trying to get him to talk to me, to constantly get him to pay attention to me. it was fucked up and horrible for both of us.

i was so lonely. i wanted to talk to someone. i was desperate to talk to someone. he had a long long day doing everything with any help. he just wanted to sit down and have fun with his friends, in retrospect, i can see that what he was doing is pretty normal.

but what if you wife’s bipolar?

he really is wonderful. he bought me a computer and hassled me until i learned how to use it. suddenly i had more interesting things to do and talk about, make friends, discuss issues he’d never want to talk about. then when he played with his computer i was messing around on my computer!

it made a huge difference for both of us. but now it’s gotten even better. i used to call him at work (he’s a software engineer so that’s sort of out of the question) and he’d say he would call me back, and never did. i was crushed every time.

but! now we both have smart phones. i love texting with him! he’s totally different. more light hearted, he was silly and sweet. i think he  likes it because i don’t freak out. if i text him he always texts me back right away. he uses emoticons a lot,. that sure was a surprise! it feels so easy and mellow. it’s a given that sometimes the other person will get busy and not reply for awhile.

i know i can communicate with him if i’m not safe. and i know that if he responds he has a little time (and he usually does) and we text a little. i know that’s not interrupting him very much.

sometimes when i get really upset i can’t communicate at all. ( this is funny, but works really well) i go in another part of the house and text him. we can  message a little and i’m not nearly as hysterical as i would be if i were talking to him, face to face.

hooray for the internet!!!! hooray for cell phones!

my phone is like my imaginary friend!

hope your day is going well! 🙂