abstract, anxiety, art, batman, bipolar, chronic illness, chronic pain, comics, depression, dog, drawing, drugs, fibromyalgia, insomnia, mania, medical marijuana, mental illness, oakland california

still manic, still manic, still manic

i spent my day feeling too jumped up, a lot like being on meth. yes, i know a lot about being on meth. oh boy, i’ve never said that in public before. so yeah, i wish manic was like being on coke, but unfortunately it’s like being on meth.

i ate a big dinner which i am regretting because i haven’t been eating much so i feel bloated and gross. sometimes being really hungry for a couple of days makes me feel so clean inside. no, i’m not anorexic. my moods just throw me around a lot, and i’ve got that and all the meds i take and the fibromyalgia and spinal stenosis, and a nasty childhood all contribute to making me do, and feel, and act a little strange…a lot strange…  i do things that don’t make sense some of the time. i got hooked on meth because i was so depressed and it made me feel so much better, that i kept using it. untold energy, no appetite, no need for sleep, elevated mood, euphoria. sounds like being manic, too.  ahhh and delusions of grandeur, i hope i don’t get those, but maybe i’m not bill gates.LOL

i went to the comic book store today. alex the comic book guy was there, of course he was there, it’s his shop. hehehe actually, the only day i’m sure he is working in the shop is tuesdays, so i go about every other tuesday. he’s a cutie, deep, and really smart. not to mention he’s an incredible authority on comics! i bought two issues of batman all star, the rebirth reboot. i got an issue of jessica jones, but i really didn’t like the way it looked. bummer. i still don’t have money, so that’s all i got. i went to starbucks and only got an iced tea, but a cake pop was calling my name. but i averted my eyes and asked for no sweetener in my passion tea.

it was a gorgeous spring day, first one we’ve had this year. i actually drove around with the windows down in my car. a rare thing. i like to listen to music in the car, not wind noise. i am 100% out of mmj. i scraped up every bit, i used the kief in the bottom of the grinder. i am DRY. i hope it’s nice tomorrow because i’ll be driving up to Oakland to go to my dispensary. i call it “my dispensary” as though i owned it. it’s just mine cause it’s the one i’ve chosen to give all my business to.

i saw my psychiatrist today and she thought i might be manic partly because over the last couple days it got to be full blown and that when i had little or no marijuana. we adjusted the meds to, not take ritalin (that’s a no brainer), and to take less wellbutrin because it’s activating.

i saw a woman come home and greet her dog, who had been home alone all day, and they were both so happy to see each other. that’s the kind of thing that really makes me feel good.

Ant_Hills_by_merpagigglesnort

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

abstract, anxiety, art, bipolar, black and white, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, drawing, fibromyalgia, glasses, mania, medical marijuana, mental illness, optometrist, pen and ink

bipolar and fibromyalgia are kicking my ass

i’m feeling glum today. down, blue, bummed, out of sorts.  i want to write and i get up and down from my desk and start to write and delete it.

so this is bipolar. i’m manic; but right this moment i’m feeling depressed. i’ll get back to feeling manic again. i spent all my money on a LOT of stuff, i just bought anything i wanted. ugh. now i’m left with a whole lot of things, a  zillion of them and no money for anything else. typical mania. i’m hardly sleeping. i ate a huge dinner last night when of my husband’s friend came over, she’s Chinese, so she cooked real Chinese food for us. it was wonderful. but other than that, i’m not eating much.

being manic is a lot better than depressed, in my opinion. if mania lasts too long it can lead to big problems. i’ve been manic for about three weeks, it’s very low grade but can flare up or fall back into depression easily.  it’s good for weight loss! mmj helps a lot, kind of evens me out, gently. it lifts my mood and dampens my constant pain. yay cannabis!

my new glasses are coming today! i’m so excited about being able to see at last. for the longest time eye doctors kept telling me that my prescription hadn’t changed, but i knew it had. finally it’s gotten so bad that the doctor was shocked there was such difference. duh! so hopefully these new glasses will be like new eyes! maybe i’ll be able to drive at night again. that would be really nice.

i am so incredibly cold. i’ve have gotten so much colder since i got fibromyalgia. right now i hurt because i’m cold. putting on lots of extra clothes doesn’t really cut it. it’s from the inside out. i want gloves. spring can be as cold as winter here i want to go get coffee, but i can’t get myself to leave the house. 😦 that’s a product of both bipolar and chronic illness. imagine never ever feeling safe, not safe in your body and not safe in the outside world. maybe it’s anxiety, which seems to go along with bipolar or depression, or on it’s own.

maybe it’s agoraphobia, i suffered from that for a few years. it got to the point that i could only be in one room of the house, the computer/art room. i stayed there all the time, except for sleeping, at night i could go to the bedroom. we even ate our meals in there. my husband was so kind and thoughtful. he takes everything in stride. we’ve had hard times, what  marriages don’t? but he’s a good one, no doubt about it!

compartmentalise

anxiety, art, art block, artist, chronic illness, chronic pain, comics, depression, disabled, fatigue, feelings, illness, Life

art block and life with chronic illness

i have an art block! these are always scary because as soon as it happens you worry that you ‘ll never paint or draw again. my days are so fickle, between the pain, which is different every day and my moods (i am bipolar)swinging.. thanks fibromyaia and thanks to my stupid spine not to mention my  ! since it’s nerve pain, accentuated by one’s emotions and stress levels, how much sleep you get, your anxiety, everything you can think of can cause a flare (an increased amount of pain and other symptoms of fibro, lasting for a few minutes to a few days. some days aren’t too bad and others are miserable.i’m sad to say my diabetes is out of control; i’m doing my best to  get it down, but i can’t seem to do it. i’m trying and i won’t give up.

the art block really sucks because i rely upon art therapy as part of what i need everyday. i see the art supplies and i feel a panicky need to get going on  painting. i sit down at the table  with all my painting supplies around me.

it’s useless. total fail. i get up from the table and got to the living room to read comics. i have a lot of new ones, so it’s pretty exciting. i went to the comic book store 3x this week!  i’ve been buying single issues rather than trade paperbacks, which are collect quite a few issues and are considered graphic novels. i’m trying to figure out what series i want to follow. there are so many different batman series going on and they’re all based on the batman story, tons of variations.

i’m so tired, i’m going back to bed. 😦 fatigue. so much more than  being tired. it feels like your limbs are lead and you have to sleep or you will have a panic attack.

art, artist, bipolar, chronic pain, depression, disabled, dorgi, feelings, fine art, Life, mania, Uncategorized

Some writing and a silly painting

I got stuck in a rut, so I decided to paint something silly. The painting is called “Birdie”

Does anyone know what it’s named or what sex it is? Any suggestions?

I spent the last 5 days in bed. I hurt too much to be anywhere else. Yesterday my right leg was numb. It was dead weight. It’s still sort of like that.

My husband went to find lunch a little while ago.

This is boring! I’m going to pretend that I got tagged and tell ten things about myself.

1. Love dogs and am a strong advocate of adopting rescue animals instead of getting them from breeders.

2.i love to eat! Carbs are my favorite. I like veggies and fruit a lot,too. Dairy is right out, except for ice cream. Who doesn’t love ice cream, or even better, gelato!

3.i am bipolar

4.i have been married for 22 years. Of course there are ups and downs, but husband is my soulmate; we’ll be together til death do us part.

5. I am chronically ill. That causes chronic pain.

6. I am an artist.

7.i love the internet.

8.i have a B.A. in history.

9. I live in the San Francisco. Bay Area

10. I keep a journal, in a Moleskine notebook, that I write and every day. I fill several notebooks a year.

……now for the silly painting……..

 

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taking care of my health

i slept so well on our new bed last night! it’s such a change; a couple of years ago i was manic and sleeping about two hours at night, maybe one or two during the day. day after day after day. i had such cold lonely mornings before the sun came up, know that my husband and dog were soundly asleep. ANYWAY now i rarely wake up earlier than 7 (going to bed at midnight). i’m grateful for it.

my husband told me the truth i didn’t want to hear, i got mad, i panicked, and then i decided to open up my mind a little bit. i’ve had all these aches and pains, bursitis, arthritis blah blah blah. i kept going to the doctor and they didn’t find anything. my husband made me realize that since i sit at my desk all day everyday, hunched over a keyboard or painting 10 hours a day was ruining my body. i kept myself from getting any better by going  down the stairs very slowly and carefully. i did everything like i was made of glass because i hurt so much.  i rarely left the house. ha! i rarely left the room i make art in.

he said, it’s all on you, you’re the only one that can turn it around. i huddled in bed on monday, crying.

then he suggested a plan of what i could do. stretching. my muscles are tight and gnarled up. so, yesterday i watched a couple yoga videos on youtube and stuff about stretching if you’re sore. it was hard to start at first but when i realized it helped a bit, i started doing stretches frequently. i can tell how short and tight the muscles are, but wow it feels good to be able to move around more! i get up from my desk and walk around the house every 15 minutes or so. it’s like my body is thawing out.

this makes me see that my depression is still going strong. has been all this time. i guess i knew that. maybe this will help. i’ll still suffer chronic pain, but it doesn’t have to be crippling.

i worry that this will only last a couple of days, i hope it’s not mania. all i want to do is relax. i don’t even know what it’s like to relax. people always say they spent the weekend “relaxing at home” or whatever. i don’t relax even after i’ve taken my klonopin, not in my sleep, not after a long session of crying.

i can’t do a yoga class because it’s too hard to leave the house, let alone be around a bunch of people. but i think i can learn a lot at home.

i’m tempted to go the chiropractor because part of the treatment is a sports massage. omg it hurts but that’s definitely the closest i’ve gotten to relaxing!

it’s scary to take responsibility for keeping your body well.

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bursitis or worse?

today is not going to be a good day. that’s a terrible way to start off the day, it’s a terrible way to approach anything. i’m feeling depressed and scared, though, so it seems like i’m beaten before i even wake up. getting out of bed is awful. when i put my feet touch the floor the pain starts. when i put my weight on them my caves hurt so bad that i have to grab the wall not to fall down. when i take a step my hip hurts so much i can hardly start walking. bending while getting dress is horrible. reaching down to tie my shoes hurts. sitting in a chair hurts.

you get the point. i made another doctor’s appointment for today. it doesn’t seem like bursitis could cause this kind of pain. the painkillers help, but they don’t make me feel like i can stand the pain. i’m scared. i have to hear what a doctor has to say. i don’t know if this has any basis in reality, but my first thought is rheumatoid arthritis. i had a good friend who had it and her pain was at this level all the damn time!

i painted something decent today, i think. it will be dry pretty soon and you can all see for yourselves. 🙂

if time permits, i’m going to make a card for my sister in law. her birthday is this weekend. she has aspergers and is very low functioning. she’s also a paranoid schizophrenic. i don’t have much contact with my inlaws and my husband really doesn’t like being around his dad.  she’s  sweet, but is the kind of person that makes others feel nervous around; she acts very differently from the social norm. she always sends birthday cards and tiny christmas gifts. we usually forget her until after her birthday. sometimes we send her amazon gift cards.

this year i decided she deserves more, more effort and more love. i’m painting some watercolor backgrounds to draw on for her. i did a few , so we’ll see.  i have a lot of gel pens, metallics and iridescent, wild colors, etc.  i think she’d really appreciate something drawn with those. i also bought some neon envelopes and i’ve got some rubber stamps. i’m going to make her something she’ll really like, and see that i put time in on it. yay!

i have to see my psychiatrist today, too. that’s not such a big deal, i guess. i don’t want to go, but who does? that’s at 11:30 and the appointment with the other doctor is 1pm. fun fun. luckily they’re in the same clinic.  wish me luck!

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hiding

when i’m scared, or nervous, feeling guilty, feeling like a weirdo, feeling depressed (or manic), feeling ugly, feeling social anxiety, having a panic attack, blah blah blah, i hide. there are lots of different ways to hide. it’s good for a short term escape, but really shitty for dealing with problems and trying to be a part of society.

when i was in high school it was all about new wave and punk. a favorite hair style was having it shaved on the sides and strip of long hair down the middle, sort of like a flat mohawk, or shaved all around except the long bit on top. i, like many of my friends had hair like that. i had  it, and i expect they did, too, to cover my face. i had long fringe/bangs that hung down over my face. if i didn’t put it up in a ponytail, i could barely see. i remember sitting in a history class and getting yelled at for having my face covered like that, because the teacher thought i was asleep!

high school was a tough time for me, my family life was a disaster, i was an alcoholic and undiagnosed bipolar 1. i had a lot to hide from.

when i was a child i built “pillow forts” to hide in, mostly from my angry mother or simply because i needed a safe place.

my anxiety and paranoia are so bad that i often have to hide like that, too. i’ve been known to hide in the closet, or under my desk. i hide the fact that i’m crying sometimes, or that i’m feeling really crazy and don’t want anyone to know. i tend to blurt out how i feel, so it’s important to hide all that. i can hide so well that i can answer the phone in the middle of a sobbing panic attack, as though there was nothing wrong.

sometimes i hate hiding. i’d like the world to know how hard life is for me. it’s a coping mechanism, of course, and i suppose it’s better than having no way to keep yourself safe.