abstract, art, art therapy, bipolar, black and white, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, disabled, fibromyalgia, illness, insomnia, mania, mental illness, pen and ink, psychedelic, spinal stenosis

“3 am”


A couple of nights ago a panic attack woke up at 3 am. √ć think i had the attack because I was in a lot of pain and that made my mind flip out. I got up because I was wide awake and anxious as hell. 

I sat at the dining room table from 3 am until 8 am when it was finished. 

This is just line art so it doesn’t look that exciting, but I enjoyed it so much that I am making another one that is larger and has a lot of filling in and highlighting. Stay tuned!
Sleep well WordPressers!

art, comics, Entertainment, feelings, goodnight, insomnia, Life, Uncategorized

“Tablet Time”

Today I am having incredibly hard time concentrating. I work on a acrylic painting, i fool around with alcohol inks on Yupo.i started to write in my journal 5 times! I edit some photos.

The cleaning people ring the doorbell! Gasp!!! They always text me first! I guess they forgot. You should have seen the look on their faces when they saw the look on my face! My eyes bugged out, I literally gasped and put my hand over my mouth. They were laughing so hard, it was obvious that I was shocked to see them! I let them in and they did their thing (they do a really good job!).they come every other Friday, so it’s easy to get confused.

In a little while one of my favorite places called, Treasure Island Comics. They had the comic I ordered last week came in. It’s called “The Maxx.” Anybody remember Liquid Television on MTV? it was back in the day, mid 80’s, when they actually played videos! That was when having cable TV was fairly rare and very exciting. I was in high school then. My friends and I all gathered at our buddy, Joanie’s house (they had cable!) to watch Live Aid.

As you can tell, I go from one random subject to another. Anyway, I went there and got home. the cleaning people were still there, so I started writing this. I’m listening to Dire Straits on earphones. Ahhhh….Mark Knofler’s guitar!!!

Now, on to tablet time. My husband is an introvert and I am an extrovert. So I feel like I don’t get enough attention and he he feels overwhelmed by my intensity. I’m alone all day and since he’s an engineer, his job is more intense than I am! Our evenings are usually nice but sometimes it can be tense occasionally.

Tablet time is a way for us to spend, really personal, quality time together. I look forward to it everyday.we get ready for bed and play with our tablets. A lot of the time it’s just relaxed conversation, something I crave all the time. We share things we find online, discuss our respective books, on and on.

After a while we decide to go to sleep. I feel chill and relaxed. Lucky for me,i fall asleep almost instantly. Unfortunately, I wake up at 4am or 5am most days. Tablet time starts at midnight. I don’t get much sleep. it doesn’t bother me much.

Have an awesome weekend! Any plans? I’m going to read my new comicbook, surely I will work on art projects, and go the movies! ūüėė






taking care of my health

i slept so well on our new bed last night! it’s such a change; a couple of years ago i was manic and sleeping about two hours at night, maybe one or two during the day. day after day after day. i had such cold lonely mornings before the sun came up, know that my husband and dog were soundly asleep. ANYWAY now i rarely wake up earlier than 7 (going to bed at midnight). i’m grateful for it.

my husband told me the truth i didn’t want to hear, i got mad, i panicked, and then i decided to open up my mind a little bit. i’ve had all these aches and pains, bursitis, arthritis blah blah blah. i kept going to the doctor and they didn’t find anything. my husband made me realize that since i sit at my desk all day everyday, hunched over a keyboard or painting 10 hours a day was ruining my body. i kept myself from getting any better by going ¬†down the stairs very slowly and carefully. i did everything like i was made of glass because i hurt so much. ¬†i rarely left the house. ha! i rarely left the room i make art in.

he said, it’s all on you, you’re the only one that can turn it around. i huddled in bed on monday, crying.

then he suggested a plan of what i could do. stretching. my muscles are tight and gnarled up. so, yesterday i watched a couple yoga videos on youtube and stuff about stretching if you’re sore. it was hard to start at first but when i realized it helped a bit, i started doing stretches frequently. i can tell how short and tight the muscles are, but wow it feels good to be able to move around more! i get up from my desk and walk around the house every 15 minutes or so. it’s like my body is thawing out.

this makes me see that my depression is still going strong. has been all this time. i guess i knew that. maybe this will help. i’ll still suffer chronic pain, but it doesn’t have to be crippling.

i worry that this will only last a couple of days, i hope it’s not mania. all i want to do is relax. i don’t even know what it’s like to relax. people always say they spent the weekend “relaxing at home” or whatever. i don’t relax even after i’ve taken my klonopin, not in my sleep, not after a long session of crying.

i can’t do a yoga class because it’s too hard to leave the house, let alone be around a bunch of people. but i think i can learn a lot at home.

i’m tempted to go the chiropractor because part of the treatment is a sports massage. omg it hurts but that’s definitely the closest i’ve gotten to relaxing!

it’s scary to take responsibility for keeping your body well.


early riser

i slip from the bed in the dark, with regret born of restlessness.
i tip toe to the bathroom and weigh myself on the physician’s scale.
i blink in bright suprise or furrow my brow in dismay.
i stealtfully slide out the door, listening to them breathing rythmically.
i turn the knob slowly, oh so slowly, and shut the door with a breathless click.

inky blackness is like a blanket draped over my familiar house.
padding to the hallway, pausing to pull on the socks, waiting for me on the ledge,
blink, blink eyes adjust to the low light, stepping into the next room,
pushing the the dimmer switch and seeing the rich glow on the red walls…
it is the only light in the house; awake again, too early.

i feel loneliness wrap me up and caress me like the chilly air seeping in through the window.
i sit down in my comfy chair and lay my head back, a little sigh escapes.
i am weary but my manic mind won’t let me rest
i notice the eerie but peaceful sound of no sounds, a moment of peace.
i draw breath into my lungs and, hush, let it out, nothing disturbed.

down the stairs, holding the banister, counting the steps, feeling the edges with my toes,
down, down to the smooth wood floor, my stocking feet muffle my steps.
onto the kitchen tile, thinking of summer, when the cool tiles are smooth on my bare feet.
making my way to the tea kettle, feeling for the favorite cup, my ritual.
flipping on the light, whoa! the light snaps at my eyes. the tea brews.

i take the mug in hand and slowly step up the stairs with more confidence.
i cross the threshold into the red glow, dim, but comforting.
i sit in the soft leather chair, choose music and begin to wake and relax.
i put my feet up on the ottoman and lose the dull desire for sleep.
i see the light seep through the nooks of the curtains, dawn comes at last!


lady gaga and my mania

i’m sitting at my desk trying to be patient, waiting for the pain meds to kick in. i had surgery on my left hand a couple of weeks ago. i just took a long nap and missed my the time when i was supposed take my percoset, by an hour. my mind wanders back in time to 10 years ago? maybe not that long. i can’t remember.

i was sitting in the room my husband and i share, my half was my “studio” and half was his gaming room. it was 3am, the loneliest time of night. peter (husband) pushed the door open gently, so as not to frighten me (anything unexpected could throw me into a panic attack). and asked me to turn down lady gaga. i hate lady gaga, but alone with my mania and anxiety, she seemed like the door to a party, another thing i hate. but it seemed like the thing i desperately needed. action! people everywhere, loud music, coke all lined up and an imaginary drink in my hand

i hadn’t taken my meds for at least a week. everything was out of control. i stayed up all night drawing, drawing with colored pencils. pages and pages of partially¬†finished drawings lay in piles on the floor, all around my desk. i was sweaty and i hadn’t changed my clothes in days. i gritted my teeth and pressed down so hard on the pencils that the sharpened tips broke off over and over.

his eyes were squinty and he shivered in just his boxers.he asked me if i was ok. i didn’t know if i should laugh, scream, or cry.