abstract, anxiety, art, art therapy, artist, black and white, fun art, insomnia, pen and ink, traditional art

Inktober!

It’s now day 11 of Inktober. The goal is to make an ink drawing everyday of October. These are the first 10, I’ll be drawing the 11th, today.

I’m manic as hell, so a number of these were drawn through the course of the night.

Enjoy!xl

abstract, art, art therapy, bipolar, black and white, chronic illness, chronic pain, depression, disabled, fibromyalgia, illness, insomnia, mania, mental illness, pen and ink, psychedelic, spinal stenosis

“3 am”

3am

A couple of nights ago a panic attack woke up at 3 am. Í think i had the attack because I was in a lot of pain and that made my mind flip out. I got up because I was wide awake and anxious as hell. 

I sat at the dining room table from 3 am until 8 am when it was finished. 

This is just line art so it doesn’t look that exciting, but I enjoyed it so much that I am making another one that is larger and has a lot of filling in and highlighting. Stay tuned!
Sleep well WordPressers!

anxiety, bipolar, chronic illness, depression, fatigue, fibromyalgia, health, illness, insomnia, mania, mental illness, psychiatry, spinal stenosis, stress relief

group (therapy)

i used to go to group, but then something horrible happened there and i stopped going.  the thing that happened…oh wait, i signed a document saying i am not supposed to talk about what anybody says in group. i guess you’ll just have to not know! my psychiatrist has been nagging me to go group for, literally, years.

about a month ago i decided try to do something about getting myself out of the hole i was hiding, and torturing myself while i was there. had been like that…bad anxiety, depression, both manic and depressive episodes (mixed episodes), not sleeping much, eating badly, and on and on  for a very long time.

at that time i started to go to group again. it’s been very helpful at getting myself out of the house. we talk, and and relate with each other and cry. we usually end doing something mindful, like guided mediation, to settle ourselves down from a taxing hour.

i’m able to go to group because it’s totally free form. you can show up or leave while it’s going on. sometimes i just sit and doodle, listening. sometimes it’s two people, sometimes it’s 10.

i need all the help my medical team can give me! i see my pain doctor tomorrow.

have a great evening!

anxiety, insomnia, Life, writing

another post from the past,1/15/15

we were in amsterdam, arriving 6am. the hotel wouldn’t let us leave our luggage before 3pm. our luggage needed a hotel. our luggage couldn’t get a hotel, so we had to drag it around with us. drag drag drag a dead weight.

when we were in edinburgh we saw a japanese man pull another man in a chair, with his balls.his friend put milk in his mouth and made it come out of his tear ducts. they were the Tokyo Shock Boys. shocking indeed.

not only that. i did other things in secret. identity theft, i think someone stole my identity. i don’t really want it back. my back is incredibly itchy, could it be the poison ivy i’ve be spending my nights in? i thought i wasn’t allergic. they laughed when i told them her breed. they didn’t think it was true.

what do we know is true? nothing. no question there, just questions everywhere. i hum tunes when i’m thinking and when i’m freaking out not anywhere, no i won’t go. not the police again. but then, they might have been security guards for all i know. i’ll never know. i don’t want to know.

abstract, anxiety, art, batman, bipolar, chronic illness, chronic pain, comics, depression, dog, drawing, drugs, fibromyalgia, insomnia, mania, medical marijuana, mental illness, oakland california

still manic, still manic, still manic

i spent my day feeling too jumped up, a lot like being on meth. yes, i know a lot about being on meth. oh boy, i’ve never said that in public before. so yeah, i wish manic was like being on coke, but unfortunately it’s like being on meth.

i ate a big dinner which i am regretting because i haven’t been eating much so i feel bloated and gross. sometimes being really hungry for a couple of days makes me feel so clean inside. no, i’m not anorexic. my moods just throw me around a lot, and i’ve got that and all the meds i take and the fibromyalgia and spinal stenosis, and a nasty childhood all contribute to making me do, and feel, and act a little strange…a lot strange…  i do things that don’t make sense some of the time. i got hooked on meth because i was so depressed and it made me feel so much better, that i kept using it. untold energy, no appetite, no need for sleep, elevated mood, euphoria. sounds like being manic, too.  ahhh and delusions of grandeur, i hope i don’t get those, but maybe i’m not bill gates.LOL

i went to the comic book store today. alex the comic book guy was there, of course he was there, it’s his shop. hehehe actually, the only day i’m sure he is working in the shop is tuesdays, so i go about every other tuesday. he’s a cutie, deep, and really smart. not to mention he’s an incredible authority on comics! i bought two issues of batman all star, the rebirth reboot. i got an issue of jessica jones, but i really didn’t like the way it looked. bummer. i still don’t have money, so that’s all i got. i went to starbucks and only got an iced tea, but a cake pop was calling my name. but i averted my eyes and asked for no sweetener in my passion tea.

it was a gorgeous spring day, first one we’ve had this year. i actually drove around with the windows down in my car. a rare thing. i like to listen to music in the car, not wind noise. i am 100% out of mmj. i scraped up every bit, i used the kief in the bottom of the grinder. i am DRY. i hope it’s nice tomorrow because i’ll be driving up to Oakland to go to my dispensary. i call it “my dispensary” as though i owned it. it’s just mine cause it’s the one i’ve chosen to give all my business to.

i saw my psychiatrist today and she thought i might be manic partly because over the last couple days it got to be full blown and that when i had little or no marijuana. we adjusted the meds to, not take ritalin (that’s a no brainer), and to take less wellbutrin because it’s activating.

i saw a woman come home and greet her dog, who had been home alone all day, and they were both so happy to see each other. that’s the kind of thing that really makes me feel good.

Ant_Hills_by_merpagigglesnort

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

abstract, anxiety, art, black and white, depression, drawing, fibromyalgia, illness, insomnia, mania, mental illness, religion

manic manic manic

i am so wide awake and it’s about 1:30am where i live. i’m out of marijuana. bad news! so i’m hurting more than i should and am more anxious than i should be. this is only the second time since i’ve been a mmj patient that i’ve actually run out entirely. i can get more tomorrow, shwew! i keep turning to the bong and start to pick it up, then realize it’s useless since i don’t have anything to put in it. i’ve been worrying about this for a week. eep!

i have a new painting to post but i thought i took pictures of it this morning, actually i did take them but when i was going to edit them, i realized they were a total fail. there were pictures of my hand, my shoe, the pavement, the door mat, the corner of the painting. doh! i have to wait until there’s some natural light. i used to try to take pictures of art in indoor lighting and the colors just aren’t right. even though i’me excited about this painting, i will wait until it’s fully light to take any pictures.

i have a cut on my toe that hurts like hell. shall we  go into full stream of consciousness!?

van morrison, gloria G L O R I A he’s going to shout it all night long! i’ve got all kinds of  tics and taps. that’s the mania. my shirt isn’t as clean as it could be. no worries though, no one is going to see it. i go to see dr. R tomorrow. i have something to yell at her about, srsly. it stems from  unpleasantness in the household. toe toe toe toe toe it’s easy to type. so is fuck fuck fuck. toe toe toe someone on instagram did an art trade with me and her little framed painting is hanging on the wall in front of me. we talked online pretty frequently i’d call her a friend i guess, or at least i would have, but she disappeared. dammit, why to people do that? stupid of me to say that because i’ve done it many times. still, when other people do it, i don’t like it.

i’m alright. i’m hanging in there, as i always say. the bread we have isn’t the sort of bread you’d want to put fried eggs on. that’s my favorite way to eat fried eggs, balanced on a piece of toast. what we have is cinnamon raisin which is super tasty, but icky with eggs. i mean, maybe the bread would be good as toast on the side, but with the eggs on it, it’s a no-go. toe toe toe

jesus, mary, and joseph i ‘m not tired! that’s a little phrase my dad used to say that my grandfather said and and my great grandfather. the latter two went to church and believed in god. still, they said it. probably because it’s rather catholic and my middle american family was very protestant and viewed catholicism as high church and they were low church. when you ask people what religion they are, they never say protestant or catholic or southern baptist, presbyterian, church of god in christ, on and on. now they just say they’re christians. i just don’t  know about religion. i don’t like organized religion, i know too much about history to ever believe in or condone it. i know that christianity spent a lot of time killing people, or people in it’s name, torturing, ostracism, rules and dogma, kicking out, indoctrination, punishment, misogyny, close mindedness

i didn’t intend to write about that!

here, have an elephant monster. don’t get me wrong, i love elephants. but this one is clearly a monster, don’t you think? white gel pen. tricky thing, that.  maybe i’ll write another post in 30 seconds. who knows?

elephant_monster

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

art, comics, Entertainment, feelings, goodnight, insomnia, Life, Uncategorized

“Tablet Time”

Today I am having incredibly hard time concentrating. I work on a acrylic painting, i fool around with alcohol inks on Yupo.i started to write in my journal 5 times! I edit some photos.

The cleaning people ring the doorbell! Gasp!!! They always text me first! I guess they forgot. You should have seen the look on their faces when they saw the look on my face! My eyes bugged out, I literally gasped and put my hand over my mouth. They were laughing so hard, it was obvious that I was shocked to see them! I let them in and they did their thing (they do a really good job!).they come every other Friday, so it’s easy to get confused.

In a little while one of my favorite places called, Treasure Island Comics. They had the comic I ordered last week came in. It’s called “The Maxx.” Anybody remember Liquid Television on MTV? it was back in the day, mid 80’s, when they actually played videos! That was when having cable TV was fairly rare and very exciting. I was in high school then. My friends and I all gathered at our buddy, Joanie’s house (they had cable!) to watch Live Aid.

As you can tell, I go from one random subject to another. Anyway, I went there and got home. the cleaning people were still there, so I started writing this. I’m listening to Dire Straits on earphones. Ahhhh….Mark Knofler’s guitar!!!

Now, on to tablet time. My husband is an introvert and I am an extrovert. So I feel like I don’t get enough attention and he he feels overwhelmed by my intensity. I’m alone all day and since he’s an engineer, his job is more intense than I am! Our evenings are usually nice but sometimes it can be tense occasionally.

Tablet time is a way for us to spend, really personal, quality time together. I look forward to it everyday.we get ready for bed and play with our tablets. A lot of the time it’s just relaxed conversation, something I crave all the time. We share things we find online, discuss our respective books, on and on.

After a while we decide to go to sleep. I feel chill and relaxed. Lucky for me,i fall asleep almost instantly. Unfortunately, I wake up at 4am or 5am most days. Tablet time starts at midnight. I don’t get much sleep. it doesn’t bother me much.

Have an awesome weekend! Any plans? I’m going to read my new comicbook, surely I will work on art projects, and go the movies! 😘