blogging, chronic illness, comics, depression, diabetes, disabled, drugs, fibromyalgia, h.r. giger, illness, medicine, Movies, spinal stenosis

update on the state of my mind

i heard an audioslave song, one of my favorites, on a grunge station and i choked up, got tears in my eyes. i keep wondering what chris cornell was thinking during that time between the show, alone in his hotel room, to hanging himself. what pushed him over the edge? all these years i’ve seen interviews with  him and he always seemed so thoughtful and intelligent. i have depression too (i’m bipolar), so i can imagine those feelings pretty clearly. i understand being able to play a show without anyone knowing that you’re feeling like you just can’t make it anymore. (not that i’ve ever played a rock show in front of thousands, but i have had to put an “i’m normal and happy” face when i had to. he had to a lot.  i know you can hide even the worst feelings.  i feel for him so bad. i wish i could have talked to him in that time between the show and his suicide. i don’t know if i could have helped at all, but it seems like if there had been someone there, who got how he felt, it might have gone differently. although, someone who wants to die enough to actually do it, will do it sometime, no matter what you do. i just wish and wish and wish it hadn’t happened. i try to hear it in his voice, when he sings, and i think i might.

i’ve had a lot of pain these past few days. it’s my back i think. that and my knees. the injections in my knees have worn off. you’re usually supposed to get the injections twice a year. you get them in your knee joint (or in this case knees).  you take them in three set sets, both knees each week for three consecutive weeks.

the last time i got them was a year and a half ago. i was having problems with my legs because of my spinal stenosis. at first they thought it was diabetic (yup, got that too) neuropathy, but then decided my symptoms didn’t fit. i was also seeing many doctors on the way to being diagnosed with fibromyalgia. in the middle of all of this, i got two sets of the arthritis injections (the medicine is called Synvisc) and each time my legs became incredibly painful. i figured it was the shots, since it happened each time i got them. i refused the third set (but it still worked for all that time!).  the pain was insane. the second time i ended up screaming and going to the hospital in an ambulance. the EMT gave me iv fentanyl . the pain was still intense, but it made me stop screaming. at the hospital they gave me a couple of shot of dilaudid and that did the trick. they sent me home and the pain went down a lot, but was still feeling too bad to function. it was like that for several days. i don’t know how i got up the stairs but i didn’t go down for 3 days. the staircase was impossible. sitting down on the toilet made me cry out from having to bend my legs.

so! it’s time for synvisc again and i’m fucking terrified. but the knee pain it too bad to live with forever, or even much longer now. i have to try sometime! eep. gasp. panic.

i’m doing something that might be smart, or it might be stupid as hell. i’m getting the one shot synvisc injection. you get all three sets in one injection. it’s 3x as much medicine as i’ve been getting spread over three weeks. the doctor says things like, there will be a great deal of pressure. and the nurse says, the reason not very many people get the synvisc one is because of the pain.

the medicine is thick and the surgeon puts a hypodermic needle that seems like it’s a foot long into the center of your knee joint. it hurts. a lot. but i could deal with it, i’ve been through a lot of pain over the years, so i was ok. but i’m scared about this one. will it be three times worse? i can’t imagine that. the only anesthetic they use is lidocane on the skin where the needle goes in. it doesn’t do shit and it hurts like hell when she puts it on, burning cold. beyond that, and more importantly, than that is the aftermath. will it be 3x worse? i can’t imagine that either.

i decided have the one time shot so that i wouldn’t have to go through the pain afterwards 3x. fear fear fear.  i have a lot of trouble with mental pain, but physical pain is usually something i feel very brave about. but this time is scary.

my tablet died. i finished orange is the new black and it was sooooooo super good. i can’t wait for the upcoming season. my new show is breaking bad. i missed it when it was so popular and i hear so many people say they loved it, i have to watch it. i want to watch better call saul, too, so i thought i’d better watch breaking bad first. i’m reading a superman comic called “secret identity.” it’s a little different than a superman comic we’re all familiar with. it starts with a kid whose parents’ last name was kent. they thought it would be a laugh riot to name him clark.  he’s the laughing stock of the town. but things change. i’ve only read the first couple of issues within the trade paperback. but already he’s developing superpowers that he keeps as a closely guarded secret, hence the title.

i saw Aliens: Covenant yesterday. a lot of the movies at my favorite theater play before noon. all of the movies before noon are half price! so i saw it at 11:30am. it wasn’t very  good. but that’s not to say i didn’t enjoy it. there were some jump out of your seat moments,  and some interesting new additions, but a lot of it was the same thing i’ve seen in all the aliens movies. people see pods and get right over them and look in, well surprise! an alien jumps out and plasters itself to their face. that never happens in an aliens movie! there were running down tunnels or hallways that are sealed and the person running gets locked in with the monster.  that’s an old aliens favorite. it was fun to watch, especially if you’re a die hard aliens fan, like me. one of the things that bothers me the most is that there isn’t any Giger art. i know why, he always battled makers of aliens, maybe ridley scott, or who knows else, used his art for almost nothing and i think they even used things of his after he left the job because they were screwing him over. (this might be quite flawed, but i saw a documentary about giger and that’s what i remember.) i know he was very bitter about it. in this film there were a couple of piles of drawings that you see that look or are giger’s work, but there are vast areas of things like columns with nothing on them when i can imagine them covered with carved giger art.

that’s about it for now, but i think that’s more than enough!

bye!

 

art, bipolar, blogging, chronic illness, comics, depression, Life, texture

My week.

I was very depressed yesterday because of Chris Cornell’s death. I still can’t listen to Soundgarden or Audioslave, I’m afraid it would upset me more than i”‘m willing to go through right now.

My own depression is bad, my pain is difficult and I have something new to be afraid of. It”s a procedure that is going to be very painful.

I’ve been reading comic books like crazy! I found trade paperbacks aka graphic novels, aka comic books that are collections of quite a few single issues collected in one volume used which are half off the price listed on the book. Comic books are really expensive, so it”s a great find. They have a good selection of older Batman books.

I can”t wait for the Wonder Woman movie to come out and The Defenders on Netflix!
I enjoyed seeing whatever that King Arthur movie is called. I enjoyed it because Charlie Hunnam was the star. I have a big crush on him, from watching 7 seasons of Sons of Anarchy. The plot was all over the place, i didn’t relate or sympathize with any one, there was no character development, and even though it was fantasy, it still seemed like it was wildly unbelievable (not in a good way!).

I am trying to ignore what’s going on in my country. I live in a little bubble . Trump is ruining everything. Photos of him make me sick. So I tune it all out. I like to stay up late and close up everything…all the curtains and blinds. paranoid, maybe. Great need for privacy.

My neighbor complained about my dog’s barking. I don’t blame him, it’s a pain in the ass! I have to figure out how to shut the dog up!

I painted yesterday and today. It felt good,

I hope you have a creative weekend!

anxiety, bipolar, child abuse, depression, drugs, mania, mental illness, substance abuse

no more wire hangers 3

is anyone getting the titles of the posts in this series?

my mother knew she had mental illness issues, but she refused to see a psychiatrist or a therapist. we convinced her to go to a couple therapists to find one she felt she could talk with. she went to meet two and her excuses for not going was that she was sure one had ulterior motives and the other had an office that made her anxious.

when i had panic attacks growing up (we didn’t know that’s what they were at the time) she got angry at me. in retrospect i think it was it was because she was scared when she saw me going through that. i’ve seen her have panic attacks and oh boy have i seen her anxious.she was afraid that somewhere inside her was me. she didn’t want to  go through what i went through with my depression and mania. two psychiatrists told me, after long talks about my mother, that she was bipolar, too. i’m not surprised, but having a doctor say it shed light on things and made me feel validated

she even self medicated, like i did. she was obsessed with this shitty white wine. she drank glass after glass all evening while she watched courtroom dramas and true crime shows. after i went to university she bought a new house that she has since defaulted on. the house was a gorgeous Victorian in downtown St. Louis. it was in a neighborhood that was transitioning from a gutted ghetto into lovely restored houses. good old gentrification. her house was already transformed when she bought it.  it was gorgeous but it had three stories. she usually watched tv and drank in a family room on the second floor and also in her bedroom on the third floor. guess who had to fetch the wine?

drinking was her second drug of choice, the first  was nicotine.  by now, she will have smoked almost 60 years, two or more packs a day. she was a professional smoker. she chain smoked 24/7. she drowned her sorrows in wine, cigarettes, and taking it all out on me.

i’ve already said i’m a recovering alcoholic, i’ve been clean for 15 years. when i went home to visit (my dad lived in St. Louis and i was tied to my mother by a mental bond i had to fight to break, so i still kept coming back. she encouraged me to drink. she prepared by laying in a supply of beer, gin (she had cocktails after work, too; gin and tonics…one or two) champagne and vodka plus a few bottles of decent wine for dinners. she encouraged me to drink. pushed me to drink. i  jumped back into the hole of drunkenness to avoid having to deal with her. i can’t  put it all off on my. i was thrilled to have time away from my husband so i could drink my fill. i had to be very honest with him to keep our relationship working well and i wanted both he and I to be happy. i made the decisions to drink the alcohol she bought, but it was damned hard, too hard. i embraced it.

hangovers were hell so my mother gave me a bottle of codeine to use to take them away. i took a few in the morning. went back to sleep, woke and puked, went back to sleep and got up feeling pretty good.

we went out drinking too. she liked to show off my tattoos and piercings when we were bar hopping, hoping to look cool. at home she hated the tattoos.

Mommy Dearest.

bipolar, child abuse, depression, mental illness, writing

no more wire hangers!

day before yesterday, i got a card in the mail from my mother. it shook me to the bone. i haven’t had any communication in with her in 10 years, my choice. she was abusive, cruel,  a chronic liar, bipolar (not something to judge about, it’s just that i am too, and a combo of a bipolar parent raising a bipolar child is a disaster), OCD (same as bipolar no judgement on OCD, i have it too), a child of an abuser, alcoholic (me too), full of rage that came out all the time, and just plain mean.

as an adult i realized a lot of what i believed my whole life were lies. my mother told me that my dad still loved her (they divorced when i was 15) and that he told her he wanted he told me he hated her and felt like an abused spouse, and said they could have worked it out. what was i supposed to think of that??

then my father told me that my mother cheated consistently throughout their marriage and threw it in his face. i have always loved my father and wanted to be just like him when i grew up. when i found about that, i grieved for my father’s suffering. he’s a quiet, gentle man (he swears a lot though.  lol) how could i have not known? i lived with them both in a pretty suburban neighborhood. you could see the playground at my grade school from our house.  i thought we were the perfect family, honestly! i disassociated virtually everything about my mother, my father was great when he was around. our house was nice, my father was a university history professor and my mother taught at a high school.

i was confused my whole childhood and early adult years because neither my father nor i came clean about our life with her. she treated me nicely in front of him and they had raging fights that they hid from me.  she often said to me, we have such a great relationship, don’t we?! by the time of the divorce i knew things were seriously fucked up, i just didn’t know any of the specifics. when she said our relation ship was awesome i had to answer yes with glee or she would grab me by the shirt front, hold me up to her face and say, i know what you’re thinking, you think i’m a bitch, don’t you, don’t you? i had to agree with everything she said or boom, rage, screaming in my face. i still have have the feeling she can read my mind, even though i knew it’s not true.

i’m going to stop for now, i’m not staying on topic or putting things and order or whatever i should have done.

back to the card for a moment. her hand writing is beautiful, unmistakable.  i hadn’t looked at the return address and when i opened the card i saw the writing and the words, repair our relationship and threw it away immediately. i thought i was going to be sick. 10 years i’ve been trying to pretend she wasn’t alive and then i get this bullshit. i see my psychiatrist on Tuesday, so we can work through it.

this has been hard to write and i have so much more to say, but i’ll put it in chunks so i can handle it and so you don’t have to read a huge block of text!

i don’t think many people blog openly about child abuse, and i’ve never talked much about it to anyone  but my husband, my shrink, and my dad. i’ve told a few people that i hate her and didn’t explain. so here it is, at least some of it.

child abuse is something you never get over and for me,  it ruined a lot of my life.

anxiety, bipolar, depression, writing

Tid-bit of Trauma from the past

the homeowner’s association sent two men to look at the leak in the roof. i was the only one home and having strangers in the house, even when my husband was home, scared the crap out of me. rain was predicted for the following day so we HAD to have them take care of the problem right away.

by the time they got there i was already a panicky mess. they pulled up in the driveway and got out of a really ratty station wagon. i had expected a truck with a roofer’s logo and workmen in uniforms with their names embroidered over the pocket.

i ran down the stairs with a lump in my throat and let them in. they started going upstairs after muttering something. i started to hyperventilate. they carried a ladder in, opened the door to the attic, which was in the ceiling, and climbed up.

i dashed into the computer room and shut my eyes repeating “it’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok…” over and over under my breath. when i opened my eyes, a couple of minutes later, the ladder was gone!!!! the attic door was shut. their car was still in the driveway.

i heard them walking around above me, in the attic. i felt like i’d been punched in the gut. i grabbed my phone and called my huz. when he answered i was already babbling, sobbing high-pitched hysteria. he tried to calm me down, but it was hopeless. i begged him to come home. he agreed and i went and curled up in the bedroom closet.

when he finally got home he found me there with my hands over my ears. he told me they’d been on the roof all the time i thought they were in the attic. he sent them on their way and hugged me tight.

abstract, art, bipolar, depression, drawing, mania, medical marijuana, psychedelic, trippy

My furious toe.

Some shit head from the ASPCA called me to ask for $$$$, I thought they were hitting members up for money. He kept telling me facts. I asked if he knew I was a member ALREADY. no? then STOP trying to convince me to join! Since he kept reading his script as fast as he could. I said stop talking! But he kept going so I hung up. I never talk to people I don’t know unless they’re something like workmen, doctor’s offices, the pharmacy etc. I was totally stoned, so I had a weird chat with the silly man who did care if i was a monkey or a bot, or someone who actually financially supported the cause he didn’t give a damn about.

I was so stoned because my angry toe is furious. The doctor I saw about it, the split in my toe that won’t heal, was worried because it hurts so much and because i’m diabetic. She prescribed antibiotics. she told me to put antibiotic ointment on it and leave it uncovered. Ha! She should try walking around with a painful open wound just hanging out, waiting to get bumped and I dunno, the problem is dry skin, it’s not like I need to work to keep it open and dry! Right now it’s hurting worse than my back is.

STILL manic!

Thank goodness for pot! Extra NSAIDs , ice, and medical mj make it bearable. I feel disconnected from my toe. lol yay!  I’m listening to a radio station playing ’80s goth music. My youth! At that time punk and goth weren’t so far apart, at least here in the U.S. It’s strange to hear this music in this context. It makes me think of drinking beer in rooms full of inscence smoke and groups of angsty teenagers listening to Bauhaus and the Cure, Ministry, Skinny Puppy, Joy Division.

I didn’t  paint or even doodle a line or two today. Not good.

I went grocery shopping! Omg they packed the bags heavy and the store was huge. At least it wasn’t busy. All that walking on the furious toe and the painful everything else made me wonder if it had been a good idea. when I got home I started spending the afternoon and evening with a giant flare.

Ummm…..Something good today? I read a lot of a Daredevil comic. I didn’t like the crappy paper,and it had a drawing style that I wasn’t into at first, but I like the writing and now the art, too. It’s set in the same time and place as the show and the Kingpin is the bad guy, but the story is very very different. It’s more bleak and cruel. I’m about 2\3 of the way through.

I slept well last night! I went to bed at the same time as huz and dog, wore the CPAP mask. I slept until 6am. But being careful like that didn’t make things go better today. That’s a grim thought. I ate badly today. Ugh.  Let’s hope tomorrow is better.

checkered_past__study_for_a_larger_drawing

 

 

 

 

anxiety, chronic pain, comics, corgi, dachshund, depression, diabetes, disabled, dog, dogs, dorgi, fibromyalgia, oakland california, pets, pictures

My angry toe.

I am having a difficult time today because my pain has been bad. I have a decent size split in my big toe. It has something to do with dry skin, but it seemed like it was much better since I was getting pedicures and doing the lotion and socks thing regularly. Now it’s open and slightly bloody. it doesn’t seem red or swollen. It’s throbbing and is super ouchy to walk on. Good thing I already use a cane!

The part that worries me is that I’m diabetic and this is a cut on my toe that hasn’t healed. I don’t have diabetic neuropathy, but if I did, I might get wounds on my feet that I wouldn’t feel until they were in really bad shape. It can lead to foot or leg amputation. You have to have regular tests, very simple, that check to make sure you have feeling on the bottoms of your feet to avoid all that. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow, just to be sure. That, and because it hurts so damn bad.

I went to the dispensary at last!!! I bought good stuff, buds and pre rolled joints (actually, cones). I smoked one of those joints when I got home. Such pain relief and relaxation, huge improvement in my mood, too. I managed keep my munchies to fruit. I smoke now and then, actually most of the time when i’m hurting this much.

I walked Mackie a bit since I was feeling better and being outside in the bright warm sun was joyous.
We played more inside. Mackie barked his happy bark several times. I answered him and we had tehe most bonding happy dance!

mackie_rolling_in_the_grass

 

I ordered a wonder woman comic as well as a volume of daredevil and a one of the most recent justice league books and the sandals that I lost one of (how the fuck can I have done that??!!),again. That’s a testament to how much I like them! They were going to be my all the time shoes.

addidas sandals

I got dropped from my car insurance after getting in two accidents on a week. I don’t think that will ever be funny.

dent in hood

The drive to Oakland, home of Harborside Health Center, was nice. It’s the only place I can go on the freeway without having a panic attack. it’s a 40 mile drive from here! I’ve done it so many and been so scared that I’ve conquered it! But I can’t get off course at all ever. lol

Have a great night!🐸