bipolar, child abuse, depression, mental illness, writing

no more wire hangers!

day before yesterday, i got a card in the mail from my mother. it shook me to the bone. i haven’t had any communication in with her in 10 years, my choice. she was abusive, cruel,  a chronic liar, bipolar (not something to judge about, it’s just that i am too, and a combo of a bipolar parent raising a bipolar child is a disaster), OCD (same as bipolar no judgement on OCD, i have it too), a child of an abuser, alcoholic (me too), full of rage that came out all the time, and just plain mean.

as an adult i realized a lot of what i believed my whole life were lies. my mother told me that my dad still loved her (they divorced when i was 15) and that he told her he wanted he told me he hated her and felt like an abused spouse, and said they could have worked it out. what was i supposed to think of that??

then my father told me that my mother cheated consistently throughout their marriage and threw it in his face. i have always loved my father and wanted to be just like him when i grew up. when i found about that, i grieved for my father’s suffering. he’s a quiet, gentle man (he swears a lot though.  lol) how could i have not known? i lived with them both in a pretty suburban neighborhood. you could see the playground at my grade school from our house.  i thought we were the perfect family, honestly! i disassociated virtually everything about my mother, my father was great when he was around. our house was nice, my father was a university history professor and my mother taught at a high school.

i was confused my whole childhood and early adult years because neither my father nor i came clean about our life with her. she treated me nicely in front of him and they had raging fights that they hid from me.  she often said to me, we have such a great relationship, don’t we?! by the time of the divorce i knew things were seriously fucked up, i just didn’t know any of the specifics. when she said our relation ship was awesome i had to answer yes with glee or she would grab me by the shirt front, hold me up to her face and say, i know what you’re thinking, you think i’m a bitch, don’t you, don’t you? i had to agree with everything she said or boom, rage, screaming in my face. i still have have the feeling she can read my mind, even though i knew it’s not true.

i’m going to stop for now, i’m not staying on topic or putting things and order or whatever i should have done.

back to the card for a moment. her hand writing is beautiful, unmistakable.  i hadn’t looked at the return address and when i opened the card i saw the writing and the words, repair our relationship and threw it away immediately. i thought i was going to be sick. 10 years i’ve been trying to pretend she wasn’t alive and then i get this bullshit. i see my psychiatrist on Tuesday, so we can work through it.

this has been hard to write and i have so much more to say, but i’ll put it in chunks so i can handle it and so you don’t have to read a huge block of text!

i don’t think many people blog openly about child abuse, and i’ve never talked much about it to anyone  but my husband, my shrink, and my dad. i’ve told a few people that i hate her and didn’t explain. so here it is, at least some of it.

child abuse is something you never get over and for me,  it ruined a lot of my life.

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7 thoughts on “no more wire hangers!”

  1. I am so sorry, and not in a pity kind of way. Having a very fudged up childhood myself, I can somewhat understand. I haven’t been reached out to but, I have thought a lot about what I would do if either of them found me and reached out to me. I hope I am not crossing a line here but, I would grab the card from the trash if possible and read it. 10 years is a long time. A lot can happen. Maybe don’t read the whole thing right away and just set it aside for when you are braced enough for it. Good luck working through it! I really wish you the best with this very difficult situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks very much for your comment. You know, I actually did stick my hand into the trash but couldn’t handle it. I can never repair things. So many things have happened even when I was an adult. It took me until I was 35. I’ll explain more in my next post.

      I’m very sorry you had a bad childhood, too.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Referring to my previous comment, you probably won’t believe this but, I just got found and reached out to by my mother, too. I know what i am going to do… I just need time to let it soak in and ready myself before I proceed. Years of prep just isn’t enough.

        This is such a coincidence, I just had to share with you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you. It is a shock and not of the good variety. I will keep her at a good distance. First, things that can be set straight need to be and trust needs to be earned. It’s going to be a ton of work for all of us.

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  2. I once read a letter from my ex mother-in-law that I pulled from the trash. It was a mistake. Her claims of wanting to repair the relationship were just a prelude to bashing me on everything from my housekeeping to my skills as a mother. It was a vicious, hurtful missive and I’d have been better off having never taken it back from where it belonged. The garbage can.

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  3. You get my deepest sympathies. A horrible thing to happen and be forced to deal with. I was abused continually by my Dad and it’s now 12 years since we last spoke. He’s totally dead to me, the source of a great many of my problems, hang ups and issues. I do have occasional nightmares which have him writing or turning up out the blue on my doorstep. Thing was, he had countless chances to make amends or admit he was wrong and never bothered so even in my mid 30’s he remained unrepentant and unapologetic thinking he never did anything wrong. Pure poison I was glad to get rid of and the weirdest thing is, my brother – who was always close to him – has also disowned him in the last 2 years – any mention of my Dad gets a very hostile reaction from him. It’s weird… my brother got ALL the love and I got none, yet that imbalance has caused both my brother and I to be “damaged” and eventually giving our Dad the finger.

    Some things are best left in the past and just walk away and move on from. Of course it’s not as easy when it’s family members but needs must.

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