on saturday i saw them laughing and i felt good. sometimes they laugh and it’s more empty than alive. but not this time, they were acting like they were in their own world. that was good enough.
when i laugh i cover my teeth. my teeth are an ongoing issue. piercings breaking teeth, dentist driving me away. i remember ellie’s teeth were hideous because of all the cigarette smoking. because is a common term. i did this because of that and that because of this, and so on. we all have motives. so we have beacauses.
we have a lot of sometimes, too. becauses and sometimes. do they make us any less vulnerable or angry? when i go outside with him on the leash and every window full of eyes i feel rage. my rage is so big it swallows all the becauses. they don’t matter in the light of all those built up beliefs.
my relationship with my mind is like a drug user and a mystery drug. the user wants, the drug could be anything and the user still wants it. something happens to the user, but who knows what? they know, but will never tell. i want something to quiet my mind. my mind throws a mystery drug to me, be it anxiety, anger, confusion, destruction, and i let it hit me.
what else could i do?
Update: I got my teeth fixed!!!!