anxiety, bipolar, chronic illness, comics, fatigue, fibromyalgia

the lie or the cold shoulder

today when i went to get my coffee the clerk asked how my day was going. i couldn’t help but answer with the truth i told him i was really really tired. he asked why and i told him, i have this disease and it makes me tired. how long have you been sick? it was clear he thought it was a cold or flu. i was embarrassed that i said it to a total stranger.  i just mumbled that i had a disease that was forever. there! i said it in public, even if i did mutter it!

it’s so hard to deal with situations like this. one option would have been to just say, oh i’m fine, thanks. that’s what i say when i’m nervous, or i’m actually doing really badly. i hate it. why does everyone have to ask. sometimes if it’s an internet person that i only know a little i say, do you want to know the truth or do you just want to hear i’m fine? i suppose that’s kind of rude, but that’s exactly how i feel. if you must ask how i am, be prepared for a lot of complaining or the cold shoulder.

sometimes i wish i didn’t have an invisible illness, that i had something you could see, or at least something people know about, but who knows anything about fibromyalgia? spinal stenosis is even worse. even fewer  people know what the hell that is. it’s not as invisible as fibro. i limp and walk with a cane. but the pain in my back and those awful flu-like symptoms of fibromyalgia don’t show, not does the awful nerve pain in my legs, not to mention the arthritis in my knees which doesn’t really affect my walking, it just hurts a lot.

i really wanted to explain fatigue to the guy i bought coffee from. of course he’d never get it, and in truth, i’d never actually say it, but it’s tempting. fatigue motherfucker, try it sometime! sometimes when i’m getting into to bed, for a nap,  or for the night, i have to sort out the covers, arrange the dog. get myself comfortable, etc. part way through all that, i’m hit with a flare of fatigue. i just fall back on the bed, none of those things done, i was just overwhelmed by frightening tiredness. sometimes i want to cry when i feel like that, but i’m too fatigued to even do that. i just laying bed for a little while and slip into sleep very easily.

i want to look fuss with my tablet and maybe even watch some Arrow, but my arms hurt too badly to hold it up. i have to sit at a table to do it. sitting up at a table or desk is hardly  comfortable with my ouchy back and hips.

i’m almost desperate to communicate. my sweet  husband is a very quiet introvert, he really doesn’t like hearing about things like my chatter when i’m nervous, or manic like right now. he’s not like my best friend; we don’t sit around and discuss problems or advice or support. his favorite thing right now is Planet Money podcasts. i shouldn’t complain, but sometimes i wish for a warmer, fuzzier partner.

i read the the first volume of Wonder Woman in the rebirth series (DC). it was really good. in terms of the art, most of it was great, showing her as the Amazon she is, tall, ready to fight at anytime. her costume is a little more stable, lol, it doesn’t look like her boobs are about to fall out at any moment and you wonder, how can she fight with a metal bustier on? she has a regular human lover! she’s been with Superman in the past, but this is intriguing and new.  the thing that i liked in every drawing of her was her hair. they (there are different issues by different artists contained in the volume i was reading.) all drew her with gorgeous flying and floating and curling hair in a great wavy, black and massive mane. i wish my hair looked like that! 🙂

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3 thoughts on “the lie or the cold shoulder”

  1. Sometimes to hear yourself say things to the “public” makes it all become real and just not in your head. Like what happens at aa meetings…”hello…my name is ….and I’m an alcoholic.” Getting it out makes it real.
    Hugs <— but don't tell the hubby. Lol

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are so right! I should learn to be more open about it. Everyone talks about advocacy and awareness for invisible illnesses​, but I can’t do it if I won’t talk about it. The alcoholic​ example is really good. People recovering from alcoholism who go to meetings usually aren’t ashamed about it. I need to get rid of the lying! Hugs!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. One thing I’ve learnt over my life is that people are scared of THE TRUTH. I’ve disturbed a LOT of people who would ask how I am. It’s reminiscent of Peter Green’s immortal lines in “Oh Well” – “Don’t ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to…”

    If I’m having a crap day, I admit I’m feeling crap. Cue a look of shock and horror then a momentary pause of confusion. Most people ask “how are you?” expecting a “positive” answer. I cannot lie. I don’t tell lies and acting out a lie is worse than telling it. True, it’s much simpler to just fib and say “I’m fine” but I feel fraudulent. If they don’t like the answers I give then why ask me in the first place? It’s usually lesson one in the “learning about Baz” game… and unfortunately, most run away not to bother again. It indicates to me that they have a problem. If they can’t handle truth, that’s their problem, not mine!

    Liked by 1 person

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