anxiety, bipolar, disabled, feelings, fibromyalgia, Life, medicine


i usually get coffee, about 7:30. i get my coffee at 7-11. i can make better coffee at home, but i like getting up and going somewhere. the guy working smiled and greeted me, and i him. he knows i like the hazelnut coffee, so if it’s gone or not fresh he’ll make a pot for me as soon as he sees me. 🙂 so the coffee is always really hot and fresh. sometimes, ok, i’ll admit it, most of the the i get a donut, a chocolate long, bar shaped one. it has custard inside. ahhhhh…when i’m feeling strong about losing weight i don’t get a donut. yesterday and today i didn’t get one, yay! i sit in my car and eat my donut, drink my coffee and drive around or go  to a store and buy something under a dollar.

i never want to be around the house when people are getting ready. it makes me wonder what it would  be like to be able to take a shower makes me wonder what it would be like to look nice with my hair looking nice and jewelry on. it makes me want to be able to socialize with my co-workers and enjoy it.i’d love to have NO MEDICINE to take before, during, and after work.

i have a lot of things most people with jobs never have, good things. not working, can be as much a bad thing  as a good. you enjoy it for about the first six months and then you start to feel bored and useless. and you have to accept you’ll never work again. i was politely asked to go on disability. that was in 2000. gaaaaaaaaaaaaah i expected to be successful, not shuffled out the door. i felt like i was fired. i never dreamed that it could happen to me.

as i was saying i was there are bad things about working and i miss having to  have something to do with my life, but c’mon, i get up when i  feel like it, at least by the time my huz gets up when his alarm goes off. that’s at 8. when i worked we had to be there and bright and shiny, between  5:00am and 7:00am, depending on the schedule.i’ll never miss that job, except for the stock, but that’s an entirely different story.

now i  only have appointments like taking my dog to get his claws clipped, or for  my manicure, very very low stress.i don’t have to have short lunches where i run around and try to get errands done.i don’t have to deal with rush hour. i have a dog that’s getting older and i can take him out every two hours, i can’t imagine the poor thing shut out on our balcony having  having to wait desperately for 8-9 hours. he wouldn’t get enough  play or exercise.

weekends still excite me! i think TGIF! or have a good weekend or it’s gonna be great to have some time off. all my time is free time. the huz is home on the weekend.and i’m really glad about that!

mind you, that’s all great but i’m chronically ill. the only time i leave the house is that trip for coffee. i’m in pain, i have limited mobility, fatigue,  on and on.

so maybe i should say, i wish i had somewhere to go in the morning, to have a point to my day and be able to do a good job. but all that hinges on my being healthy. and i’m not.

but i try to make the best of it. i still do thing  things as though i was getting ready. but on fresh clothes, brush my hair or and do zillion things to my face, make sure my nails are ok; put on psoriasis cream, put lotion on my legs and feet. and then i have to carefully clean up after myself because we share the master bathroom double sinks and the huz is a nazi about that counter. it has to be completely bare except for our electric toothbrushes and some hand soap. i had to fight just to get the hand soap on there, too. jeez.

so, it’s complicated, and i think i won’t think about it anymore! Shame on you fibromyalgia, spinal stenosis, and diabetes. there is nothing good about any of you!



















4 thoughts on “snapshot”

  1. Interesting snapshot into your life. Hmm… I personally feel that weekends suck… when one is not so young, free and single, weekends accuentuate one’s loneliness. So I generally have an OFIF feeling!

    Being disabled sure sucks and being disabled in the UK is worse. It isn’t enough having to deal with and cope with disability but our wonderful Government think we’re all scroungers faking our conditions. I had to spend last year fighting against them to “prove” I was disabled to get the benefits I’m entitled to… I am unfortunately unemployable. The Government force you through a brutal process deliberately designed to belittle, betray and denigrate you. Worse, the media work with the Government and have been creating an anti-disabled people feeling as we’re made out to be scroungers. I did win my battle – a 11 month nightmare – but it took away a year of my life I can never get back and was the most stressful experience I have ever been through. Horrendous. Thankfully I knew where to look for advice. Unfortunately, most others don’t, lose their benefits and are then permanently bullied and harassed to get a job on the most pitiful benefits that sink them in debt… and nobody will employ them. Nasty business.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! I love details and love talking to people. I go on an on; I write steam of consciousness rambling. Buy you know that! Sometimes I wonder if people want to get away!

      Talking to you is good because we have actual conversation!
      🙂 I am very very lucky because my husband supports me and I’ve never dealt with the government about it.oh except for the handicapped parking placard.

      I can’t imagine how scary what you and other disabled people have to through, people who already are suffering and drag you though all these hoops. I would be angry, like you. You must be a very strong person, I respect you for making it through​.:-)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. It is good to write in a stream of consciousness way because like in a good conversation, you can end up finding out what you actually think about stuff you might not normally think about. Also, my own brain works in a bit of a collage like nature, so I always like randomness… I welcome it since I find structure can be stifling, not that my own music writings give that impression.

        I could write a book about how the disabled here are getting slaughtered by the Government’s nastiness and it is no wonder that the suicide and depression rates amongst the disabled and sick keep on rising. It did demand every ounce of inner strength I had to get through which I was hoping to use on like… getting myself better depression wise. It was strange since I had that battle and therapy going on simultaneously and I triumphed in them all but I’m still paying the price as ever since I won last October, I’ve been feeling permanently tired. It took everything out of me and I’m still trying to recover from it all. I am getting there, but it’s not easy. Oh, and the Government inflict these “tests” upon you every 2 or 3 years, and keep altering the rules to make it more impossible to win. I know when my number comes up again next time, if we still have Theresa May as Prime Minister, I will have zero chance of winning again. But I am preparing for that eventuality, spending this year trying to shake up my life in a variety of ways… the tiredness issue is holding me back, but I have determination!


  2. We sometimes get a hand dealt and we don’t want to play
    and sometimes we have no choice but to play
    Life no matter how you look at it is a double edged sword
    You just have to learn not to get cut
    Hang in there Ruthie
    It’s all chocolate and coffee
    And puppy dog tales
    As Sheldon Always


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