anxiety, chronic illness, diabetes, drugs, fatigue, feelings, food, illness, insulin, medicine

diabetes: eating fail

this morning it seems like l have to do a million things, one right after another, that required standing or walking. up  the stairs down the stairs, get dressed, brush teeth all that, went out to get coffee, up the stairs, take the dog out, upstairs, down stairs, do some dishes, etc, etc. i finally collapse at my desk chair guzzling coffee and juice.

guzzling juice is a big no no! my diabetes is still out of control, but it’s  getting better, slowly. i check my  blood sugar when i wake up and when i go to bed. i figure all the weight loss must help somehow! i’ve had diabetes since  i was 26, so 20 years  this year. when it first came on i  got DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) and was in the hospital for a week. pretty  scary!

when i first got out of the hospital  i ate incredibly carefully.  i had turkey sandwiches after that. i’d have two pieces of turkey, mustard, and pickles. hated it. i ate low calorie frozen dinners, again, those were  disgusting.i started counting carbs and there were very few calories i could eat and even fruit was off limits a lot of the time. fruit! i was really  upset about that. i love fruit so much, but then my endocrinologist said American fruit was much much bigger that fruit from other places so i had to cut all my fruit in half  and only eat one of the halves! outrageous!

this has been a huge struggle for 20 years. it seems i can’t have ANYTHING i like. it was a lot like the Atkins diet and i hate meat and dairy. i’m not left with much. beetroot salad with no dressing, lol. they kept pushing chicken  on me. i can eat it once in awhile, but i don’t really like it. i could have yogurt for snacks. i don’t like yogurt. i could have cheese, i hate cheese with a passion. string cheese they said,  cottage cheese, meat snacks and dairy snacks.that was the worst diet i could eat. i do like eggs, but i don’t like fish.

i was overweight so you know i love my food! so a lot of the time i’ve been tempted into eat all manner of foods  that i’m not supposed to  eat. there have been a lot of times when i didn’t check my sugar or take my insulin and oral medications. it all seemed like too much, eating foods i enjoyed ie didn’t hate, having so many things to do to take care of  myself along with all the other meds and such like that i had to do at particular times. other times i was so obsessed with my  blood sugar that was testing it  8  or 9 times a day. apparently,the better i’m doing the more i i test, because i think it will make me feel good, the opposite for when i’m doing badly. obviously i’m in denial

occasionally  i’ve eaten well for various periods of time, gained and lost a lot of weight. like i said, it was a constant struggle. it continues. and will continue and continue  i don’t know how  to deal with this in a more effective way, but i sabotage myself over and over. i’ve tried to reform myself a ridiculous number of times. i don’t want to end up getting  my legs cut off or have cirrhosis or kidney failure, a stroke, a heart attack, you name it. i   don’t know what to do and it makes me worried sick.

 

 

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