i slept so well on our new bed last night! it’s such a change; a couple of years ago i was manic and sleeping about two hours at night, maybe one or two during the day. day after day after day. i had such cold lonely mornings before the sun came up, know that my husband and dog were soundly asleep. ANYWAY now i rarely wake up earlier than 7 (going to bed at midnight). i’m grateful for it.
my husband told me the truth i didn’t want to hear, i got mad, i panicked, and then i decided to open up my mind a little bit. i’ve had all these aches and pains, bursitis, arthritis blah blah blah. i kept going to the doctor and they didn’t find anything. my husband made me realize that since i sit at my desk all day everyday, hunched over a keyboard or painting 10 hours a day was ruining my body. i kept myself from getting any better by going down the stairs very slowly and carefully. i did everything like i was made of glass because i hurt so much. i rarely left the house. ha! i rarely left the room i make art in.
he said, it’s all on you, you’re the only one that can turn it around. i huddled in bed on monday, crying.
then he suggested a plan of what i could do. stretching. my muscles are tight and gnarled up. so, yesterday i watched a couple yoga videos on youtube and stuff about stretching if you’re sore. it was hard to start at first but when i realized it helped a bit, i started doing stretches frequently. i can tell how short and tight the muscles are, but wow it feels good to be able to move around more! i get up from my desk and walk around the house every 15 minutes or so. it’s like my body is thawing out.
this makes me see that my depression is still going strong. has been all this time. i guess i knew that. maybe this will help. i’ll still suffer chronic pain, but it doesn’t have to be crippling.
i worry that this will only last a couple of days, i hope it’s not mania. all i want to do is relax. i don’t even know what it’s like to relax. people always say they spent the weekend “relaxing at home” or whatever. i don’t relax even after i’ve taken my klonopin, not in my sleep, not after a long session of crying.
i can’t do a yoga class because it’s too hard to leave the house, let alone be around a bunch of people. but i think i can learn a lot at home.
i’m tempted to go the chiropractor because part of the treatment is a sports massage. omg it hurts but that’s definitely the closest i’ve gotten to relaxing!
it’s scary to take responsibility for keeping your body well.