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hiding

when i’m scared, or nervous, feeling guilty, feeling like a weirdo, feeling depressed (or manic), feeling ugly, feeling social anxiety, having a panic attack, blah blah blah, i hide. there are lots of different ways to hide. it’s good for a short term escape, but really shitty for dealing with problems and trying to be a part of society.

when i was in high school it was all about new wave and punk. a favorite hair style was having it shaved on the sides and strip of long hair down the middle, sort of like a flat mohawk, or shaved all around except the long bit on top. i, like many of my friends had hair like that. i had  it, and i expect they did, too, to cover my face. i had long fringe/bangs that hung down over my face. if i didn’t put it up in a ponytail, i could barely see. i remember sitting in a history class and getting yelled at for having my face covered like that, because the teacher thought i was asleep!

high school was a tough time for me, my family life was a disaster, i was an alcoholic and undiagnosed bipolar 1. i had a lot to hide from.

when i was a child i built “pillow forts” to hide in, mostly from my angry mother or simply because i needed a safe place.

my anxiety and paranoia are so bad that i often have to hide like that, too. i’ve been known to hide in the closet, or under my desk. i hide the fact that i’m crying sometimes, or that i’m feeling really crazy and don’t want anyone to know. i tend to blurt out how i feel, so it’s important to hide all that. i can hide so well that i can answer the phone in the middle of a sobbing panic attack, as though there was nothing wrong.

sometimes i hate hiding. i’d like the world to know how hard life is for me. it’s a coping mechanism, of course, and i suppose it’s better than having no way to keep yourself safe.

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7 thoughts on “hiding”

      1. in truth we all hide ruthie yes yours is a.little different then most but we all hide from life in one way or another,I have been where you are I know how isolation feels,but there are a lot of people who don’t like to show how they feel just by the words they say,like I said it’s not the same but to me it’s all the same

        Liked by 2 people

  1. I was diagnosed several things until it was figured out it was just childhood PTSD building up over time. My family was good about lying about dysfunction and the outside looked perfectly normal.
    As said above, we all hide in one way or another. Plus. Everyone is dysfunctional in some way, some are just able to not have it be disruptive.

    Like

  2. I don’t necessarily hide in the way you do but I often hit the floor if I notice someone outside that should not be there. I also close my curtains, will not answer the door ( in fact I have draft blockers on the bottoms of a double door entry to keep anyone from hearing me) I also have great weather stripping on, even the inside door.

    I don’t own a home phone and only have a cell phone by necessity. I turn that off much of the time and use email.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. wow, i totally know what you mean! if the land line rings i don’t answer. i only answer my mobile phone if i know the number that’s calling. i pull the drapes, too. i turn off the lights at night, etc. etc. i’m glad i’m not the only one! email is so nice and safe! thanks for commenting. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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