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blank spaces

when i first started painting i thought everything, absolutely everything, i painted had to cover the entire canvas, i joined deviantArt and saw that a lot of artists whose work i like often left blank spaces in their paintings. i honestly thought it was very daring. i commented on it to someone who had a painting like that and i think he was chuckling at me when he replied, “i’m not the first person to do that, you know.” i felt kind of silly, but decided to try it. i was learning to do things differently, to break barriers that i thought were absolute. the first time i did it, i actually felt daring!

after that i started to do it a lot. i even moved on to painting minimalist works. that actually is kind of daring. this is one of my favorites….

Back Camera

i started thinking about it, and realized that i had a lot of blank spaces in me. there are huge spaces of time in my life that i remember nothing about. there are a lot of things that happened yesterday, or the day before, or last week or a month ago, that i can’t recall. it’s disturbing to think about.

when i was drinking heavily it happened on a regular basis. i’d wake up at home, in bed with my clothes on, not even remembering leaving the house to go out drinking. it was terrifying.

i’m sober, maybe not quite, but i only take the things that are prescribed for me. but there are still these big spaces. some might attribute it to my substance abuse damaging my mind and causing these losses of time. i wouldn’t rule it out, but i think i have a different explanation that feels more like the real culprit.

my mother was abusive. some of the biggest chunks i’ve lost are memories of my life, both as a child and as an adult, that relate to the amount of hell she was putting me through. there are other traumatic things that are hidden from my memory; but sometimes things break free and make me feel even more damaged. not surprisingly, i have PTSD.

i think embracing the idea that i have to step back and see ways to do things that i didn’t realize were possible let me start to let go of the weight of the blank spaces in my memory. i’ve been disassociating for almost my entire life. but now i need to move on, let go, break free from the past.

i think i’ve done enough digging through the past, during the 20 years of therapy, that it’s time to leave the wounds of the past in the past and continue making new memories. 🙂

yay!

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12 thoughts on “blank spaces”

  1. A big cheer and hug to you.
    Do you know what, our mind only containing selected memories, if something is too bad, it simply blocking out, just to protect us from unnecessary disturbance , not paying attention. Thanks to the auto-policing of my body, they covered the messy part of the memory with big sheet of throwing over sheet in very nice color. Let it appears as a very gently blue in the fading background 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. maybe it’s a gift, a gift from one’s mind. keeps you from getting overloaded. sounds like i’m lucky it happens. sad that there is so much of my life that my mind thinks i can’t handle. but maybe, going forward, that will matter less. i still have half of my life left.

      i painted today! i’m going to post it soon. when i chose the colors, i didn’t choose ultramarine blue, the blues definitely look more mellow and relaxed.

      i feel so much better than i did over the past few days!

      how are you?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So glad that we will soon have new treat from you 🙂
        I had a wonderful time at sketch club last night, can not believe I am returning to the same spot after near 20 years, I am so proud of myself 🙂
        Today, a full day study coding at college, life is so good!!

        Liked by 2 people

      2. wonderful! you’ve come full circle! i feel like that in a way. for most of my life writing was my creative outlet, but then it because visual art. this site is great because it lets me show all my talents!

        you should be proud of yourself, how cool that you can go back to what you loved before and realize you still love it just as much!

        what language(s) are you learning to code in?

        you sound happy to be alive! you’re a good influence! 🙂

        Like

      3. I am now focusing in C#, ASP.net, andriod and will learn Object C for iPhone soon.
        I like coding, it’s free of emotion involvement, pure logic, funny that I also like math and respect sicience. That’s why I can relate to da venci mind set 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. so you’re planning to write apps? i am so incredibly bad at logic! math, too. 🙂 it is very neat and tidy and reassuring because there is actually a question that can be answered for sure, though.

        but i believe there aren’t any absolutes in the universe, so maybe that’s why i can’t wrap my mind around it.

        it’s interesting that you can be really creative and yet be into coding.

        Like

      5. Certain things in life can have sure answer, such as turn on or off of light, turn left or right, accelerate or touching the brake when driving. A bit like writing English in correct grammar, mistakes will stand out and be spotting out.
        They can all coexist only taking turn to be dominant.
        Actually I am a bit envious that you have a IT guru at home. I have signed up an online tutorial “Pluralsight”. Iistening to tutorial while painting becoming my ritual :)

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  2. I could do that because I do not think when painting, it’s pure relaxation. My mind is very free for information input. I only have a quarter of life left comparing to you, so I better be efficient of using it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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