i slept really well last night! that’s always an important part of what shapes my moods.
andrew and i always have breakfast together during the week. today it was oatmeal, the old fashioned kind, i cook it in my rice cooker, which has a timer. put it in the cooker the night before have it go off at 8am and is ready when it’s time to eat! i put brown sugar, pecans, walnuts, bananas, and a sprinkling of granola on mine. soooo good!
it never occurred to me that mackie could get on the table, but now i know better! we forgot to tuck in one of the chairs so i guess he climbed up and ate the left over oatmeal in the bowl. i caught him right in the act! it looked so funny to have a short little dog on the top of a big dining room table!
i dread having andrew leaving for work because i have to take mackie out, which is no big deal…except…i know people are watching me from all the windows. i can hear them saying things, but couldn’t make out what it is. i can see the curtains in the front windows, being pulled back with spidery hands with a face pressed to the window. i stare at the ground as much as possible. i pull my hair in front of my face and hunch up my shoulders so i feel, at least a little, like i’m not quite as scared.
i know that stuff is probably not true, but that’s how i feel.
my mood is numbness, if that can be a mood. there was a lyric in a song, a U2 song, i think, saying that it was better to feel pain than to feel nothing. i used to think that was case until enough bad things, bad feelings, enough physical pain, enough daily emotional pain, taught me that was bullshit. when Bono wrote those lyrics, he must not have known what it’s like to live with mental illness.