i got through with only one panic attack.
i spent some time going through old memories that i had. remembering all the times i was trying so hard not to see what was going on.
i spent a long time trying to decide if what he said was making fun of me, or mean, or disrespectful to me. i searched his face to see if he was lying. i constantly misunderstand my dad.
i watched an episode of parks and recreation.
it felt like i was getting weaker by the second. i remember what i used to think about when i saw old people; and being terrified of them because i knew i would be that way.
i’m 44, but i feel like i’m 84. my health is appalling right now.
i don’t like to think about anything upsetting,like realizing that my arthritis would give me chronic pain in my knees. not to mention diabetes. it’s been out of control for a very long time. l’m so depressed and stressed. i’m seeing things out of the corners of my eyes. i can’t seem to imagine looking in the mirror and see anything that would make me feel better.
i heard every bump and thump and engine noise or children laughing in some way that make me want to smash my head on the wall! scary noises and scary silence.
and i still couldn’t cry.