my daily schedule

i got through with only one panic attack.

i spent some time going through old memories that  i had. remembering all the times i was trying so hard not to see what was going on.

i spent a long time trying to decide if what he said was making fun of me, or mean, or disrespectful to me. i searched his face to see if he was lying. i constantly misunderstand my dad.

i watched an episode of parks and recreation.

it felt like i was getting weaker by the second. i remember what i used to think about when i saw old people; and being terrified of them because i knew i would be that way.

i’m 44, but i feel like i’m 84.  my health is appalling right now.

i don’t like to think about anything upsetting,like realizing that my arthritis would give me chronic pain in my knees. not to mention diabetes. it’s been out of control for a very long time. l’m so depressed and stressed. i’m seeing things out of the corners of  my eyes. i can’t seem to imagine looking in the mirror and see anything that would make me feel better.

i heard every bump and thump and engine noise or children laughing in some way that make me want to smash my head on the wall! scary noises and scary silence.

and i still couldn’t cry.


7 thoughts on “my daily schedule”

  1. you have some very wise things to say, and i love the way you put it. 🙂
    what is your first language?

    that reminds me of something i did a couple months ago. i bought big binders and lots of plastic sheet protectors and put all of my work (but i’ve given away so much, i think more than half of
    of what’s in the binders) in there.

    anyway, my work is all protected and organized and put on a shelf in the garage. looking at it can be hard because each one tells me how was feeling when i painted/drew it. a lot of those feelings are things i don’t want to remember, but it’s all there, just in case. it’s exactly what you were saying! put all that past on a shelf and forget about it. 🙂


  2. Yes, file them well just in case we will need for reference, that’s all. So, we can focus of the now which is a new adventure 🙂
    I am an oversea Chinese, so like many of my tpyes, we all naturally manage to bexpress with a few languages, thus, all quite broken eventually 🙂
    My first language is still Chinese in Mandarin, now English has become my dominant one with accent. I also speak Thai with accent 🙂
    Most of the time, I suffered from shyness and only can express through silence, do I ending up sounding too wise ?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. too wise? lol no, i like the things you say . i think you see a lot of what i am trying to say.

    i have social anxiety, so really know what you mean. i went to see my psychiatrist in the morning and couldn’t believe how hard it was to deal with real life humans! my mouth got really dry and i kept forgetting what i was talking about.



    1. When I get panic, I bable and my sentences become very unorderly. like idiot.but with a few good friends that I trust, I could talk nonstop, like one woman show.
      So, not good social manner 🙂
      Writting is much better, have the chance to edit.
      I saw in somewhere that you mentioned your husband is a software enginere, that is what I am trying to do, so i could work from home to avoid face to face. Now I am at the third time doing programming course at adult college, hopefully i could find some work besides setting stall in art market.
      See, live is not easy, but it is OK.


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