meds suck. i’m much better with them, but i wish i could just dump them all down the toilet.
they make me gain weight!! everybody knows that, but it doesn’t make me any less pissed off about it. i don’t even know who i’m pissed off with! my doctor is trying hard to make a cocktail that doesn’t make me feel fat, and even worse, feel stupid.
i know i’m not stupid, but when i started taking a lot of meds (1994) my memory started getting worse. it’s so bad now that i sometimes feel like i’m sinking into dementia. the meds make everything so vague and distant. memories drift away. i listen but i don’t really hear. i always wonder why things happen because i can barely remember my own name. andrew has to tell me things over and over.
i have a lot of trouble putting words together or doing anything thing that requires intense concentration. i talk to myself a lot. andrew says it sounds like i’m mumbling all the time. sometimes i think the meds make me even stranger than i am otherwise.
i feel like some of them are working against one another. i take ritalin and i also take xanax. doesn’t it seem like they’d just fight it out between each other and eventually do nothing? uppers and downers! i have a big drawer full of prescription medicine bottles. it’s so full it barely shuts. for some reason i can’t make myself put them in pill boxes so i have to rummage through all of them every morning and evening. such a dumb way to do it!
i love my xanax, my risperdal is really works to keep the psychosis under control, but it makes me puff up like a balloon. i could go on and on about what meds i take, when i take them what they’re for how they feel what are the side effects of each one. i just end up sounding like the addict i am.
i wonder why they give someone who’s a known addict and has overdosed many times, all this scheduled, heavy duty drugs? they never discuss it. and fuck, i need and want some of the drugs they give me…the ritalin, the xanax, the sleeping pills, so many sleeping pills! muscle relaxants on and on.
i’m obsessed with my meds, the addictive ones and all the others, too. when i start to run out of anything i immediately panic.
but i wonder, who would i be without them? what things could i do that i can’t now? what about being free of the shitty side effects? how quickly would i deteriorate into total insanity without them? would i get psychotic and do awful things? would i kill myself?
i take them when i’m told to in the prescribed dosage. is this the way it’s supposed to be?