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meds

meds suck. i’m much better with them, but i wish i could just dump them all down the toilet.

they make me gain weight!! everybody knows that, but it doesn’t make me any less pissed off about it. i don’t even know who i’m pissed off with! my doctor is trying hard to make a cocktail that doesn’t make me feel fat, and even worse, feel stupid.

i know i’m not stupid, but when i started taking a lot of meds (1994) my memory started getting worse. it’s so bad now that i sometimes feel like i’m sinking into dementia. the meds make everything so vague and distant. memories drift away. i listen but i don’t really hear. i always wonder why things happen because i can barely remember my own name. andrew has to tell me things over and over.

i have a lot of trouble putting words together or doing anything thing that requires intense concentration. i talk to myself a lot. andrew says it sounds like i’m mumbling all the time. sometimes i think the meds make me even stranger than i am otherwise.

i feel like some of them are working against one another. i take ritalin and i also take xanax. doesn’t it seem like they’d just fight it out between each other and eventually do nothing? uppers and downers! i have a big drawer full of prescription medicine bottles. it’s so full it barely shuts. for some reason i can’t make myself put them in pill boxes so i have to rummage through all of them every morning and evening. such a dumb way to do it!

i love my xanax, my risperdal is really works to keep the psychosis under control, but it makes me puff up like a balloon. i could go on and on about what meds i take, when i take them what they’re for how they feel what are the side effects of each one. i just end up sounding like the addict i am.

i wonder why they give someone who’s a known addict and has overdosed many times, all this scheduled, heavy duty drugs? they never discuss it. and fuck, i need and want some of the drugs they give me…the ritalin, the xanax, the sleeping pills, so many sleeping pills! muscle relaxants on and on.

i’m obsessed with my meds, the addictive ones and all the others, too. when i start to run out of anything i immediately panic.

but i wonder, who would i be without them? what things could i do that i can’t now? what about being free of the shitty side effects? how quickly would i deteriorate into total insanity without them? would i get psychotic and do awful things? would i kill myself?

i take them when i’m told to in the prescribed dosage. is this the way it’s supposed to be?

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12 thoughts on “meds”

      1. i use valerian root from my garden at night .I have harvested it and made it into tea.A mug at night and I sleep like a baby.During the day I spend a lot more time doing physical things.I got a rescued husky and he keeps me on my toes.My garden has become my escape when things get really bleak in my head plus I have a private blog where I write and vent. If I can afford it I very occassionaly make pot cookies,very relaxing and deals with my social anxiety.It is an ongoing thing but I rather feel then the numb cold lonely fog antidepressants left me in.If I can help in any way let me know ,am always willling to listen .Good luck.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. i was just thinking about writing a post about my relationship with medical marijuana! edibles are especially good for chilling things out. i smoke when my mood swings down and i feel stuck there. as soon as i’m stoned i swing back up! it helps in so many ways. i think if i had to give up all forms of meds but one, i’d pick pot.

        the anti psychotics are what give me that terrible fog. i don’t think the anti depressants have bad side effects, but who knows, considering how much stuff i’m taking! i take a lot of xanx and i know that makes my metabolism slow down even more and is part of the fog. i have hang overs from sleeping pills, too.

        i tried taking meletonin instead of ambien for awhile. as crazy as it sounds, i felt like it was way stronger than my prescription sleeping pills! too strong.

        i tried using valerian root, i didn’t feel much. my panic problems are so bad i think the xanax is probably the best options. as it is i have several short panic attacks each day and usually one big one. without the xanax i’d probably be in a panic attack most of the time.

        more physical activity would do me some serious good! i know my joints are getting more painful because i sit in one place all day. i have bad arthritis in both knees, so exercising isn’t really possible. i dunno, i feel trapped in a deteriorating body.

        thanks for listening!

        do you mind if i ask what your diagnosis is?

        🙂

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      3. PTSD,clinical depression,social anxiety.But they are just guessing mostly as regards to medication.I wish pot was legalized as it helps far more then medication and I have no bad after-effects.It is really hard sometimes but I have one of my kids still living at home and it helps because I feel useful.Soon he will go to college and I will be alone.I dread it as I know that I won’t make the effort I do now .It is good to see blog posts that tackle the issue as so many people do not understand how very real and debilitating it is.*^*sigh*^* could do with a smoke now 😦 at my age it’s hard to come by .Stupid it being illegal while alcohol is .IDIOTS .Have you got anyone to go walks with you?Small steps….

        Liked by 1 person

      4. we have similar illnesses, i’m bipolar, panic, social anxiety, ocd. ptsd agoraphobia gah! lol
        i live in california so it’s legal here. my psychiatrist signs the letter i need have once a year in order to be a patient. it’s wonderful. it’s just wonderful!

        oops, sounds like i’m rubbing it in! 😀

        where do you live?

        oh that is no fun at all! meh. living alone is scary.

        ikr? alcohol! poison.

        puff puff pass!

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Well I am on couchsurfing and Nomads as a host so any time you fancy you are welcome.I love the beach,the different light and moods it has.Beautiful driftwood and seaglass.I don’t think I would survive in a city.Where do you live?

        Like

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