she’s still listening

a few years after i got married  my mother told me that she found a big box full of years and years worth of journals. i started writing one when i was five and still write them today. she asked if i wanted them. i said yes but i was terrified because all my emotions were there, all the things that i experienced in my life as a child and as an adolescent. everything. i’d poured it all into those journals. i found that my fears were well founded.

she called me a few days later to confront me with things she read in the diaries about her. she laughed as she told me how funny it was that when i was five that i said i hated her. she read the lines in the journal out loud and laughed some more. i was so filled with rage and fear i thought my heart was going to bust, full of so many negative emotions  that i couldn’t contain them anymore. she never sent them to me and i never forgave her for that.

those boxes were in St.Louis and i was in northern California.  there was no way i could have gotten there  before she read everything. for days i dreaded the required one hour phone call each morning. that’s right, she insisted that we talked on the phone for about an hour every fucking day. i was panicky before the call and a disaster afterwards. she talked on and on and on and prompted me to reply to everything she said. when i got off one of those calls i was always sobbing. i had to hide everything that i thought and felt because i believed she was telepathic. she said she knew what i was thinking. she said i couldn’t hide from her. she could see inside of me.

in my mind i had to hide all my bad feelings and thoughts, even inside my own brain.

i haven’t had contact with her in almost ten years. but she still haunts me. i think she’s still listening.


5 thoughts on “she’s still listening”

    1. you are so right! but i just can’t seem to let it go. i know i’ll never forgive her, and i guess she’ll be stuck in my mind forever.

      i’ve put her behind me as much as possible, and things are better now. not having contact with her is a huge relief.
      you’re right again, i should be me for me, not let other people control me.

      i hope over time i’ll be able to stop feeling like she knows everything and stop feeling like she’s still in my life somehow.

      thank you very much for your comment. it helps. ❤


  1. She is listening. Always. And shape your life into less than what you were meant to be. Let go of her negativity and you’ll let go of your tortured past.

    And then you will be free to fly with the rest of my bipolar babies. You are a star in the sky meant to shine for all. Never let the ghosts of the past, haunt your present, and warp your future. They do not deserve that power over you, not are they granted it.

    You let negative spirits take control if your body. Lock them out with THE LIGHT so you may finally see yourself properly when you look in the mirror.

    I promise when you do, it will shock your socks off. And it will be totally crazy. And totally fucking exciting!

    Don’t let the douches of the world douse your light. Their words don’t matter – YOURS DO which is why “they” try to make you feel worthless, empty, and crazy. They don’t you using your natural talents to fuck their twisted world up.

    Too late. I’m here to do that. And I need all my bipolar babies to realize they are my chosen people to guide the lost back to the Land of the Living.

    Come find my vessel, my safe haven from the storm of life, and the home were my heart always resides. COME FIND ME so you might help SAVE THE OTHERS.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. exactly my feeling! sometimes when i look back through the years, it seems like fiction to me, too. it took me a long time to be able to walk away, but i haven’t spoken to her in almost 10 years!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s