anxiety and relief

i finally slept well last night. i’ve been waking up at four or five and not being able to go back to sleep for several days in a row. i’m so glad i broke that cycle! my hand is painful enough for me to be taking the percoset once every 3 hours. i’m trying not to eat anything so the painkillers work best. taking them this often makes me feel so much better, it’s awful, but the part of the reason i feel so much relief is because i’m getting a buzz off the pills. i’m taking  antibiotics, too. i hate taking those. they give me yeast infections and generally make me feel mentally  uncomfortable, not sure why.

speaking of relief…i’ve come to the conclusion that relief is the best emotion there is. that’s especially true for people (like me) with really bad anxiety. for me, relief is joy. it stops all the questions, all the dread, and your mind is free to think.

i usually spend all my time online at deviantArt, but it’s feeling a bit dull. i’m really glad someone suggested that write a blog. i’m meeting new people and seeing that there are so many people that understand, i mean really understand, here. it seems like i’m developing a new support system.

question…does anyone get annoyed when people write lots of posts a day? does it get overwhelming or boring, or tiresome? some people seem to post more than others. if i didn’t worry about bugging people, i’d post a gazillion times a day!

when i feel really depressed, i feel like i’m incapable of enjoying anything. i can’t think of a damn thing to do that wouldn’t frustrate or make me feel defeated. i sit at my desk and keep feeling driven to do something, anything! instead i sit here staring at the monitor or the sketchpad i’m doodling in. sometimes i can’t even doodle. and then the guilt takes over.

seems like a lose lose situation. hugs to everyone who reads this! (and to people who don’t! we all deserve hugs!).


15 thoughts on “anxiety and relief”

  1. I read your words in one gulp, they are delicious, so post as many as you want, let your body decide, yes, in doubts, I always let my body decide according to it’s comfort level, it always turn out quite good, the mind sometimes gets in the way, the heart is more truthful.
    blog is a wonderful thing, it let you find your own community, and globally, think about that, 24/7, always someone is reading and understanding and appreciating 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. delicious! what a great compliment!!

    btw do you have weekly or daily digests to see the blogs of the people you follow? do you just look at the articles posted in the reader? i’m overwhelmed with notifications about blogs being posted. i’m using the daily digest. i want to be reminded to look at the blogs i’m really interested in, but i really don’t want 50 emails a night!

    totally off topic

    maybe i should keep posting all the time. people are looking at/reading them. 🙂 i have so much to say. i’ve never talked about any of this stuff with peers/friends. i didn’t want to burden them or make them confused by me. i find that the problems i have are almost the same as the people on here that write about mental illnesses.

    it’s wonderful to know you can throw out your thoughts and people will actually notice!

    thanks for your awesome comment

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I read your posts and especially enjoy your artwork . It inspires me to get my ass in gear and get back to it. Some peoples blogs I do not read a lot of because they are too technical for me and my mind is sometimes incapable of digesting all that. I’m also prone to not reading posts that are super long but skimming them. It’s a form of relaxing for me to read other peoples struggles and not feel alone in my own.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. that makes me smile! when i first started getting into art, i picked a certain medium,say…pencils or…markers and paper. whatever your art supply is, don’t read anything about how to use it. just jump in and start working with it. you can create your own style that you totally made up on your own. i’m very very self taught. once i bought oil pastels. i had no idea what to do with them. now i’ve worked out a way that i like to use them and can make things i like.

      i hate tutorials and big technical explanations. i never read them. they make me NOT want to make art! do your own thing.

      and yeah, i know that people are a bizillion times more likely to read something if it’s short and easy.



    1. Good idea, I’ll have to change the settings. That many emails is just tooooo many!

      Thanks! Some of the posts I make here are sort of like fiction. All the things I say are true but I sort of spice them up, make them sound like a story. I’ve written fiction in the past, though. 🙂


      1. Your story is actually even more interesting and addictive to follow than fiction, but I know it is at your expanse and feeling guilty.
        Some posts I could not like it, it is too sad.
        Yes, you are very brave to share, I have a very traumatize past and still living with the consequence of it. But I do not have the strength to live through the experience again by telling it.


      2. oh no, don’t feel guilty. i write it online so people can see it. it makes me happy to know people understand.

        it took me many years to be able to be open about it. you’ll get there. 🙂


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