i am sitting at my desk, rocking my chair up and down in time with the music.
i think of the past, maybe 8 years ago? 9?
i was sitting on the floor of the room my husband and i share, half art room, half gaming room, counting pills. when i feel panicky, this is what calms me. i have a very large prescription bottle full up with klonopin. they’re smallish, white, scored, uncoated tablets. i took three 2mg pills a day. but counting them made feel more calm than the drugs themselves.
but maybe that’s not true because i stumbled around the house all day forgetting where i left my water bottle. i had to have cold water at hand all the time. if it took me too long to find it, i headed right back to the fridge to get another.
klonopin was my friend, my nurse, my recreation, my obsession. i had bottles of it tucked into secret spots all over the house, even in my car.
ironically, i’m self medicating with my meds.