midnight mass on christmas eve is always crowded. i bent and kissed the bishop’s ring i saw the way everyone looked at me and realized my behavior was unacceptable, shocking even. sometimes when people get angry they say things are unacceptable. what a futile thing do say. there is no such thing. there is no too much, no too little, no limit. you think no pain will go on until you can’t stand it but you can. you have to stand it until you’re dead.
people don’t understand. they don’t know what it is to need. i just need one more pill and i’ll feel the way i want to. that’s need. mostly need is waiting. need teaches you how to wait, but not wait quietly. waiting strung up tight. i told her she was anal. haha. she sputtered in anger. turned red. i surprised myself by having to try not to smile.
i try not to smile, but if i do i stretch my lips into a half circle, with my lips pressed together, tight. i still have that appalling scar on the tip of my nose. we were at the zoo and the monkeys made me scared. i felt like i was going to faint. i felt that once in gym class. i don’t know if i really did or not. i always wish things were worse.